Out of My head and onto the screen

Father's Day

2011-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

Well Today was Father's day the day we are supposed to show the man in our lives who raised us and taught us what a man was and be a role-model. unfortunately I grew up without my dad so my mom just got two days out of the year other than her birthday to be cherished and celebrated. My mom remarried a few years ago to a guy who I don't really get along with .. he supports me financially only by letting me stay in his home and had food and comfort that goes along with that.. so I appreciate that but I do not look up to this man... just saying.. When I pray I almost always call God "Father" because that is what he is.. a Father of all the earth. I think that God allows us to call him that because we can't fathom some being somewhere with no shape loving and forgiving us.. because when you put the label father or king you automatically think of what you know about these titles. Authority, Power, and never ending love. God has been my father and role-model for a long time now.. He has been watching over me since I was born and I can see many instances that I know he has been there.. Sometimes its tough because there isn't a physical being to be afraid of but the thought of being punished brings a sort of terror and horrible thoughts to my head.. Like if I continue to sin God will take my mother to teach me a lesson. And I know God isn't like that but there are stories about people who strayed and were brought back by an life changing incident.. In the end I Thank God for all he has provided and being so patient with me and continuing to love me despite me...

so that was my rant about my feelings.. Today was a great day at church The band led worship again and I wasnt shaking uncontrollably..I wish we could have warmed up but This one felt like the best performance we have done..

I'm back

2011-06-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I have let my life be messed up with lies and deceit from myself and of course the devil. Its funny to think that a malevolent being that is often portrayed as a huge red beast wasting his time making my life miserable but that's just it he wants to keep me under his foot and if I even think about moving he uses the storehouse of things against me to knock me right back down. Sometimes harder then the time before. I am still reeling from the latest shock wave that has struck me and my family but I mean how do you top a close family member accusing me of molestation. I'm sort of afraid to ask. Regardless I am starting to see something that I have been overlooking for many years now. It's that I may have not fully given my life to Christ. I mean the experience I had was unexplainable and I was filled with a joy but then I feel like I got lost in the image and the reputation I had to uphold. There is a verse in the bible that says "am I now trying to please God or man" when I look back I was all about looking the part and now that the tests are coming I have been shaken to my core and there is no more castle that was built in sand. (wow that was 2 bible references already). Anyway so I have started to sing in a "youth band" I despise that name for the obvious reason.. there 5 youth and 4 young adults and me being the oldest constantly hearing "youth band" is almost enough to make me drop in itself. We have had a couple church performances and when I listen to the track I am cringing that I am heard a majority of the time. I have always loved to sing but now with the possibility that people will criticize me about it makes it harder. And something I need to get over is stage fright.. I mean really! I am so taken back with how shaky I get from all the nerves and adrenaline that when I leave the stage I get cramps. not a great experience. The point of this post is to help me get down my feelings at this moment so I can wake up tomorrow and remember the promises I made and changes I wish to see. so until next post.

You Aren't Me

2010-12-25T23:01:00.000-08:00

I write this as mainly a venting session, Maybe a no Holds bar on how I am thinking and feeling. this is my whole purpose for this blog anyway not for anyone that comes across it or ones that just come to criticize how bad my grammar is or how cliche or dumb my words may sounds.. Its for me

Ok, So I have been noticing that there is thing thing that a lot of people do which is compare themselves to others. they may say small things like "well at least im not as fat or as pretty or dont have as many pimples or as ugly or as dumb as another person" and then theirs the life comparisons "well at least im not like this person" or "I sin but not its not as bad as so and so" or "I didnt get into college this year but at least im not like Anthony" why is this? that last one I recently heard .. I dont know what to day about it.. because of course I am not the best role model for my path of education. but I see it as why compare yourself to me. and then I got it.. OBVIOUSLY ITS TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT HOW YOU FAILED ..you cant handle that you screwed up so you shift the weight and your thoughts to another person who you make yourself feel is worse then you. I have to admit I am guilty of this but I see it as wrong. I am not as "blunt" as some to say it but my mind does go there. We as a people are always trying to make ourselves feel good.. we eat to make stomachs content we post things on our social networking sites so people can see how good our lives our and hope that people might comment or like our statuses or talk about our pictures in a good manner so its pretty much instinct to make our lives out to be better then someone else.

I still am irked about how much people compare their lives to my own but you know what once again... you aren't me ...your experience will never be like mine so take your failure and learn from it

my closing thoughts: will people read this... who cares... will people change.. doubtful... will i shoot back with a retort when you treat me like crap.. your damn sure I will.

because if you want to feel better at the cost of someone elses' hurt than you deserve it

Friends, Aquaintences Hearts and faces

2010-11-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

When I look at the many pictures I have from my time in Utah I sometimes get teary eyed sometimes laugh sometimes get sad but it never fails that I smile
I met some awesome people their and it was a hard experience to get close to people and then all of a sudden be thousands of miles apart with no chance of ever seeing each other. This experience has taught me that in life the people we meet change us. some just slightly but others can change your paradigm on things. The above pictures are just a few who did that they also happen to be people I will never forget no matter how long time passes.

First I'll start with Joel(guy with the hat thats not me) This guy is so funny he had some crazy funny stories and had a i dont give a f*ck persoality and it only made him that much more awesome.. haha.. what I take from him was life is a bi....scratch that.. i mean.. to take the most out of life and have fun and to quote joel f*ck it... haha..

Then theres oksana.. Russian flirty chick nuff said.. hahaha.. just kidding.. she became like a little sister and I learned that girls can be dumb at times and not learn their lessons the first time and usually dont take advice.. haha
And Laura the girl in the bottom right.. She has an awesome personality she helped me learn to reach out and sometimes the best thing we can do is listen she taught me that listening can be better than any advice

Jay(jabez) and trevor.. the inseparables .. when Jay left trevor was lost.. haha.. they were some interesting characters Trevors since of humor and jays string dance.

2 of some crazy awesome girls are Brady and Jessica.. first of all I love both of their faces and I can honestly say that Brady is the coolest most awesome not judging accepting atheist i have ever met and as for jessica.. she was a ball of fun who can come off aggressive and needy but is a good person overall

THen theres Trude(Trudy) Orton (the girl in the red and in the bottom left pic) this girl is pretty awesome herself.. I miss our breakfast time and really liked how she would sit with me when I went to dinner alone I miss her and her free hugs shirt haha..

