Father's Day

Well Today was Father's day the day we are supposed to show the man in our lives who raised us and taught us what a man was and be a role-model. unfortunately I grew up without my dad so my mom just got two days out of the year other than her birthday to be cherished and celebrated. My mom remarried a few years ago to a guy who I don't really get along with .. he supports me financially only by letting me stay in his home and had food and comfort that goes along with that.. so I appreciate that but I do not look up to this man... just saying.. When I pray I almost always call God "Father" because that is what he is.. a Father of all the earth. I think that God allows us to call him that because we can't fathom some being somewhere with no shape loving and forgiving us.. because when you put the label father or king you automatically think of what you know about these titles. Authority, Power, and never ending love. God has been my father and role-model for a long time now.. He has been watching over me since I was born and I can see many instances that I know he has been there.. Sometimes its tough because there isn't a physical being to be afraid of but the thought of being punished brings a sort of terror and horrible thoughts to my head.. Like if I continue to sin God will take my mother to teach me a lesson. And I know God isn't like that but there are stories about people who strayed and were brought back by an life changing incident.. In the end I Thank God for all he has provided and being so patient with me and continuing to love me despite me...

so that was my rant about my feelings.. Today was a great day at church The band led worship again and I wasnt shaking uncontrollably..I wish we could have warmed up but This one felt like the best performance we have done..

I'm back

So I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I have let my life be messed up with lies and deceit from myself and of course the devil. Its funny to think that a malevolent being that is often portrayed as a huge red beast wasting his time making my life miserable but that's just it he wants to keep me under his foot and if I even think about moving he uses the storehouse of things against me to knock me right back down. Sometimes harder then the time before. I am still reeling from the latest shock wave that has struck me and my family but I mean how do you top a close family member accusing me of molestation. I'm sort of afraid to ask. Regardless I am starting to see something that I have been overlooking for many years now. It's that I may have not fully given my life to Christ. I mean the experience I had was unexplainable and I was filled with a joy but then I feel like I got lost in the image and the reputation I had to uphold. There is a verse in the bible that says "am I now trying to please God or man" when I look back I was all about looking the part and now that the tests are coming I have been shaken to my core and there is no more castle that was built in sand. (wow that was 2 bible references already). Anyway so I have started to sing in a "youth band" I despise that name for the obvious reason.. there 5 youth and 4 young adults and me being the oldest constantly hearing "youth band" is almost enough to make me drop in itself. We have had a couple church performances and when I listen to the track I am cringing that I am heard a majority of the time. I have always loved to sing but now with the possibility that people will criticize me about it makes it harder. And something I need to get over is stage fright.. I mean really! I am so taken back with how shaky I get from all the nerves and adrenaline that when I leave the stage I get cramps. not a great experience. The point of this post is to help me get down my feelings at this moment so I can wake up tomorrow and remember the promises I made and changes I wish to see. so until next post.

You Aren't Me

I write this as mainly a venting session, Maybe a no Holds bar on how I am thinking and feeling. this is my whole purpose for this blog anyway not for anyone that comes across it or ones that just come to criticize how bad my grammar is or how cliche or dumb my words may sounds.. Its for me


Ok, So I have been noticing that there is thing thing that a lot of people do which is compare themselves to others. they may say small things like "well at least im not as fat or as pretty or dont have as many pimples or as ugly or as dumb as another person" and then theirs the life comparisons "well at least im not like this person" or "I sin but not its not as bad as so and so" or "I didnt get into college this year but at least im not like Anthony" why is this? that last one I recently heard .. I dont know what to day about it.. because of course I am not the best role model for my path of education. but I see it as why compare yourself to me. and then I got it.. OBVIOUSLY ITS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT HOW YOU FAILED ..you cant handle that you screwed up so you shift the weight and your thoughts to another person who you make yourself feel is worse then you. I have to admit I am guilty of this but I see it as wrong. I am not as "blunt" as some to say it but my mind does go there. We as a people are always trying to make ourselves feel good.. we eat to make stomachs content we post things on our social networking sites so people can see how good our lives our and hope that people might comment or like our statuses or talk about our pictures in a good manner so its pretty much instinct to make our lives out to be better then someone else.

I still am irked about how much people compare their lives to my own but you know what once again... you aren't me ...your experience will never be like mine so take your failure and learn from it

my closing thoughts: will people read this... who cares... will people change.. doubtful... will i shoot back with a retort when you treat me like crap.. your damn sure I will.

because if you want to feel better at the cost of someone elses' hurt than you deserve it

Friends, Aquaintences Hearts and faces

When I look at the many pictures I have from my time in Utah I sometimes get teary eyed sometimes laugh sometimes get sad but it never fails that I smile
I met some awesome people their and it was a hard experience to get close to people and then all of a sudden be thousands of miles apart with no chance of ever seeing each other. This experience has taught me that in life the people we meet change us. some just slightly but others can change your paradigm on things. The above pictures are just a few who did that they also happen to be people I will never forget no matter how long time passes.

