Will it Hurt

Lately Ive been thinking about how I want so bad to be on fire for God and spread throughout my church. I say that I want to pick up teaching again and even join the worship team. I think all these things at night before I got to bed and by the morning the thoughts and desire have faded. When I look back I remember a time before I was hurt, before I felt that life was stacked against me. During a Wednesday night youth group we had an activity where we write down what we feel is holding us back from following God to the fullest. Since it was anonymous I wrote honestly.I put "Because I am scared my secrets will be revealed." this was a big deal to me since I always worry what people will think. at that time I was afraid everyone would find out I dropped out of school. and you know what. everyone did find out..and it limited me from being a youth leader. So I was sort of right.. right? well what I "learned" was we all have buttons that the devil can press when we want to follow God. as soon as we get up and get ready to do something the devil will remind us "oh wait look at this" and you are stuck. For me time and time again something has managed to come through that hindered me from following and all this on top of my lack of christian lifestyle. So added together I felt that I was hurt so much that I am just a numb shell of who I was. But I see my silver lining as that I'm vulnerable the church knows practically everything I was going through and some still think that a certain lie to be truth and honestly I still feel ashamed.. there is a certain feeling you get when people can believe something about you and dont even ask for the truth. But anyway. I want to learn not to care about what people think about me. to look up from the crowd staring an judging and look to God. I dont know where to start and this could be another one of my pre sleep thoughts but I know deep inside my fire is dwindling and I want to do something..