And last but not least theirs Jessie.(the one in the bottom left, bottom right,top middle, and top left) this guy .. remember how I said that some people have a big impact and can change the way you think... well he was mine.. He got me into running and would push me to push myself and bring the leadership out of me.. this guy has went through alot and he still mangages to come through even stronger .. it seems that my struggles are so minor compared to the stuff he deals with but I beleive that those who go through alot were made stronger by God to handle it .. just as Gold is refined by fire... I really appreciate Jessie because he reached out and befriended me and introduced me to practically all of the other people I can honestly say that I dont think I would have lasted without his friendship. and as you can see we were around each other all the time and his face is a majority of my pictures ..no Homo lol

The reason I wanted to post this is because it helps me remember how much I love each of them and that God makes everyone unique and I was lucky to meet them

there are some people that arent pictured like Rachael this awesome funny chick who would helped me open up and be more comfortable with myself and body .. haha.. I miss her but we are supposed to hang out soon so yea lol there are others too like marlon,jocelyn, nick , dorian, consuelo, cooley,oleg, and so many others but you guys probably forgot about me .. lol

New View

2010-11-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written on here in a while and I have been wanting to get some of my thoughts down. I also have a new thought of how I should do this blog. I usually use it for venting and complaining to what ever random soul that happens upon my page but also for myself because I have went back and read and remembered what I was going through and how I overcame or am still enduring. So this is my new start and if you choose to be nosy and look at my previous ones but thats up to you

Who am I

I find it hard to define myself.. maybe from fear of the truth or just really not knowing. Lately I have been remembering some repressed memories of my past. I had a reason to hide all those memories away because I was ashamed but there are constant reminders almost everyday but I just stuff them back in and shake it off and look forward like I have grown accustomed to. I wouldn't say I was smart but that also depends on what you are talking about.. Am I generally smart well I think so but for things that could have been forgotten and things I never learned yeah I can stand back and feel dumb while people ask how I dont know about certain things but obviously if I wanted to learn it I would try.. but there are still those people who are/think that they know a lot and are surprised when someone doesnt know something they do.. anyways.. I also have a sort of ADD .. maybe even ADHD .. its not really that i lose focus its that I am trying to multi task.. for instance at church I have had 2 people talk to me at the same time asking about something and instead of noticing that im already being talked to they keep talking and when it comes time for me to respond im like looking back and forth trying to choose who to reply to without having the other feel like i wasnt listening..but the thing is .. its hard being me.. because for some reason I set out to please people either by putting on a show or feeding their ego.. but i dont know maybe thats just how God made me.. the one people look up to.. how Ironic.. .. so this did become a bit of a rant and had no purpose but I feel a little better and want to write a seperate blog for something i have been thinking about..

Will it Hurt

2010-10-28T02:14:00.000-07:00

Lately Ive been thinking about how I want so bad to be on fire for God and spread throughout my church. I say that I want to pick up teaching again and even join the worship team. I think all these things at night before I got to bed and by the morning the thoughts and desire have faded. When I look back I remember a time before I was hurt, before I felt that life was stacked against me. During a Wednesday night youth group we had an activity where we write down what we feel is holding us back from following God to the fullest. Since it was anonymous I wrote honestly.I put "Because I am scared my secrets will be revealed." this was a big deal to me since I always worry what people will think. at that time I was afraid everyone would find out I dropped out of school. and you know what. everyone did find out..and it limited me from being a youth leader. So I was sort of right.. right? well what I "learned" was we all have buttons that the devil can press when we want to follow God. as soon as we get up and get ready to do something the devil will remind us "oh wait look at this" and you are stuck. For me time and time again something has managed to come through that hindered me from following and all this on top of my lack of christian lifestyle. So added together I felt that I was hurt so much that I am just a numb shell of who I was. But I see my silver lining as that I'm vulnerable the church knows practically everything I was going through and some still think that a certain lie to be truth and honestly I still feel ashamed.. there is a certain feeling you get when people can believe something about you and dont even ask for the truth. But anyway. I want to learn not to care about what people think about me. to look up from the crowd staring an judging and look to God. I dont know where to start and this could be another one of my pre sleep thoughts but I know deep inside my fire is dwindling and I want to do something..

Is it Me??

2010-09-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

So today was alright I have been super tired in the morning so when my alarm went off i kept hitting snooze.. 5 more minutes.. i guess around the 4th time i didnt hit snooze and just turned it off.. I woke up with a shock of "I have to go!" after getting dressed i realized i wasnt going to make it on time to my 8 oclock swim class.. I usually look forward to it.. its cold at first but then to feel like your gliding through the water is awesome.. but I decided to skip both of the swimming classes.. I got to school around 10.. i am never doing this again.. finding parking was horrid.. anyway my day passed and no complaints.. I decided to get some stuff for my car cause it has been running funny .. then i washed it because it really needed it.. then for some reason my step dad started an argument.. he would have usually been at church at this time but he is doing pre-op for a colonscopy he has tommorow.. gross right.. anyway.. he says "couldnt you have done that earlier(wash my car) .. i thought it was strange so i shot back.. "its to hot"..needless to say I confirmed my thoughts that he hates me and is also a hypocrite.. no surprise there.. but then it got me thinking about stuff and I desperately need to vent my thoughts so here it is..

Is it me? i often ask myself this question... there have been many times that have occured where I was made out to be the bad guy.. for instance the first time I really felt hurts was when I was a student leader in my youth group.. time went by and then I was told that I could be seen as a stumbling block to kids who are in school seeing as how i dropped out.. so i was taken off the team.. this experience cause a lot of pain and i still look back to the chance i had to explain my case.. the youth leader had me stand in front of the youth group while he told them that i didnt graduate and thats why he took me off the team.. I stood there with no words and still remember the looks from everyone in that room.. but i just stood there.. and when given the chance to speak i just replied "well you pretty much said it all"
from then on my relationship with Gilbert the youth leader broke.. supposedly he has nothing against me and supposedly i dont have anything against him but if you see how we ignore each other it would be obvious to anyone..

Oh but i cant stop there I have to somehow get on his wifes nerves.. yes Gilberts wife Julie.. now talk about ignoring someone.. supposedly from what i hear she has vowed not to speak to me because of what happend on a youth camping trip.. what happened was everyone was packing up and I was helping my cousin and her friend Lauren take down the tent.. in the middle i found myself doing all the work so i stopped.. then they started and one of the youths dads condescendingly asked me why i wasnt helping them take it down.. and then Julie followed with yea your a guy you should be helping them... I being upset said well people shouldnt be talking if they dont know the situation so they just need to be quiet.. I could have not said anything but i was mad because my cousin and her friend were not only not helping but they were off flirting .. so that added to some of the malice that came in my words which julie apparently took to heart and still is holding her vow today..

then theres the 2 faced step dad i have the displeasure of living with.. not by choice but because i screwed up and am still living at home with no job and barely starting school.. we have butted heads so many times .. we go to church and he is one way with everyone but then not even 10 minutes out of church he is complaining about me not doing something.. or catching me doing something insignificant that he can mention.. like leaving the shower curtain open.. having my light on.. not putting the hose back.. washing my car at night.. he can blow all these things up to where it would be the same as smoking weed in the house or something.. he liteally watches me just to wait for me to mess up so he can start on one of his rampages..

Ok so here the catch.. these people are all leaders and well respected at church so you'd think they'd be a good example... so i wonder is it me thats wrong in all these or is it them.. ones a youth leader with the pastor behind whatever choice he makes ..one is a worship leader who every sunday sings praises to God.. and ones a devoted handy man who is up to volunteer for whatever pastor throws at him like teaching.. so can you see my point.. Is It Me??

Stop

2010-08-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

Whoa ok sorry about the last blog.. super personal and yet oddly not all true.. this always happens... it gets late and I start saying things I shouldnt say.. but anyways let me clarify..I did Love Julia.. but now its more like.. Im happy for her and I keep saying things im not supposed to.. there are some things you cant say so im sorry about that..