First I'll start with Joel(guy with the hat thats not me) This guy is so funny he had some crazy funny stories and had a i dont give a f*ck persoality and it only made him that much more awesome.. haha.. what I take from him was life is a bi....scratch that.. i mean.. to take the most out of life and have fun and to quote joel f*ck it... haha..

Then theres oksana.. Russian flirty chick nuff said.. hahaha.. just kidding.. she became like a little sister and I learned that girls can be dumb at times and not learn their lessons the first time and usually dont take advice.. haha
And Laura the girl in the bottom right.. She has an awesome personality she helped me learn to reach out and sometimes the best thing we can do is listen she taught me that listening can be better than any advice

Jay(jabez) and trevor.. the inseparables .. when Jay left trevor was lost.. haha.. they were some interesting characters Trevors since of humor and jays string dance.

2 of some crazy awesome girls are Brady and Jessica.. first of all I love both of their faces and I can honestly say that Brady is the coolest most awesome not judging accepting atheist i have ever met and as for jessica.. she was a ball of fun who can come off aggressive and needy but is a good person overall

THen theres Trude(Trudy) Orton (the girl in the red and in the bottom left pic) this girl is pretty awesome herself.. I miss our breakfast time and really liked how she would sit with me when I went to dinner alone I miss her and her free hugs shirt haha..

And last but not least theirs Jessie.(the one in the bottom left, bottom right,top middle, and top left) this guy .. remember how I said that some people have a big impact and can change the way you think... well he was mine.. He got me into running and would push me to push myself and bring the leadership out of me.. this guy has went through alot and he still mangages to come through even stronger .. it seems that my struggles are so minor compared to the stuff he deals with but I beleive that those who go through alot were made stronger by God to handle it .. just as Gold is refined by fire... I really appreciate Jessie because he reached out and befriended me and introduced me to practically all of the other people I can honestly say that I dont think I would have lasted without his friendship. and as you can see we were around each other all the time and his face is a majority of my pictures ..no Homo lol

The reason I wanted to post this is because it helps me remember how much I love each of them and that God makes everyone unique and I was lucky to meet them

there are some people that arent pictured like Rachael this awesome funny chick who would helped me open up and be more comfortable with myself and body .. haha.. I miss her but we are supposed to hang out soon so yea lol there are others too like marlon,jocelyn, nick , dorian, consuelo, cooley,oleg, and so many others but you guys probably forgot about me .. lol

New View

So I haven't written on here in a while and I have been wanting to get some of my thoughts down. I also have a new thought of how I should do this blog. I usually use it for venting and complaining to what ever random soul that happens upon my page but also for myself because I have went back and read and remembered what I was going through and how I overcame or am still enduring. So this is my new start and if you choose to be nosy and look at my previous ones but thats up to you


Who am I

I find it hard to define myself.. maybe from fear of the truth or just really not knowing. Lately I have been remembering some repressed memories of my past. I had a reason to hide all those memories away because I was ashamed but there are constant reminders almost everyday but I just stuff them back in and shake it off and look forward like I have grown accustomed to. I wouldn't say I was smart but that also depends on what you are talking about.. Am I generally smart well I think so but for things that could have been forgotten and things I never learned yeah I can stand back and feel dumb while people ask how I dont know about certain things but obviously if I wanted to learn it I would try.. but there are still those people who are/think that they know a lot and are surprised when someone doesnt know something they do.. anyways.. I also have a sort of ADD .. maybe even ADHD .. its not really that i lose focus its that I am trying to multi task.. for instance at church I have had 2 people talk to me at the same time asking about something and instead of noticing that im already being talked to they keep talking and when it comes time for me to respond im like looking back and forth trying to choose who to reply to without having the other feel like i wasnt listening..but the thing is .. its hard being me.. because for some reason I set out to please people either by putting on a show or feeding their ego.. but i dont know maybe thats just how God made me.. the one people look up to.. how Ironic.. .. so this did become a bit of a rant and had no purpose but I feel a little better and want to write a seperate blog for something i have been thinking about..

