Friends, Aquaintences Hearts and faces

When I look at the many pictures I have from my time in Utah I sometimes get teary eyed sometimes laugh sometimes get sad but it never fails that I smile
I met some awesome people their and it was a hard experience to get close to people and then all of a sudden be thousands of miles apart with no chance of ever seeing each other. This experience has taught me that in life the people we meet change us. some just slightly but others can change your paradigm on things. The above pictures are just a few who did that they also happen to be people I will never forget no matter how long time passes.

First I'll start with Joel(guy with the hat thats not me) This guy is so funny he had some crazy funny stories and had a i dont give a f*ck persoality and it only made him that much more awesome.. haha.. what I take from him was life is a bi....scratch that.. i mean.. to take the most out of life and have fun and to quote joel f*ck it... haha..

Then theres oksana.. Russian flirty chick nuff said.. hahaha.. just kidding.. she became like a little sister and I learned that girls can be dumb at times and not learn their lessons the first time and usually dont take advice.. haha
And Laura the girl in the bottom right.. She has an awesome personality she helped me learn to reach out and sometimes the best thing we can do is listen she taught me that listening can be better than any advice

Jay(jabez) and trevor.. the inseparables .. when Jay left trevor was lost.. haha.. they were some interesting characters Trevors since of humor and jays string dance.

2 of some crazy awesome girls are Brady and Jessica.. first of all I love both of their faces and I can honestly say that Brady is the coolest most awesome not judging accepting atheist i have ever met and as for jessica.. she was a ball of fun who can come off aggressive and needy but is a good person overall

THen theres Trude(Trudy) Orton (the girl in the red and in the bottom left pic) this girl is pretty awesome herself.. I miss our breakfast time and really liked how she would sit with me when I went to dinner alone I miss her and her free hugs shirt haha..

And last but not least theirs Jessie.(the one in the bottom left, bottom right,top middle, and top left) this guy .. remember how I said that some people have a big impact and can change the way you think... well he was mine.. He got me into running and would push me to push myself and bring the leadership out of me.. this guy has went through alot and he still mangages to come through even stronger .. it seems that my struggles are so minor compared to the stuff he deals with but I beleive that those who go through alot were made stronger by God to handle it .. just as Gold is refined by fire... I really appreciate Jessie because he reached out and befriended me and introduced me to practically all of the other people I can honestly say that I dont think I would have lasted without his friendship. and as you can see we were around each other all the time and his face is a majority of my pictures ..no Homo lol

The reason I wanted to post this is because it helps me remember how much I love each of them and that God makes everyone unique and I was lucky to meet them

there are some people that arent pictured like Rachael this awesome funny chick who would helped me open up and be more comfortable with myself and body .. haha.. I miss her but we are supposed to hang out soon so yea lol there are others too like marlon,jocelyn, nick , dorian, consuelo, cooley,oleg, and so many others but you guys probably forgot about me .. lol

New View

So I haven't written on here in a while and I have been wanting to get some of my thoughts down. I also have a new thought of how I should do this blog. I usually use it for venting and complaining to what ever random soul that happens upon my page but also for myself because I have went back and read and remembered what I was going through and how I overcame or am still enduring. So this is my new start and if you choose to be nosy and look at my previous ones but thats up to you


Who am I

I find it hard to define myself.. maybe from fear of the truth or just really not knowing. Lately I have been remembering some repressed memories of my past. I had a reason to hide all those memories away because I was ashamed but there are constant reminders almost everyday but I just stuff them back in and shake it off and look forward like I have grown accustomed to. I wouldn't say I was smart but that also depends on what you are talking about.. Am I generally smart well I think so but for things that could have been forgotten and things I never learned yeah I can stand back and feel dumb while people ask how I dont know about certain things but obviously if I wanted to learn it I would try.. but there are still those people who are/think that they know a lot and are surprised when someone doesnt know something they do.. anyways.. I also have a sort of ADD .. maybe even ADHD .. its not really that i lose focus its that I am trying to multi task.. for instance at church I have had 2 people talk to me at the same time asking about something and instead of noticing that im already being talked to they keep talking and when it comes time for me to respond im like looking back and forth trying to choose who to reply to without having the other feel like i wasnt listening..but the thing is .. its hard being me.. because for some reason I set out to please people either by putting on a show or feeding their ego.. but i dont know maybe thats just how God made me.. the one people look up to.. how Ironic.. .. so this did become a bit of a rant and had no purpose but I feel a little better and want to write a seperate blog for something i have been thinking about..