Ok so aside from that.. Today I started my first day at city college.. .. its been a while since ive been in school .. i mean job corp was kinda like school but it was more of self learning.. The day started off way good.. I got up 5 minutes before my alarm and got ready and left a little earlier then i was.. thinking I would beat the rush.. Oh how I was wrong.. i spent 25 minutes looking for parking until i finally resorted to a parking by the Radcliffe stadium.. needless to say I didnt mind the walk but my backpack was packed with every book I had and my laptop.. I get actually on campus and head for my first class which is Swimming.. there were a couple of guys in the locker room waiting for the instructor so I joined them in their waiting.. we struck up conversation and then the instructor showed up.. he opened the gate to the pool and we sat on the bleachers..where he then proceeded to tell us that this class was a swimming Aerobics class.. at first I felt embarrassed but then he asked who actually knew that it was an aquatic aerobics class and only 2 people raised their hands.. so I felt much better.. haha.. he then told us that if we were interested in the actual swimming class to come at 8 because there is still room..so I will be definatly going to that which means I have to wake up earlier but its ok... second class was reading.. I like this class .. I sit behind a guy who looks like superman.. or well his alter ego.. Clark Kent.. from his glasses to his hair.. haha I found it humorous and cool that he had the iphone4.. superman would.. lol.. the 2 girls to my right were talkative but it was funny talking to them soon the class was over and I felt I had time to kill so I walked back to my car.. found a semi closer parking space and unloaded all the unneeded books and my laptop.. im pretty sure my back verbally thanked me... lol.. I headed back and decided to go to the bookstore to get some more needed things but there was a line and it took all my time so i had to go to my next class.. it wasnt until I found a seat when my stomach started rumbling... I knew I couldnt eat anytime soon because I had 2 classes with no time gap so I went through it.. ..My first day was over and as I was walking back to my car I was considering all my options of a meal.. fast food.. .. hot pocket.. Subway!!.. then I was off. then I got a call from my niece saying that my nephew wasnt at the house yet and its been an hour since he got out.. I said i would stop by the school and see if he was there.. then she said that she was hungry so I eneded up opting for pizza.. I got to my house picked her up and found out my nephew was with my mom so that case was solves.. I went for the pizza and came home and ate.. overate actually to the point of gagging.. it wasnt fun.. time went by and I organized my backpack getting ready for tommorow.. .. Hope its a good one ^__^

My Immortal

2010-08-13T01:44:00.000-07:00

I was texting my Ex and she said that a song came on and it reminded her of me.. this isnt uncommon because the same thing happens to me ..

On January 30 2007 I got into a relationship with Julia Jones.. We first met at church I was shy and she was crushing on me.. I wasnt really looking for a relationship at the time but her brother mentioned that me and her should get together because she really really liked me ..we had just came back from a youth trip and I thought she was a cool girl.. so while Julia were talking on the phone I finally asked her out.. it was a funny experience.. seeing as it had been a while since I had done any dating.. So needless to say we made shockwaves throught the church as news hit we were a couple.. me and her just laughed about it.. as time went on we began to hit the milestones.. first date, first kiss, first argument, ... See when i looked at Julia I seen a beautiful Girl who had a special voice and laugh and who loved to sing..aggressive personality.... but other people had their opinions of her..I began to feel ashamed to be with her.. the peoples talking became overwhelming and I broke... broke up with her actually .. I gave her the escuse that I wanted to get closer to God.. but in reality I let my ego and what people thought get the best of me. I didnt want to admit that I cared for her.. .. after we broke up things went south for her.. deaths..homelessness... other horrible things.. and I had the feeling but just kept being stubborn.. then the inevitable happened.. she found someone else.. and at first I was happy until I met him.. he was a alright guy but he dragged her into things i didnt like.. she became a different person.. we still kept contact and the feeling were there for both of us but she was moving on.. fastforward and Shes Happily married with a adorable baby boy.. and im still single lol..

So where im going with this is.. I honestly believe that we were meant to be together I always deny it but when people ask if I even loved Julia I lie and say no but then it sends me through a thought frenzy of how untrue it is.. I think what happened was I broke up a relationship God had put together because she loved me with everything she had but I didnt know what that was at the time.. so God took her broken heart and mended it with her family.. but you cant really get rid of True loves feelings.. Oh the thoughts of the ones that read this.. especially if it is the ones i vehemently denied my feelings to....

So to wrap this vent fest up I Do love Julia and I love that she got her life together She has a beautiful family and when I get mad or annoyed of how her husband treats her he was the one to pick her up.. So I have to stand back and let what could have been go .. I question if we can still be friends because the conversation inevitably turns into how we miss each other and memories of what was come up and stir up those emotions ,...

but I know she made the right decision and I wish the best for her

Heroic Dose of medicine...

2010-05-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

as I sit here and cough while hoping the overdose of cough syrup kicks in soon I want to blog.. As of now my Life is changing .. for the better or worse who knows... ive been down this road before.. pill that might make things better..weekly visits to a person to vent to.. the same old story.. although this time the characters have changed and the consequences are dire.. dramatic much.. well it seems that I am in fact "in over my head" the circumstances I find myself in cant really be repaired.. its as if trying to fix a mirror I can do what I can to repair it but you will still see the cracks.. all I can think of is that No sin goes unpunished.. I could go as far to say this punishment takes the cake . if I come away from this unwavered would be amazing to say the least.. wait unwavered.. in what .. my faith.. I cant define that right now.. promises promises promises.. I go to church and long for that feeling i once got but I leave with the same coldness I walked in with.. sure I can hide it and smile till my cheeks hurt .. im good at that... i actually need to stop .. my laugh lines are becoming permanent.. anyways .. So im on this road and I call up to God but I find its coming from my lips and not from my heart.. strange.. I know how this is supposed to work.. ive seen it done time and time again.. ive heard stories and yet I stand here lost.. how to get back.. it doesnt help that everywhere I look I see destruction.. Liars and hypocrites.. I walk through my church and its like a masquerade ball.. who am I to judge dancing among them.. thats my problem though.. picking out the splinters when there is a plank in my own life.. somethings gotta give and im scared cause its gonna hurt.. God Help me..

Hero

2010-05-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

A hero (hera or heroine in female) (Ancient Greek: ἥρως, hḗrōs), in Greek mythology and folklore, was originally a demigod, their cult being one of the most distinctive features of ancient Greek religion.[1] Later, hero (male) and heroine (female) came to refer to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self sacrifice – that is, heroism – for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence

"and the will for self sacrifice"

I do that alot.. and it doesnt bother me.. I feel its a need of mine.. sometimes I let it affect my life but other times I want the best for people in my life..

I have no idea where im going with this my thoughts are a jumbled mess ..
*breaths*

Trials.. adversity.. troubles.. we are told that God puts Trials in our lives to strengthen us in areas of our lives that could easily be overcome by "the devil"
I feel that I am prone to these trials.. I wont even dare to compare myself to Job... I have blamed God.. maybe not directly but I often ask why this is happening.. but it seems like just when I get life figured out I get knocked down.. I barely dusted the dirt off myself from my last trial and struggled to get up from the last one and now I am headed into another storm ..I feel there is something that I have yet to learn from all my trials.. I know for a fact I let Jesus "take the wheel" but as soon as its over I say "ok Jesus thanks but i gotta go" .... lol.. I have no idea what God has in store for me but I am faithful that all these rough times will prepare me for anything.. I cant be crumbling about little things cause what happens when I get to the big stuff..

oh and yea there was a point to the hero definition up there.. I toyed with the thought of what makes a hero.. .. I feel like I try to be the hero alot.. people know they can always come to me and I will listen.. give advice and if I can.. be there for them.. but who is there for the heroes.. I think I have said that I feel like I have no one to go to when I have troubles.. i mean i know there is God.. but sometimes there needs to be immediate answers .. maybe its just me .. my relationship with God isnt where I can sit by myself and pray and talk to God without feeling like im talking to the air..

ugh still jumbled and venting.. cant even finish this thought without ten others trying to break through.. *sigh*...