Will it Hurt

Lately Ive been thinking about how I want so bad to be on fire for God and spread throughout my church. I say that I want to pick up teaching again and even join the worship team. I think all these things at night before I got to bed and by the morning the thoughts and desire have faded. When I look back I remember a time before I was hurt, before I felt that life was stacked against me. During a Wednesday night youth group we had an activity where we write down what we feel is holding us back from following God to the fullest. Since it was anonymous I wrote honestly.I put "Because I am scared my secrets will be revealed." this was a big deal to me since I always worry what people will think. at that time I was afraid everyone would find out I dropped out of school. and you know what. everyone did find out..and it limited me from being a youth leader. So I was sort of right.. right? well what I "learned" was we all have buttons that the devil can press when we want to follow God. as soon as we get up and get ready to do something the devil will remind us "oh wait look at this" and you are stuck. For me time and time again something has managed to come through that hindered me from following and all this on top of my lack of christian lifestyle. So added together I felt that I was hurt so much that I am just a numb shell of who I was. But I see my silver lining as that I'm vulnerable the church knows practically everything I was going through and some still think that a certain lie to be truth and honestly I still feel ashamed.. there is a certain feeling you get when people can believe something about you and dont even ask for the truth. But anyway. I want to learn not to care about what people think about me. to look up from the crowd staring an judging and look to God. I dont know where to start and this could be another one of my pre sleep thoughts but I know deep inside my fire is dwindling and I want to do something..

Is it Me??

So today was alright I have been super tired in the morning so when my alarm went off i kept hitting snooze.. 5 more minutes.. i guess around the 4th time i didnt hit snooze and just turned it off.. I woke up with a shock of "I have to go!" after getting dressed i realized i wasnt going to make it on time to my 8 oclock swim class.. I usually look forward to it.. its cold at first but then to feel like your gliding through the water is awesome.. but I decided to skip both of the swimming classes.. I got to school around 10.. i am never doing this again.. finding parking was horrid.. anyway my day passed and no complaints.. I decided to get some stuff for my car cause it has been running funny .. then i washed it because it really needed it.. then for some reason my step dad started an argument.. he would have usually been at church at this time but he is doing pre-op for a colonscopy he has tommorow.. gross right.. anyway.. he says "couldnt you have done that earlier(wash my car) .. i thought it was strange so i shot back.. "its to hot"..needless to say I confirmed my thoughts that he hates me and is also a hypocrite.. no surprise there.. but then it got me thinking about stuff and I desperately need to vent my thoughts so here it is..




Is it me? i often ask myself this question... there have been many times that have occured where I was made out to be the bad guy.. for instance the first time I really felt hurts was when I was a student leader in my youth group.. time went by and then I was told that I could be seen as a stumbling block to kids who are in school seeing as how i dropped out.. so i was taken off the team.. this experience cause a lot of pain and i still look back to the chance i had to explain my case.. the youth leader had me stand in front of the youth group while he told them that i didnt graduate and thats why he took me off the team.. I stood there with no words and still remember the looks from everyone in that room.. but i just stood there.. and when given the chance to speak i just replied "well you pretty much said it all"
from then on my relationship with Gilbert the youth leader broke.. supposedly he has nothing against me and supposedly i dont have anything against him but if you see how we ignore each other it would be obvious to anyone..

Oh but i cant stop there I have to somehow get on his wifes nerves.. yes Gilberts wife Julie.. now talk about ignoring someone.. supposedly from what i hear she has vowed not to speak to me because of what happend on a youth camping trip.. what happened was everyone was packing up and I was helping my cousin and her friend Lauren take down the tent.. in the middle i found myself doing all the work so i stopped.. then they started and one of the youths dads condescendingly asked me why i wasnt helping them take it down.. and then Julie followed with yea your a guy you should be helping them... I being upset said well people shouldnt be talking if they dont know the situation so they just need to be quiet.. I could have not said anything but i was mad because my cousin and her friend were not only not helping but they were off flirting .. so that added to some of the malice that came in my words which julie apparently took to heart and still is holding her vow today..

then theres the 2 faced step dad i have the displeasure of living with.. not by choice but because i screwed up and am still living at home with no job and barely starting school.. we have butted heads so many times .. we go to church and he is one way with everyone but then not even 10 minutes out of church he is complaining about me not doing something.. or catching me doing something insignificant that he can mention.. like leaving the shower curtain open.. having my light on.. not putting the hose back.. washing my car at night.. he can blow all these things up to where it would be the same as smoking weed in the house or something.. he liteally watches me just to wait for me to mess up so he can start on one of his rampages..

Ok so here the catch.. these people are all leaders and well respected at church so you'd think they'd be a good example... so i wonder is it me thats wrong in all these or is it them.. ones a youth leader with the pastor behind whatever choice he makes ..one is a worship leader who every sunday sings praises to God.. and ones a devoted handy man who is up to volunteer for whatever pastor throws at him like teaching.. so can you see my point.. Is It Me??