Will it Hurt

Lately Ive been thinking about how I want so bad to be on fire for God and spread throughout my church. I say that I want to pick up teaching again and even join the worship team. I think all these things at night before I got to bed and by the morning the thoughts and desire have faded. When I look back I remember a time before I was hurt, before I felt that life was stacked against me. During a Wednesday night youth group we had an activity where we write down what we feel is holding us back from following God to the fullest. Since it was anonymous I wrote honestly.I put "Because I am scared my secrets will be revealed." this was a big deal to me since I always worry what people will think. at that time I was afraid everyone would find out I dropped out of school. and you know what. everyone did find out..and it limited me from being a youth leader. So I was sort of right.. right? well what I "learned" was we all have buttons that the devil can press when we want to follow God. as soon as we get up and get ready to do something the devil will remind us "oh wait look at this" and you are stuck. For me time and time again something has managed to come through that hindered me from following and all this on top of my lack of christian lifestyle. So added together I felt that I was hurt so much that I am just a numb shell of who I was. But I see my silver lining as that I'm vulnerable the church knows practically everything I was going through and some still think that a certain lie to be truth and honestly I still feel ashamed.. there is a certain feeling you get when people can believe something about you and dont even ask for the truth. But anyway. I want to learn not to care about what people think about me. to look up from the crowd staring an judging and look to God. I dont know where to start and this could be another one of my pre sleep thoughts but I know deep inside my fire is dwindling and I want to do something..

Is it Me??

So today was alright I have been super tired in the morning so when my alarm went off i kept hitting snooze.. 5 more minutes.. i guess around the 4th time i didnt hit snooze and just turned it off.. I woke up with a shock of "I have to go!" after getting dressed i realized i wasnt going to make it on time to my 8 oclock swim class.. I usually look forward to it.. its cold at first but then to feel like your gliding through the water is awesome.. but I decided to skip both of the swimming classes.. I got to school around 10.. i am never doing this again.. finding parking was horrid.. anyway my day passed and no complaints.. I decided to get some stuff for my car cause it has been running funny .. then i washed it because it really needed it.. then for some reason my step dad started an argument.. he would have usually been at church at this time but he is doing pre-op for a colonscopy he has tommorow.. gross right.. anyway.. he says "couldnt you have done that earlier(wash my car) .. i thought it was strange so i shot back.. "its to hot"..needless to say I confirmed my thoughts that he hates me and is also a hypocrite.. no surprise there.. but then it got me thinking about stuff and I desperately need to vent my thoughts so here it is..




Is it me? i often ask myself this question... there have been many times that have occured where I was made out to be the bad guy.. for instance the first time I really felt hurts was when I was a student leader in my youth group.. time went by and then I was told that I could be seen as a stumbling block to kids who are in school seeing as how i dropped out.. so i was taken off the team.. this experience cause a lot of pain and i still look back to the chance i had to explain my case.. the youth leader had me stand in front of the youth group while he told them that i didnt graduate and thats why he took me off the team.. I stood there with no words and still remember the looks from everyone in that room.. but i just stood there.. and when given the chance to speak i just replied "well you pretty much said it all"
from then on my relationship with Gilbert the youth leader broke.. supposedly he has nothing against me and supposedly i dont have anything against him but if you see how we ignore each other it would be obvious to anyone..

Oh but i cant stop there I have to somehow get on his wifes nerves.. yes Gilberts wife Julie.. now talk about ignoring someone.. supposedly from what i hear she has vowed not to speak to me because of what happend on a youth camping trip.. what happened was everyone was packing up and I was helping my cousin and her friend Lauren take down the tent.. in the middle i found myself doing all the work so i stopped.. then they started and one of the youths dads condescendingly asked me why i wasnt helping them take it down.. and then Julie followed with yea your a guy you should be helping them... I being upset said well people shouldnt be talking if they dont know the situation so they just need to be quiet.. I could have not said anything but i was mad because my cousin and her friend were not only not helping but they were off flirting .. so that added to some of the malice that came in my words which julie apparently took to heart and still is holding her vow today..

then theres the 2 faced step dad i have the displeasure of living with.. not by choice but because i screwed up and am still living at home with no job and barely starting school.. we have butted heads so many times .. we go to church and he is one way with everyone but then not even 10 minutes out of church he is complaining about me not doing something.. or catching me doing something insignificant that he can mention.. like leaving the shower curtain open.. having my light on.. not putting the hose back.. washing my car at night.. he can blow all these things up to where it would be the same as smoking weed in the house or something.. he liteally watches me just to wait for me to mess up so he can start on one of his rampages..