Crashing Down

2010-05-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

It never fails.. it seems just as I start to have a turn around and things are going good and I actually want to make a change I get knocked down by something.. for instance.. when I was a youth helper I wasnt helping .. i was more of a student then a teacher.. so I decided .. ok im going to be more mature.. next day I get kicked off the leadership team .. Now.. I was un Utah to get a change going in my life.. everything was awesome.. my christian life was good.. i had friend my age.. I was going to come back and revive my church.. then I get the news im being accused of something by one of my closest cousins.. and not only that.. a majority of my family believes him without even hearing my side of the story.. needless to say this has cause a major rip in our family and i havent even the slightest idea where to start to clean up this mess.. something that gets to me is that some church people know about the accusations and they arent coming to me and seeing if i need advie.. and these are some "leaders" .. but no surprise there.. i church will crumble around their ears and still not admit there shortcomings.. ugh...

Jumped the Gun

2010-04-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so obviously Im home.. good thing right?.. I thought it was what i wanted.. this blog is going to dig deep and be me venting..

Ok so I get home and nothing has changed I sit in my room and wonder why I decided to school here.. I then remember all the people that "missed me" and me being and attention hog ..feeling great that people were actually missing me.. my vanity took over and wanted to come back to all the people.. borderline narcissism right.. bleh.. so anyways I am adjusting to life gradually but my battle with the separation from friends who I consider best friends ... I mean I know we couldn't be together forever but I connected with them so well ..I pray that our paths meet again.. I dont know what a certain one did but I am practically hooked and made so many considerations just to see this person.. its crazy.. another thing that hasnt changed is family life.. I gave him(my step-dad) space and I come back to the same bossy control freak person.. who actually told me that the electric bill was lower when I was gone so for me to try and conserve.. to me it was like whatever .. but I am not going to stand for his demeaning and if I dont like something he says he will get it because he may be the same but I am not... anyways.. another reason I thought would be a good reason was this family drama that has been going on that could involve me and the authorities.. it is a great big mess and I wonder how a family recovers from such allegations... but I am going to face it head on.... again I find myself with a plate full of problems.. and no one to turn to.. well thats just how I feel.. there are people to turn to but none that I feel comfortable enough that would give me advice other then "God has a plan for you" no crap sherlock.. I know that but trying to get on the path or even find it for that matter is hard.. .. someone once told me that I have a special personality and that anything I do I will be good at.. I find that to be crap because I honestly dont know what I want to do.. and how scary is that.. Im a 21 year old who is confused as to what he wants to be when he grows up.. oh but wait a sec... i am grown up.. so that sucks more... the future is chewing me up and time is passing me by.. and all I can do is contemplate on what career path I want to go down.. needless to say I am keeping depression at bay but I feel like im at the end of my rope.. and also at the end of my venting session... in the end I have to make decisions and they wont be made for me like im used to.. time to step onto the escalator to the future and not just watch from the sidelines..

At the airport

2010-04-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

Ok so it's my day to come back home from about 4 months of school in Utah .. It's and i actually feel sad .. I made some really great friends who I will most likely never see again.. That's life though isn't it.. Nooope! I definatly want to keep in touch with alot of the people here .. They have all made an impact in my life and I hope i helped that in someway no matter how small throught it all there were to that no matter what I wanted to see the best for them .. Jesse and Brady .. I consider them best friends Brady like a sister . She's the coolset person on the planet and I dare you to prove me wrong.. She is the most no judgmental .. Loving person.. And it was a blessing o meet her.. As for Jesse.. Wow where to start.. We were roomates for a majority of my time in job Corp but I consider him like a brother he has this personality that when he says he wants to do something you believe he can.. I seen him as a big brother because he seemed to be sure about everything..he was my church buddy ..I was glad when he wanted to come with me to find new churches .. And even agreed to leave a church he liked because I really wanted to try out another one .. He really helped me push through my time here I'm glad I met him to.. Well I just needed to vent those feelings haha can't wait to update this more often ^__^

A week from now...

2010-04-16T09:48:00.001-07:00

I will be back home!!!! ... I wish I had that much enthusiasm but oddly I am apathetic for more then 1 reason.. I mean I will be happy to see everyone and I want to start being a better person then I was but I liked my independence although there are many rules here I found myself at home.. But something that never ceases to amaze me is how attached I get .. I meet people and feel as if I have to protect them .. To elaborate I often find myself going an extra mile for them and can't stay mad at them for anything .. Although I can hardly stay mad in any situation.. I made some great friends here and I will miss them and try to forget the chance I will never see them again .. That's how life is I guess.. But I'm keeping a good mood this weekend will be fun .. My last weekend here and the weather has been awesome the last few days.. I had my fun here and now it's time to go back and do the things I told myself I would..

Bleh..

2010-03-16T17:06:00.003-07:00

Well I felt like I should blog to update all the 0 people that read my blog .. Lol.. At this moment I am sitting in the pool room ready to pass out.. I am in the part of school where they send you to work at a assisted living center.. The thing is I have to be up at 4:10 get ready by 4:50 and get on the bus at 5 get there at 5:30 and "sleep" till 6:30 the. Our day starts.. Getting people up, changing them, feeding them, and over again ... It's my second day sorta my first since I started on a Friday and went back today(monday) I have until Thursday then it's back to campus classes and more tests.. Anyways that all my school stuff as for my social life.. Well it ok I adjusted to my new roomates and my favorite roomate living in a new dorm .. Haha but yea there was an empty bed in his new dorm but I didn't know the Chances that I would get the one in his room.. As for relationships.. None so far which is good but I do find myself flirting .. There is this one girl but I can't really see anything happening with us but she is really pretty so it's fun haha..hmm church life.. It's good I still want to visit this other one just to see how it is but something always comes up so I want to say this sunday for sure but idk..oh and something new came up.. I am actually starting to realize that there are a few people that when I leave here I would never see them again.. I consider them close friends and always want the best for them but man.. It's crazy and I am the closest to leaving .. I am actually considering staying the longest I can just to be with them until they are closer to leaving but it's inevitable.. Well that's all the updates I can think of.. Until next time

Bleh..

2010-03-16T17:06:00.001-07:00

What day is it?

