I'm back

So I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I have let my life be messed up with lies and deceit from myself and of course the devil. Its funny to think that a malevolent being that is often portrayed as a huge red beast wasting his time making my life miserable but that's just it he wants to keep me under his foot and if I even think about moving he uses the storehouse of things against me to knock me right back down. Sometimes harder then the time before. I am still reeling from the latest shock wave that has struck me and my family but I mean how do you top a close family member accusing me of molestation. I'm sort of afraid to ask. Regardless I am starting to see something that I have been overlooking for many years now. It's that I may have not fully given my life to Christ. I mean the experience I had was unexplainable and I was filled with a joy but then I feel like I got lost in the image and the reputation I had to uphold. There is a verse in the bible that says "am I now trying to please God or man" when I look back I was all about looking the part and now that the tests are coming I have been shaken to my core and there is no more castle that was built in sand. (wow that was 2 bible references already). Anyway so I have started to sing in a "youth band" I despise that name for the obvious reason.. there 5 youth and 4 young adults and me being the oldest constantly hearing "youth band" is almost enough to make me drop in itself. We have had a couple church performances and when I listen to the track I am cringing that I am heard a majority of the time. I have always loved to sing but now with the possibility that people will criticize me about it makes it harder. And something I need to get over is stage fright.. I mean really! I am so taken back with how shaky I get from all the nerves and adrenaline that when I leave the stage I get cramps. not a great experience. The point of this post is to help me get down my feelings at this moment so I can wake up tomorrow and remember the promises I made and changes I wish to see. so until next post.