Ok so here the catch.. these people are all leaders and well respected at church so you'd think they'd be a good example... so i wonder is it me thats wrong in all these or is it them.. ones a youth leader with the pastor behind whatever choice he makes ..one is a worship leader who every sunday sings praises to God.. and ones a devoted handy man who is up to volunteer for whatever pastor throws at him like teaching.. so can you see my point.. Is It Me??

Stop

Whoa ok sorry about the last blog.. super personal and yet oddly not all true.. this always happens... it gets late and I start saying things I shouldnt say.. but anyways let me clarify..I did Love Julia.. but now its more like.. Im happy for her and I keep saying things im not supposed to.. there are some things you cant say so im sorry about that..

Ok so aside from that.. Today I started my first day at city college.. .. its been a while since ive been in school .. i mean job corp was kinda like school but it was more of self learning.. The day started off way good.. I got up 5 minutes before my alarm and got ready and left a little earlier then i was.. thinking I would beat the rush.. Oh how I was wrong.. i spent 25 minutes looking for parking until i finally resorted to a parking by the Radcliffe stadium.. needless to say I didnt mind the walk but my backpack was packed with every book I had and my laptop.. I get actually on campus and head for my first class which is Swimming.. there were a couple of guys in the locker room waiting for the instructor so I joined them in their waiting.. we struck up conversation and then the instructor showed up.. he opened the gate to the pool and we sat on the bleachers..where he then proceeded to tell us that this class was a swimming Aerobics class.. at first I felt embarrassed but then he asked who actually knew that it was an aquatic aerobics class and only 2 people raised their hands.. so I felt much better.. haha.. he then told us that if we were interested in the actual swimming class to come at 8 because there is still room..so I will be definatly going to that which means I have to wake up earlier but its ok... second class was reading.. I like this class .. I sit behind a guy who looks like superman.. or well his alter ego.. Clark Kent.. from his glasses to his hair.. haha I found it humorous and cool that he had the iphone4.. superman would.. lol.. the 2 girls to my right were talkative but it was funny talking to them soon the class was over and I felt I had time to kill so I walked back to my car.. found a semi closer parking space and unloaded all the unneeded books and my laptop.. im pretty sure my back verbally thanked me... lol.. I headed back and decided to go to the bookstore to get some more needed things but there was a line and it took all my time so i had to go to my next class.. it wasnt until I found a seat when my stomach started rumbling... I knew I couldnt eat anytime soon because I had 2 classes with no time gap so I went through it.. ..My first day was over and as I was walking back to my car I was considering all my options of a meal.. fast food.. .. hot pocket.. Subway!!.. then I was off. then I got a call from my niece saying that my nephew wasnt at the house yet and its been an hour since he got out.. I said i would stop by the school and see if he was there.. then she said that she was hungry so I eneded up opting for pizza.. I got to my house picked her up and found out my nephew was with my mom so that case was solves.. I went for the pizza and came home and ate.. overate actually to the point of gagging.. it wasnt fun.. time went by and I organized my backpack getting ready for tommorow.. .. Hope its a good one ^__^

My Immortal

I was texting my Ex and she said that a song came on and it reminded her of me.. this isnt uncommon because the same thing happens to me ..

On January 30 2007 I got into a relationship with Julia Jones.. We first met at church I was shy and she was crushing on me.. I wasnt really looking for a relationship at the time but her brother mentioned that me and her should get together because she really really liked me ..we had just came back from a youth trip and I thought she was a cool girl.. so while Julia were talking on the phone I finally asked her out.. it was a funny experience.. seeing as it had been a while since I had done any dating.. So needless to say we made shockwaves throught the church as news hit we were a couple.. me and her just laughed about it.. as time went on we began to hit the milestones.. first date, first kiss, first argument, ... See when i looked at Julia I seen a beautiful Girl who had a special voice and laugh and who loved to sing..aggressive personality.... but other people had their opinions of her..I began to feel ashamed to be with her.. the peoples talking became overwhelming and I broke... broke up with her actually .. I gave her the escuse that I wanted to get closer to God.. but in reality I let my ego and what people thought get the best of me. I didnt want to admit that I cared for her.. .. after we broke up things went south for her.. deaths..homelessness... other horrible things.. and I had the feeling but just kept being stubborn.. then the inevitable happened.. she found someone else.. and at first I was happy until I met him.. he was a alright guy but he dragged her into things i didnt like.. she became a different person.. we still kept contact and the feeling were there for both of us but she was moving on.. fastforward and Shes Happily married with a adorable baby boy.. and im still single lol..