2010-03-03T18:06:00.003-08:00

Wow it's been a while I almost forgot how to do this.. Well lately I have been doing my own thing I have adjusted to my schedule it's getting repetative but I guess it's ok it's already going to be march as of tommorow ..and although I would like to be home I feel good here ..stable.. As for school I got a good pace going so I am actually catching up to people who have been in the class for 3 weeks longer which is encouraging to me because I was doubting that I could even do it.. I prayed and left it all to God I viewed it as my leap of faith ..and along the way I found that I have major self doubt .. I always need comfirmation from others that I can do it.. I'm trying to work on it but I don't know how it's going to far.. Well that's all for now I will try to get this posted .. Does anyone read this? :D

This is war

2010-03-03T18:06:00.001-08:00

Ok wow these last few days have been draining to say the least ..in my last post I stated that I was comfortable and settled in.. Well needless to say I spoke to soon .. Sunday started off as a alright day went to church came back and 2 of my roomates descided to walk to get some pizza.. We ended up with mc donalds but it was cool.. Then we got back and everything was good until the residential advisor(lady that runs the place) came in and told my 2 roomates to pack their stuff they were moving to another room .. At first it was a shock but then we went to find out why.. Her reasoning was for diversity but we know her and from previous times she was just being evil.. The rest of the day was depressing to say the least .. They moved rooms and we got 1 new roomate .. He was African American like she said so we figured the other one would be to.. During all this something awoke in me and I descided i wasn't going to sit by and let it happen.. I wasn't going down without a fight ... So Monday comes I got to my counseler and let her know what's happened .. She recommends me to someone whose position is above the residential advisors postion.. So I get a hold of him and let him know what's happening.. .. Yea I could feel the situation escalating.. Today comes and I got more problems .. So me and 2 of my roomates go to the 2 main people again because we are all tired of the residential advisor(ra) they call a meeting and the stuff hits the fan.. She was lying and I called her on each one of them .. My former roomate Is a bit of a hot head so he went off and side note our (ra's) a yeller but so is he so it for loud for a minute .. Things were said and before I knew it .. It was over.. I have yet to find out what resolution they have come to but I'm sure us and the ra are on bad terms.. I am so drained from these last few days .. I hope it gets better.....

At home

2010-02-06T15:50:00.001-08:00

I haven't counted the days for a while I know it will be a full month since Ive Been here on feb. 3 .. It doesn't feel like it though I really think these next few months should fly by .. I have been doing bookwork for the last 2 weeks ..it has been alright but learning the terms is going to be kinda challenging but I am pretty sure this is what I want to do .. Something I am happy about is that waking up at 5:30 is getting easier I have a schedule that works out pretty well but I still feel tired throughout the day.. This upcoming week should be interesting because I will be starting hands on training I'm semi looking forward to that..I don't get homesick at all anymore but it's hard to know I'm missing birthdays especially my nephews and moms and friends.. Oh something I am not to happy about here is washing.. It's usually smart to wake up at 5:30 and wash but sometimes there are early birds and no washers and the dryers suck so it takes about and hour and 15 minutes ... Not to fun.. I'm so glad it's the weekend.. :D

Another monday another week

2010-01-21T17:25:00.001-08:00

Well one thing I noticed is that I stopped counting the days, weeks, and hours until the next break haha.. I found some really cool friends I could be myself around but with one of them I find myself saying things I wouldn't normally and I don't realize until after I said it..

Life here has been getting better I had a good weekend but on saturday felt like I had the most horrible day.. At first it was good but then i had consecutive what I felt were bad events first I called home and was told to call back at 5 because then i could catch my nephew seeing as how it was his birthday party and I wanted to call him but around 4 my phone started acting weird and I could not call so I descided to walk to the store and use a payphone .. On my way out I was stopped by the dorm manager and she said I still had to do my "positives" which are volunteered chores..and I needed 5 she said go and come back to see what I needed to do so I hurried to the store.. It costed a dollar to use and I got choked up trying to talk to my nephew it struck me that since he is so young that he might forget who I am .. I finished the call and went back .. Ended up having to sweep a bathroom .. When I look back at all these events they don't even seem bad because for one my phone is now working perfectly, I only had to do 1 chore instead of all 5. And i had re exact change to make the call and I got to talk to my nephew and my sister.. Sometimes in the midst of a storm it takes until you are finally out if it to realize things aren't as bad as they seem .. My day is starting maybe I will post this later hope everyones day is a good one .. : D

Gods promises

2010-01-16T16:30:00.003-08:00

Ok so latetly I have been trying to build my relationship with God to a higher level.. Before I was just stagnent aka a "Sunday Christian" but here I made it a priority to pray, read my bible, and do a study but I always forget to pray before I eat .. Sometimes I catch myself but most times I forget so sorry.. But I'm trying .. My point of this is lately I have been getting my prayers answered and God is being brought up in conversations I am around .although sometimes I don't contribute because I don't what to say .. But it's amazing.. My roomate even suggested that we got to church this sunday and was upset that I had went to church last Sunday and didn't tell him cause he would have went.. I think it's a good oppurtunity for God to work through me.. Also my week has been super hectic .. I am in this week which they call "KP" where we work in the cafeteria doing jobs like cleaning, mopping, sorting dishes , loading them into the washer and. Unloading them .. We work 8 hour days and start at 6 needless to say it has been hard but with prayer I have been able to get up every morning .. Something that stinks is that I got a runny nose and right now my nose is so raw from the blowing it hurts .. I hope I am better by the weekend.. An next week we actually start The career training.. So I am looking forward to that :D

Bad influences

2010-01-16T16:30:00.001-08:00

"Do not be mislead, bad company corrupts good character" 1 Corinthians 15:33 that verse has been on my mind alot lately I mean the meaning of the verse is plain and true and I have been hanging around people that aren't ..well they aren't bad but the stuff they talk about is.. For instance while I was working the dish line I was standing ext To my friend Rachel and the whole time we were laughing and making jokes but the stuff we were talking about wasn't good and I found myself thinking about it.. Like what to make into a joke.. And with the cursing that is all around I find myself cursing in my head I mean it's happened before but now it's like I have no emotion toward it .. A few days ago I was in a rush because the work experiance starts at 6 but I also promised myself I would read my bible before usually 5 psalms in the morning but today I said ok just one and go back to my regular schedule after this week.. Well I read it but I didn't take in what it was saying so I went through the day and after the bad talking I remembered the verse I had read in the morning and
it struck me that I wasn't being a good example I was being influenced needless to say I didn't stop because it became like habit .. All this rambling but my point is ..I realized that the devil will do anything to sever your relationship with God, and sometimes you think that some things you do aren't a big deal it will eventually become part of your character ..

Another Sunday

2010-01-12T18:03:00.001-08:00

This weekend has been pretty good .. I got my sleep, got my clothes washed and now I am up and ready to try out another church.. I Got up today not tired as usual so I'm happy about that this next week is my final week until I actually get into my trade(just a way of saying what we came here to study) but first we have to go through a thing called "KP" where we are assigned to help in various places .. I got placed in the cafeteria which means I could either be washing dishes, cleaning tables, or serving food... I think any I get placed with I will ok with but the thing I am not looking forward to is having to be there by 6 so I would have to be up around 20- 30 minutes earlier .. I guess it's not that bad.. I hope the week goes by fast that would be nice.. :D

Waves are crashing down

2010-01-08T18:13:00.001-08:00

Well this week has been.. Hard.. It's sorta like a emotional rollarcoaster .. I mean during the day I'm good and get through class and but after I start feeling homesick but just a small bit..I thought it would be a good idea to "swim it off" because it's good excercise and I love to swim.. Well the swimming helped until it was over .. When I get back to my room I feel a tightening in my chest and can hardly control my emotions ..I get seriously homeSICK.. Emphasis on the sick because I feel nauseous ..and I start practically hyperventalating .. I pray and after a while it goes away.. But for some reasons some songs set me off again.. I think it's wierd because when I was here previously It had never got this bad..I feel dumb because a guy my age should be out of the house and working to succeed later in life..I mean I already got a late start so I remind myself that this is to better myself and if I work hard I could be out of here before break.. ..I am so looking forward to break..but I will have missed so much.. Birthdays.. Well yea I want to get everyones birthday to atleast send a card ..I haven't blogged in a couple days for a couple differant reasons.. For one I have grown way to accustomed to the ease of access to myspace on my phone.. And 2 it wouldn't matter unless I stopped by my wireless access point and I haven't been there since Tuesday haha.. Well my first week back and my forth week in total.. I have to keep busy.. :D