So where im going with this is.. I honestly believe that we were meant to be together I always deny it but when people ask if I even loved Julia I lie and say no but then it sends me through a thought frenzy of how untrue it is.. I think what happened was I broke up a relationship God had put together because she loved me with everything she had but I didnt know what that was at the time.. so God took her broken heart and mended it with her family.. but you cant really get rid of True loves feelings.. Oh the thoughts of the ones that read this.. especially if it is the ones i vehemently denied my feelings to....

So to wrap this vent fest up I Do love Julia and I love that she got her life together She has a beautiful family and when I get mad or annoyed of how her husband treats her he was the one to pick her up.. So I have to stand back and let what could have been go .. I question if we can still be friends because the conversation inevitably turns into how we miss each other and memories of what was come up and stir up those emotions ,...

but I know she made the right decision and I wish the best for her

Heroic Dose of medicine...

as I sit here and cough while hoping the overdose of cough syrup kicks in soon I want to blog.. As of now my Life is changing .. for the better or worse who knows... ive been down this road before.. pill that might make things better..weekly visits to a person to vent to.. the same old story.. although this time the characters have changed and the consequences are dire.. dramatic much.. well it seems that I am in fact "in over my head" the circumstances I find myself in cant really be repaired.. its as if trying to fix a mirror I can do what I can to repair it but you will still see the cracks.. all I can think of is that No sin goes unpunished.. I could go as far to say this punishment takes the cake . if I come away from this unwavered would be amazing to say the least.. wait unwavered.. in what .. my faith.. I cant define that right now.. promises promises promises.. I go to church and long for that feeling i once got but I leave with the same coldness I walked in with.. sure I can hide it and smile till my cheeks hurt .. im good at that... i actually need to stop .. my laugh lines are becoming permanent.. anyways .. So im on this road and I call up to God but I find its coming from my lips and not from my heart.. strange.. I know how this is supposed to work.. ive seen it done time and time again.. ive heard stories and yet I stand here lost.. how to get back.. it doesnt help that everywhere I look I see destruction.. Liars and hypocrites.. I walk through my church and its like a masquerade ball.. who am I to judge dancing among them.. thats my problem though.. picking out the splinters when there is a plank in my own life.. somethings gotta give and im scared cause its gonna hurt.. God Help me..

Hero

A hero (hera or heroine in female) (Ancient Greek: ἥρως, hḗrōs), in Greek mythology and folklore, was originally a demigod, their cult being one of the most distinctive features of ancient Greek religion.[1] Later, hero (male) and heroine (female) came to refer to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self sacrifice – that is, heroism – for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence


"and the will for self sacrifice"

I do that alot.. and it doesnt bother me.. I feel its a need of mine.. sometimes I let it affect my life but other times I want the best for people in my life..

I have no idea where im going with this my thoughts are a jumbled mess ..
*breaths*

Trials.. adversity.. troubles.. we are told that God puts Trials in our lives to strengthen us in areas of our lives that could easily be overcome by "the devil"
I feel that I am prone to these trials.. I wont even dare to compare myself to Job... I have blamed God.. maybe not directly but I often ask why this is happening.. but it seems like just when I get life figured out I get knocked down.. I barely dusted the dirt off myself from my last trial and struggled to get up from the last one and now I am headed into another storm ..I feel there is something that I have yet to learn from all my trials.. I know for a fact I let Jesus "take the wheel" but as soon as its over I say "ok Jesus thanks but i gotta go" .... lol.. I have no idea what God has in store for me but I am faithful that all these rough times will prepare me for anything.. I cant be crumbling about little things cause what happens when I get to the big stuff..

oh and yea there was a point to the hero definition up there.. I toyed with the thought of what makes a hero.. .. I feel like I try to be the hero alot.. people know they can always come to me and I will listen.. give advice and if I can.. be there for them.. but who is there for the heroes.. I think I have said that I feel like I have no one to go to when I have troubles.. i mean i know there is God.. but sometimes there needs to be immediate answers .. maybe its just me .. my relationship with God isnt where I can sit by myself and pray and talk to God without feeling like im talking to the air..

ugh still jumbled and venting.. cant even finish this thought without ten others trying to break through.. *sigh*...