Returned

2010-01-05T17:07:00.001-08:00

Ohgosh I am soo tired .. Yesterday was my flight to Utah and everything went fine .. I was actually looking forward to being back my flight, although boring went smooth and I arrived here around 3 but here it's an hour ahead so around 4 I spent the rest of my time unpacking and starving seeing as I hadn't eaten the whole day ..I had missed dinner and everything was off limits so I ended up with a bag of lays chips..it satisfied the headache and my stomach ..but just as I thought ..the morning is horrible .. Waking up at 5:30 was not fun especially since I woke up twice and I got a rush of home sickness I am still not used to the leaving I take it as nothing and as if I would see everyone like the next day so I don't take the good-byes that serious but then I get here an feel as if I dont have closure ..well my day has started and I feel like crap I want to sleep! Lol .. Well as I heard about 15 times yesterday "welcome back to hell" :D

Unbreakable

2010-01-05T17:06:00.001-08:00

Well my home sickness is gone it's funny because it's triggered by certain songs or when I get a message on myspace from my sister I feel good being here .. I have already made my schedule for what things I will do to keep myself busy .. Oh and I have made a commitment to God and myself to read the bible every morning and night .. And since I started I have felt more comforted also I have been praying so I'm sure that has something to do with it .. Today I got up feeling great thank you God .. But as before I am dehydrated and always thirsty so I am actually sitting in the cafeteria blogging while drinking water, orange juice , and a milk but I don't think I will finish the milk..

Change?

2009-12-25T22:19:00.001-08:00

So when I read through my blogs from when I was in Utah my writing style seemed different .. Idk if it's Just me overthinking

So Being at home has been cool I enjoy the comfort and sleeping in and even my step dad was in "stepford" mode(the movie where the community are robots and are made to be perfect) but it didn't take long for the troll to rear it's ugly head and in this case hearing him complain to my mom for 15 minutes about something insignificant we did.. Oh and guess what.. Since I came back I went to church and already created rumors .. Well maybe not rumors exactly but I guess people got the impression that I didn't want to talk to anyone .. I found it to be absurd especially since I talked to everyone .. But I don't know.. I hope I have matured since I have been gone although if I took anything from Utah it would be mostly a bad example .. Christmas was today but most of the family celebration was yesterday .. To me it didn't feel like Christmas but then again what does Christmas feel like .. While I was in Utah I didn't see any decorated houses .. I didn't watch much tv and didn't hear many Christmas songs but then I get here and it's like bam! Lights and music and all that junk ... It's hard to conceive that this day represents the day that the savior was born ..my family made a cake and read the bible story .. I didn't participate for a number of reasons but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate what God did ... And really it doesn't say to celebrate this day because we should be thankful everyday for being saved from eternal seperation from God.. Well that's all for now.. Who wants to buy me the glee season 1 DVD :D also I need socks haha

Forever and a day...

2009-12-18T07:53:00.003-08:00

That's what waiting for Friday feels like.. It's Wednesday and I am lying on my bed wishing I could go back to sleep .. I am dressed and ready but oh how i wish I could sleep ...ok so everyone that's been here for longer then a month calls this place hell I am starting to see the first signs of what they are talking about.. If you don't keep busy you will be bored as heck.. For me I have practically memorized all the songs even moreso then the ones I already knew.. And I have watched all 4 movies and 2 music videos and my 1 episode of glee(I have watched the episode around 4 times already) I don't even have atleast a book to keep busy .. I guess I am ready for the break for the sleep and also taking all the uneeded songs that take up so much memory .... I have also been feeling confused about coming back after break .. We were talking about the trade we will be taking and it seems I was off on how long i would be here.. Unless after trade I want to go to college here which they would pay everything... I mean that's a good deal and I'm learning to be dependant like I should be.. I mean I am 21 I should be out of the house already but I was lazy and screwed up and time just ran laps around me as I just sat there and watched it pass.. This is a first step but i need to see it through .... Something that has crossed my mind is this program in Fresno that has the same trade I am going for but I would be in town but I would be dependant on my mom and fidel.... Right now I see my life in "Fight or fall" Mode.. I can either fight through this place and be here maybe 3 to 4 months or go home, back to where I started and try that other program that I don't know much about .. I haven't been praying or reading my bible that much so I think that's the reason for this doubt ..

Freedom writers

2009-12-18T07:53:00.001-08:00

So it's finally Thursday and that means my last day here .. Well technically I have to sleep one more nigh but by 7 tommorow morning I will be waiting at the airport for the plane to take me to my home!!

Lately life for me has been repititious .. It's the same everyday .. I can see why people would get tired of it.. We are trying out our trade of choice mine being "health occupation" we had our first "hands on" experiance .. It was so boring .. We did a packet ad then tried out a blood pressure thing and sat for an hour during that I had no choice but to eavesdrop on this conversation a student and the student instructer were having.. They were talking about all the drugs they have tried and how it made them feel(I know right) I wouldn't want them to work on me or anyone I know of.. Finally that torture was over .. We went to lunch and then back to class where we are watching the movie "freedom writers" I acutally am getting into it.. I have wanted to watch it but I never got a chance but now I got one well it's time to start my day I can't wait till tommorow

Mixed up...

2009-12-14T17:00:00.001-08:00

I keep forgetting that this blog thing posts my post in th wrong order.. It happenf on several occasions and since I haven't been on an actual computer I can't do anything about it..

Today is my 3rd week here.. We have a new class and teacher it was soo boring but we ended up going to a museum and lucky me I forgot my camera.. It was the "aerospace museum" it had these huge airplanes they were mostly replicated .. They had the wright brothers plane.. It was pretty cool exept i was mad I didn't have my camera .. When we got back to the dorm i remembered it was payday .. The line was long so I descided to go to the mail room.. It was only. 1.38 to send 2 letters and a post card .. I am glad I got em out.. I then cane back and waited in line to get paid. . I got 55 dollars but they took 24 for taxes and some shirts they provided ..i ended up with 31 so i'm ok with that.. I can use that for gifts .. I can't wait to get home the days seem to pas ls by slow so I look forward to sleep so another day will come..Christmas is just around the corner ... A Christmas tree in the back of a truck reminded me of home and decorations.. Th lights and the smells.. Christmas time is here..

Hark go the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say throw cares away, Christmas is here, bringing good cheer to young and old, weak and the bold... Carol of the bells .. I went from memory so the lyrics might be a little off haha..

If we ever needed you, Lord it's now

2009-12-13T08:31:00.001-08:00

Here I am in snow covered Clearfield, Utah ..the white fluffy stuff is everywhere as far as my eyes can see it's silent execpte for the cars passing and the snow melting.. While I was walking snow fell from three trees and hit me as if it was a snowball.. I laughed amused at the thought that it was God messing around the most high playing with his creation.. Haha..I am up early on a weekend because I am going to church .. There was a list of about 25 churches out of those i seen 2 with the word baptist .. I ended up choosing "first baptist church of Ogden" sounds good right? Lol.. Next Sunday I will be in my home church I can't wait..

Tap tap

2009-12-12T12:10:00.003-08:00

Well I am back to making up random post titles haha.. Lately I have been having a great time my roomates make me laugh alot although a huge majority of the things they talk about of sex .. It's so funny though cAuse Jessie one of my roomates he says whn I lay down I look like I am posing for a picture haha he says it's the "gay pose" haha I think I lucked out on rooms because our room has cool people but we are always having someone come in usually to bother us but it usually leads to something funny .. My iPod has become our entertainment.. My roomates like to play tap tap or make their own it's fun but now a guy that has been known to steal came in and tried once .. I kinda nervouse so I am going to keep my iPod on me at all times...

I keep counting down until we leave for break and now it's closer then ever..I want this week to fly by and thn when I am on my break I want time to go as slow as possilbe ..well that's all for today

Adaptation

2009-12-12T12:10:00.001-08:00

I noticed that I haven't had much complaints.. I mean about other people of course like when I complain how my brother annoyed me or my step dad I guess that's good but I still miss them..I was going through my. Older posts when I was worried about my friends and basically saying "what would they do without me" haha.. I have come to the conclusion that they don't need me.. I need them.. Of course I miss the laughter and fun times but all of our lives still go on.. I just hope it won't be wierd when I return..

So I have found the time to actually post at 6:21 In the morning.. I usually actually get it uploaded by 5:45 in the evening but it's ok but the this is I have to remember what I did yesterday..
A day here consists of waking up by 5:30 showering, walking to the office to sign in, coming back to the room to clean and make my bed(everyone is up doing this) then I wait till 7 and walk to the class I have.. We are in there until 3:45. Then we come back here and have a thing called "group" and after that we are pretty much free to do whatever .. There are plenty of things to do.. Like swim,pool(billiards),basketball,volleyball,computer gaming, and alot more to keep busy.. My personal favorite is comeing back to my room and napping till 5:30 they we can leave the campus .. And I head for the gas station for the free wifi for an hour .. But yea it's not like a prison it feels like a college campus atomosphere there are 4 dorm buildings there are 3 nice new ones and 1 not so new old one.. Guess which one I got .. According to people the best dorm is aptly named "the Hilton" and the one I happen to be in "the ghetto" haha.. Owell it's nice and we have our own bathroom
Well now I must begin my day :D

Stop counting

2009-12-09T16:48:00.001-08:00

Well I've grown used to the plan I made.. What I mean is I didn't really prepare myself emotionally I just went around saying "yea 2 years" like it was nothing but in actuality after my first 10 days I was ready to throw in the towel.. I keep weighing the pros and cons of going home and being here and they both have there good things but in the long run this will be the best thing for me.. I actually haven't been struggling with the same problems here than at home.. I also see that I took alot for granted ..I didn't do many chores at home it was just wash dishes and trash..but here we are assigned chores .. It ranges from bathrooms - vacuuming .. An not just our room sometimes we get assigned the bathrooms that other dorms use.. Cleaning up after over 15 guys is not too fun haha.. I've sorta got the waking up down .. What is it they say "it takes 30 days to make a habit" .. Well I'm at 8 so far haha..I'm sure my sleeping habits will change when I get home .*sigh* home.. How i miss little things .. From the coffee aroma in the morning to my nephew walking in my room asking for my iPod.. I practically went cold turkey from tv .. I watched tv for like 5 minutes on Saturday when I had to washed clothes.. I miss glee!! Today is the last episode until April.. I read that somewhere.. Well when I get home I will watch them.. It's 6:44 and my day is just about to start.. :D

Day 8

2009-12-08T16:52:00.001-08:00

Already! Well it feels as if the weekend flew by and even though I got to sleep in I ended up waking up at 9 .. I am so tired .. I forgot how much it hits you when your not used to mornings .. The last few days have been pretty cool I've been getting involved with stuff to keep myself busy so I don't think about how many days left until break.. It's been snowing since Saturday I haven't grown accustommed to walking in it although I haven't slipped thank God .. The fluffy white stuff is everywhere and even though there isn't any where I live I am already tired of it.. I think the coldest it's gotten was 12 degrees ..oh wow did I feel a differance ..

Last night I had a dream I was back home I was just in time for a Christmas program at our church I seen moises and elly and benji first as I walked I noticed everyone else.. That was pretty much my dream but being home felt so good ..well I can't wait till I am back on the plane back to Fresno .. Although I hope the weather clears up by then...

5th day

2009-12-05T16:32:00.001-08:00

So it hasn't Been that bad exept for the occasional homesickness one thing that worries me is that we can only take one bag home an had to be under 50 pounds ..I camer here with 2 bags with around 40 pounds hopfully I can fit everything bad into one bag oh yea and it's snowing!

I didn't post yesterday(not that it matters without wifi) but it was Friday which being here means kicking back and hearing all the drunk people talk ..I went to the store to catch the wifi it was packed so I ended up standing I updated all the sites and got some snacks and headed back some of my roomates were here so I climbed on my bed (oh I don't think I mentioned I sleep on bunk beds and I had the top) I usually chill up here ..oh how I miss my bed.. Things at home seem to be going well I called home and nothing seemed different.. I am semi used to waking up at 5:30 every morning everyone doesn't get up till 5:45 so I like taking my time ..I have some good outcomes of being here and also some worrysome ones but I'm sure I'll get over them.. Time is going to slow I am trying to keep my Mind off the break but people keep counting down the days..

Day 3

2009-12-04T17:37:00.001-08:00

Today went by good all the "first weeks" go through this process of tests and letting us know some more info about the center ..I am still trying to avoid all the secondhand smoke I pray I don't get lung cancer .. And in our room my roomates are cool but they cus so much and I find my self slipping but in my head haha oh today we had a swim test but I was dissapointed because we had to swim arcoss the width of the pool and I was done in lest then a minute i was going to come back but then I heard the best news ever my roomates told me about the gas station across te street off campus that has free wifi I waited a minutes and then headed for it ..I come to find out that the 1 hour leaves(that's all we get) don't start till 5:30 so I came back to the room seeing it was only 4:20 I watched a movie but I couldn't enjoy it because I kept checking the time I headed back around 5:20 and there was a line forming so I took my place and waited finally I got to the gas staion and I was ecstatic to find out that it was true .. I posted my blogs checked myspace and texted..seeing as I only had an hour it flew by .. I bought chapstick because my lips are super chapped .. I came back and stayed in my room I passed the time on my iPod and started feeling weary about my descison on staying or going i would feel like a failure but I m reading this book about Christmas but I came across how we are selfish beings try to control our own lives and end up missing out ..I have to admit I came here with the worst intentions although I haven't done anything there are plenty of traps around campus.. Well I have been pyaing and reading so Im leaving it in Gods hands oh and "I MISS GLEE" ugh I won't be able to see it next week either and the hour ahead difference here doesn't help because I think it comes on earlier .. I don't remember though.. I haven't watched tv since I got here I was having myspace withdrawals haha I got my fix today but started feeling homesick.. Christmas break is around the corner I can't wait :D

Day #2

2009-12-03T16:43:00.003-08:00

Well I got through my second day today was all medical shots and vitals the whole 9 yards I then we got to meet some "important people" like the center director ..i have also concluded that there is no accesible wifi in the area .. The ones that I picked up were locked and I guess it was the directors or something.. So I will keep blogging but all my posts will come up at one time whenever I get in a hot spot which doesn't seem like anytime soon .. I am having doubts I mean the people are alright but everywhere you go there are smokers I won't be suprised if I end up getting lung cancer there is so much second hand and the grounds reeks of the smell.. There are designated smokers areas but doesn't look like anyone takes it serious. ..bleh.. And from what I hear people my age get tired of this place because the first month is pretty much preperation.. I played with the thought of calling it quits but it's only my second day and had all that commotion with me leaving.. Would the smoking and other minor problems be enough to justify going home? Idk..