Crashing Down

It never fails.. it seems just as I start to have a turn around and things are going good and I actually want to make a change I get knocked down by something.. for instance.. when I was a youth helper I wasnt helping .. i was more of a student then a teacher.. so I decided .. ok im going to be more mature.. next day I get kicked off the leadership team .. Now.. I was un Utah to get a change going in my life.. everything was awesome.. my christian life was good.. i had friend my age.. I was going to come back and revive my church.. then I get the news im being accused of something by one of my closest cousins.. and not only that.. a majority of my family believes him without even hearing my side of the story.. needless to say this has cause a major rip in our family and i havent even the slightest idea where to start to clean up this mess.. something that gets to me is that some church people know about the accusations and they arent coming to me and seeing if i need advie.. and these are some "leaders" .. but no surprise there.. i church will crumble around their ears and still not admit there shortcomings.. ugh...

Jumped the Gun

Ok so obviously Im home.. good thing right?.. I thought it was what i wanted.. this blog is going to dig deep and be me venting..

Ok so I get home and nothing has changed I sit in my room and wonder why I decided to school here.. I then remember all the people that "missed me" and me being and attention hog ..feeling great that people were actually missing me.. my vanity took over and wanted to come back to all the people.. borderline narcissism right.. bleh.. so anyways I am adjusting to life gradually but my battle with the separation from friends who I consider best friends ... I mean I know we couldn't be together forever but I connected with them so well ..I pray that our paths meet again.. I dont know what a certain one did but I am practically hooked and made so many considerations just to see this person.. its crazy.. another thing that hasnt changed is family life.. I gave him(my step-dad) space and I come back to the same bossy control freak person.. who actually told me that the electric bill was lower when I was gone so for me to try and conserve.. to me it was like whatever .. but I am not going to stand for his demeaning and if I dont like something he says he will get it because he may be the same but I am not... anyways.. another reason I thought would be a good reason was this family drama that has been going on that could involve me and the authorities.. it is a great big mess and I wonder how a family recovers from such allegations... but I am going to face it head on.... again I find myself with a plate full of problems.. and no one to turn to.. well thats just how I feel.. there are people to turn to but none that I feel comfortable enough that would give me advice other then "God has a plan for you" no crap sherlock.. I know that but trying to get on the path or even find it for that matter is hard.. .. someone once told me that I have a special personality and that anything I do I will be good at.. I find that to be crap because I honestly dont know what I want to do.. and how scary is that.. Im a 21 year old who is confused as to what he wants to be when he grows up.. oh but wait a sec... i am grown up.. so that sucks more... the future is chewing me up and time is passing me by.. and all I can do is contemplate on what career path I want to go down.. needless to say I am keeping depression at bay but I feel like im at the end of my rope.. and also at the end of my venting session... in the end I have to make decisions and they wont be made for me like im used to.. time to step onto the escalator to the future and not just watch from the sidelines..

At the airport

Ok so it's my day to come back home from about 4 months of school in Utah .. It's and i actually feel sad .. I made some really great friends who I will most likely never see again.. That's life though isn't it.. Nooope! I definatly want to keep in touch with alot of the people here .. They have all made an impact in my life and I hope i helped that in someway no matter how small throught it all there were to that no matter what I wanted to see the best for them .. Jesse and Brady .. I consider them best friends Brady like a sister . She's the coolset person on the planet and I dare you to prove me wrong.. She is the most no judgmental .. Loving person.. And it was a blessing o meet her.. As for Jesse.. Wow where to start.. We were roomates for a majority of my time in job Corp but I consider him like a brother he has this personality that when he says he wants to do something you believe he can.. I seen him as a big brother because he seemed to be sure about everything..he was my church buddy ..I was glad when he wanted to come with me to find new churches .. And even agreed to leave a church he liked because I really wanted to try out another one .. He really helped me push through my time here I'm glad I met him to.. Well I just needed to vent those feelings haha can't wait to update this more often ^__^

A week from now...

I will be back home!!!! ... I wish I had that much enthusiasm but oddly I am apathetic for more then 1 reason.. I mean I will be happy to see everyone and I want to start being a better person then I was but I liked my independence although there are many rules here I found myself at home.. But something that never ceases to amaze me is how attached I get .. I meet people and feel as if I have to protect them .. To elaborate I often find myself going an extra mile for them and can't stay mad at them for anything .. Although I can hardly stay mad in any situation.. I made some great friends here and I will miss them and try to forget the chance I will never see them again .. That's how life is I guess.. But I'm keeping a good mood this weekend will be fun .. My last weekend here and the weather has been awesome the last few days.. I had my fun here and now it's time to go back and do the things I told myself I would..

Bleh..

Well I felt like I should blog to update all the 0 people that read my blog .. Lol.. At this moment I am sitting in the pool room ready to pass out.. I am in the part of school where they send you to work at a assisted living center.. The thing is I have to be up at 4:10 get ready by 4:50 and get on the bus at 5 get there at 5:30 and "sleep" till 6:30 the. Our day starts.. Getting people up, changing them, feeding them, and over again ... It's my second day sorta my first since I started on a Friday and went back today(monday) I have until Thursday then it's back to campus classes and more tests.. Anyways that all my school stuff as for my social life.. Well it ok I adjusted to my new roomates and my favorite roomate living in a new dorm .. Haha but yea there was an empty bed in his new dorm but I didn't know the Chances that I would get the one in his room.. As for relationships.. None so far which is good but I do find myself flirting .. There is this one girl but I can't really see anything happening with us but she is really pretty so it's fun haha..hmm church life.. It's good I still want to visit this other one just to see how it is but something always comes up so I want to say this sunday for sure but idk..oh and something new came up.. I am actually starting to realize that there are a few people that when I leave here I would never see them again.. I consider them close friends and always want the best for them but man.. It's crazy and I am the closest to leaving .. I am actually considering staying the longest I can just to be with them until they are closer to leaving but it's inevitable.. Well that's all the updates I can think of.. Until next time

Bleh..

Well I felt like I should blog to update all the 0 people that read my blog .. Lol.. At this moment I am sitting in the pool room ready to pass out.. I am in the part of school where they send you to work at a assisted living center.. The thing is I have to be up at 4:10 get ready by 4:50 and get on the bus at 5 get there at 5:30 and "sleep" till 6:30 the. Our day starts.. Getting people up, changing them, feeding them, and over again ... It's my second day sorta my first since I started on a Friday and went back today(monday) I have until Thursday then it's back to campus classes and more tests.. Anyways that all my school stuff as for my social life.. Well it ok I adjusted to my new roomates and my favorite roomate living in a new dorm .. Haha but yea there was an empty bed in his new dorm but I didn't know the Chances that I would get the one in his room.. As for relationships.. None so far which is good but I do find myself flirting .. There is this one girl but I can't really see anything happening with us but she is really pretty so it's fun haha..hmm church life.. It's good I still want to visit this other one just to see how it is but something always comes up so I want to say this sunday for sure but idk..oh and something new came up.. I am actually starting to realize that there are a few people that when I leave here I would never see them again.. I consider them close friends and always want the best for them but man.. It's crazy and I am the closest to leaving .. I am actually considering staying the longest I can just to be with them until they are closer to leaving but it's inevitable.. Well that's all the updates I can think of.. Until next time

What day is it?

Wow it's been a while I almost forgot how to do this.. Well lately I have been doing my own thing I have adjusted to my schedule it's getting repetative but I guess it's ok it's already going to be march as of tommorow ..and although I would like to be home I feel good here ..stable.. As for school I got a good pace going so I am actually catching up to people who have been in the class for 3 weeks longer which is encouraging to me because I was doubting that I could even do it.. I prayed and left it all to God I viewed it as my leap of faith ..and along the way I found that I have major self doubt .. I always need comfirmation from others that I can do it.. I'm trying to work on it but I don't know how it's going to far.. Well that's all for now I will try to get this posted .. Does anyone read this? :D

This is war

Ok wow these last few days have been draining to say the least ..in my last post I stated that I was comfortable and settled in.. Well needless to say I spoke to soon .. Sunday started off as a alright day went to church came back and 2 of my roomates descided to walk to get some pizza.. We ended up with mc donalds but it was cool.. Then we got back and everything was good until the residential advisor(lady that runs the place) came in and told my 2 roomates to pack their stuff they were moving to another room .. At first it was a shock but then we went to find out why.. Her reasoning was for diversity but we know her and from previous times she was just being evil.. The rest of the day was depressing to say the least .. They moved rooms and we got 1 new roomate .. He was African American like she said so we figured the other one would be to.. During all this something awoke in me and I descided i wasn't going to sit by and let it happen.. I wasn't going down without a fight ... So Monday comes I got to my counseler and let her know what's happened .. She recommends me to someone whose position is above the residential advisors postion.. So I get a hold of him and let him know what's happening.. .. Yea I could feel the situation escalating.. Today comes and I got more problems .. So me and 2 of my roomates go to the 2 main people again because we are all tired of the residential advisor(ra) they call a meeting and the stuff hits the fan.. She was lying and I called her on each one of them .. My former roomate Is a bit of a hot head so he went off and side note our (ra's) a yeller but so is he so it for loud for a minute .. Things were said and before I knew it .. It was over.. I have yet to find out what resolution they have come to but I'm sure us and the ra are on bad terms.. I am so drained from these last few days .. I hope it gets better.....

At home

I haven't counted the days for a while I know it will be a full month since Ive Been here on feb. 3 .. It doesn't feel like it though I really think these next few months should fly by .. I have been doing bookwork for the last 2 weeks ..it has been alright but learning the terms is going to be kinda challenging but I am pretty sure this is what I want to do .. Something I am happy about is that waking up at 5:30 is getting easier I have a schedule that works out pretty well but I still feel tired throughout the day.. This upcoming week should be interesting because I will be starting hands on training I'm semi looking forward to that..I don't get homesick at all anymore but it's hard to know I'm missing birthdays especially my nephews and moms and friends.. Oh something I am not to happy about here is washing.. It's usually smart to wake up at 5:30 and wash but sometimes there are early birds and no washers and the dryers suck so it takes about and hour and 15 minutes ... Not to fun.. I'm so glad it's the weekend.. :D

Another monday another week

Well one thing I noticed is that I stopped counting the days, weeks, and hours until the next break haha.. I found some really cool friends I could be myself around but with one of them I find myself saying things I wouldn't normally and I don't realize until after I said it..

Life here has been getting better I had a good weekend but on saturday felt like I had the most horrible day.. At first it was good but then i had consecutive what I felt were bad events first I called home and was told to call back at 5 because then i could catch my nephew seeing as how it was his birthday party and I wanted to call him but around 4 my phone started acting weird and I could not call so I descided to walk to the store and use a payphone .. On my way out I was stopped by the dorm manager and she said I still had to do my "positives" which are volunteered chores..and I needed 5 she said go and come back to see what I needed to do so I hurried to the store.. It costed a dollar to use and I got choked up trying to talk to my nephew it struck me that since he is so young that he might forget who I am .. I finished the call and went back .. Ended up having to sweep a bathroom .. When I look back at all these events they don't even seem bad because for one my phone is now working perfectly, I only had to do 1 chore instead of all 5. And i had re exact change to make the call and I got to talk to my nephew and my sister.. Sometimes in the midst of a storm it takes until you are finally out if it to realize things aren't as bad as they seem .. My day is starting maybe I will post this later hope everyones day is a good one .. : D

Gods promises

Ok so latetly I have been trying to build my relationship with God to a higher level.. Before I was just stagnent aka a "Sunday Christian" but here I made it a priority to pray, read my bible, and do a study but I always forget to pray before I eat .. Sometimes I catch myself but most times I forget so sorry.. But I'm trying .. My point of this is lately I have been getting my prayers answered and God is being brought up in conversations I am around .although sometimes I don't contribute because I don't what to say .. But it's amazing.. My roomate even suggested that we got to church this sunday and was upset that I had went to church last Sunday and didn't tell him cause he would have went.. I think it's a good oppurtunity for God to work through me.. Also my week has been super hectic .. I am in this week which they call "KP" where we work in the cafeteria doing jobs like cleaning, mopping, sorting dishes , loading them into the washer and. Unloading them .. We work 8 hour days and start at 6 needless to say it has been hard but with prayer I have been able to get up every morning .. Something that stinks is that I got a runny nose and right now my nose is so raw from the blowing it hurts .. I hope I am better by the weekend.. An next week we actually start The career training.. So I am looking forward to that :D

Bad influences

"Do not be mislead, bad company corrupts good character" 1 Corinthians 15:33 that verse has been on my mind alot lately I mean the meaning of the verse is plain and true and I have been hanging around people that aren't ..well they aren't bad but the stuff they talk about is.. For instance while I was working the dish line I was standing ext To my friend Rachel and the whole time we were laughing and making jokes but the stuff we were talking about wasn't good and I found myself thinking about it.. Like what to make into a joke.. And with the cursing that is all around I find myself cursing in my head I mean it's happened before but now it's like I have no emotion toward it .. A few days ago I was in a rush because the work experiance starts at 6 but I also promised myself I would read my bible before usually 5 psalms in the morning but today I said ok just one and go back to my regular schedule after this week.. Well I read it but I didn't take in what it was saying so I went through the day and after the bad talking I remembered the verse I had read in the morning and
it struck me that I wasn't being a good example I was being influenced needless to say I didn't stop because it became like habit .. All this rambling but my point is ..I realized that the devil will do anything to sever your relationship with God, and sometimes you think that some things you do aren't a big deal it will eventually become part of your character ..

Another Sunday

This weekend has been pretty good .. I got my sleep, got my clothes washed and now I am up and ready to try out another church.. I Got up today not tired as usual so I'm happy about that this next week is my final week until I actually get into my trade(just a way of saying what we came here to study) but first we have to go through a thing called "KP" where we are assigned to help in various places .. I got placed in the cafeteria which means I could either be washing dishes, cleaning tables, or serving food... I think any I get placed with I will ok with but the thing I am not looking forward to is having to be there by 6 so I would have to be up around 20- 30 minutes earlier .. I guess it's not that bad.. I hope the week goes by fast that would be nice.. :D

Waves are crashing down

Well this week has been.. Hard.. It's sorta like a emotional rollarcoaster .. I mean during the day I'm good and get through class and but after I start feeling homesick but just a small bit..I thought it would be a good idea to "swim it off" because it's good excercise and I love to swim.. Well the swimming helped until it was over .. When I get back to my room I feel a tightening in my chest and can hardly control my emotions ..I get seriously homeSICK.. Emphasis on the sick because I feel nauseous ..and I start practically hyperventalating .. I pray and after a while it goes away.. But for some reasons some songs set me off again.. I think it's wierd because when I was here previously It had never got this bad..I feel dumb because a guy my age should be out of the house and working to succeed later in life..I mean I already got a late start so I remind myself that this is to better myself and if I work hard I could be out of here before break.. ..I am so looking forward to break..but I will have missed so much.. Birthdays.. Well yea I want to get everyones birthday to atleast send a card ..I haven't blogged in a couple days for a couple differant reasons.. For one I have grown way to accustomed to the ease of access to myspace on my phone.. And 2 it wouldn't matter unless I stopped by my wireless access point and I haven't been there since Tuesday haha.. Well my first week back and my forth week in total.. I have to keep busy.. :D

Returned

Ohgosh I am soo tired .. Yesterday was my flight to Utah and everything went fine .. I was actually looking forward to being back my flight, although boring went smooth and I arrived here around 3 but here it's an hour ahead so around 4 I spent the rest of my time unpacking and starving seeing as I hadn't eaten the whole day ..I had missed dinner and everything was off limits so I ended up with a bag of lays chips..it satisfied the headache and my stomach ..but just as I thought ..the morning is horrible .. Waking up at 5:30 was not fun especially since I woke up twice and I got a rush of home sickness I am still not used to the leaving I take it as nothing and as if I would see everyone like the next day so I don't take the good-byes that serious but then I get here an feel as if I dont have closure ..well my day has started and I feel like crap I want to sleep! Lol .. Well as I heard about 15 times yesterday "welcome back to hell" :D

Unbreakable

Well my home sickness is gone it's funny because it's triggered by certain songs or when I get a message on myspace from my sister I feel good being here .. I have already made my schedule for what things I will do to keep myself busy .. Oh and I have made a commitment to God and myself to read the bible every morning and night .. And since I started I have felt more comforted also I have been praying so I'm sure that has something to do with it .. Today I got up feeling great thank you God .. But as before I am dehydrated and always thirsty so I am actually sitting in the cafeteria blogging while drinking water, orange juice , and a milk but I don't think I will finish the milk..