Utah!!!

2009-12-03T16:43:00.001-08:00

So I don't know where to start .. Ok so. I could not sleep last night for nothing i woke up around 6 and stayed lying in bed thinking about what my trip and the plane was going to be like.. I was packed I got to the airport and it went smooth I got on the plane and it was nothing I enjoyed it although I didn't get window seat and the person sitting next to me was kinda annoying but I got through it I got my luggage it took about an hour for everyone to arrive because there was like 13 more people going to the same place we got on a bus and headed to eat pizza .. After another 45 minute drive we got to the campus .. It's awesome . Way more then I expected .. I seriously need a laptop.. There is a gaming room, theatre, full gym and so much other stuff.. It's cold but my sweaters worked good .. I have a room with 5 other guys 3 of them are so funny but constantly talk dirty .. The other 2 are wierd.. One suppsosedly talks to himself and the other guy is new to and is odd but he is kids my first friend haha his name is "Oleg" but his nickname is Lego.. He's cool but says some random stuff .. Well today was awesome I should have brung my phone because these guys are cool almost everyone has some sort of electronics and a majority of people are gamers and hackers ..

I don't know how to end this my mind is so scattered so bye for now :D

To anxious to sleep

2009-12-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

It is exactly 6:44 and I am not sure if I even slept.. I think I dreamt for about 5 minutes and then was back rolling over struggling for comfort.. Ugh..

Well yesterday was my suprise going away party even though I would normally complain about not making it a big deal I was happy I got to actually have a formal good-bye .. Wow what a party it was.. I was good walking up to the building I was good seeing everyone there then when I seen my mom i could see her trying to be strong wether it be for me or not to make a scene but I could tell I walked to give her a hug but I felt my phone vibrate I seen it was my sister so I answered, she asked all the normal questions cause I guessing forgot to claryfy but she knew I was leaving in the middle of the call my voice started quivering.. I shook myself to get a grip and got through the call then at the end she says to keep in touch because my neice and nephew look up to me and will miss me .. I did my best to calm my voice but once I said by I knew it was over ..this whole time since I found out I was leaving I didn't cry I didn't want to. But all my emotions started to flood through! I was freaking crying and in front of alot of my friends I knew I had to get it together so I ran to seclude myself I am glad Noone saw I took deep breathes and I was good but my eyes told otherwise I walked back not knowing what to say about my leaving or my bloodshot eyes so I hesitated going back in.. I then see my mom I ask her for some eye drops once I had them in I hoped they would relieve the redness but then I see my mom crying .. I was on the brink of losing it she hugged me and I should have told her I loved her but it was all I could do to not start balling(extreme crying) but I cringed my teeth and fought it although stray tears would come I knew the jig was up and people would see I had cried.. It took a good 15 minutes for me to shake it off and have regular conversations with people as I watched there eyes stare with this look as they seen my teary bloodshot eyes.. I tried to lighten the mood and tried to be humorous and it finally paid off.. The night went well and I took alot of pictures said alot of good-byes.. It felt so strange and awkward but it was sort of like closure..

Good -bye for now I hope to keep blogging I wad given a neat journal but would feel primitive using it .. Haha
Adios until the search for a good wifi hot spot Is over :)

(I love you mom)

Hero

2009-11-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

The surrealness of my situation is finally going away and the reality is hitting and hitting hard.. Of course I am reffering to my leaving to job corps which is located In clearfield Utah ..I haven't really been thinking about how I am going to actually not see some people for a long while.. I got alot of goodbyes and good lucks that may have been the reason..but my time was short and there was one more person I needed to say goodbye to ..I didn't know how to approach her so I told her daughter to be like "mom guess what" haha it worked perfectly..I got the usual reaction "why" "how long" where" but then it got silent an I made eye contact I seen tears welling up in her eyes .. I immediatly looked away because that's as contagious as a yawn to me.. So I tried to compose myself I looked up and smiled it didn't help that people were around so elly says "see everyones gonna miss you " after that encounter I was sorta in a daze for the rest of the day .. I am so dramatic i feel like doing things as if I was going to die..

Today was a good day.. I was awaken by my mom asking if I was going to ride with them I tried to shrug but then drifted back in my slumber..then I woke up again to my sister turning on the light I guess she was checking if I was here.. I looked at the time and ha to get up if I wanted to get a ride to church.. I dressed and soon I was at church.. It was break time and everyone was in the sanctuary so I took my normal seat and watched the worship team practice .. Flash forwad to after church.. I said alot of good byes and then the encounter happened and then we left .. My sister took us to eat an then to old navy after we headed to Moises house because we were going to buy a new rockband game and I have been wanting to play it because it has alot of newer songs..we got to the store and got the game we got to his house and started the game we were hurrying because it would be my first and only time playing it until I come back for Christmas ..we played until it was time for night church and we went.. I went back into my daze.. I don't even remember the topic..well I do remember something about a "biblical superman" yea ..so I came home and cleaned making as much room for victor and storing all my stuff ..oh ew the worst part of my whole situation is the stress .. I has made me break out ..great.. Hopefully the clearsil somehow works wonders.. I want good first impressions haha :D

Thankgiving

2009-11-27T00:20:00.000-08:00

Today I awoke to the aroma of many things being cooked and reheated..It was Thanksgiving the smells lingering through the air it what woke me up but I wanted to sleep.. I was then startled by the light .. it was my brother as he got up and collected the clothes he would wear and headed for the shower..I rolled over and grabbed my ipod. the clock read "9:32" .. hit the myspace and Iknights apps and updated them.. then I grabbed for the remote and turned on the tv.. I found myself watching "Tom and Jerry"... I dont really care for that cartoon but I wasnt really watching just more of waking up and letting my eyes adjust.. Victor came into the room so I took that time to take my shower.. I didnt know what to wear so i through on some jeans and an old faded black t-shirt.. Time passed and I changed into something more "Formal".. as people started arriving... soon we were all at the tables eating ..at the end my plate was empty and I was stuffed.. my stomach most likely has stretch marks I now know what a "food baby" feels like.. haha.. I lied on my bed to let the food settle .. my niece was kept me company but she was playing an online chat site where she dresses her avatar... I wanted to sleep just to forget about my fullness but I took to trying to beat a score on a game .. I finally beat it and by this time our house was almost cleared of people.. just immediate family was here now.. I helped clear the chairs and tables and then retreated back to my room because I was hoping that I could take a nap.. I changed into pajamas and lied in my bed.. sleep didnt come but I did make a playlist.. it has "Nap songs".. which included any slow melodic songs christian and non.. by this time the clock hit 7 and I spent time watching tv and on my ipod.. my sister then called me to say she was leaving which meant I had to come in her room and keep an eye on her son while she goes out and endures the chaos of "black Friday" I am hoping to get atleast 3 shirts out of it.. haha... Today was a day to give thanks for all your blessings.. I mostly thought about how thankful I was to have such awesome people come through my life... I thought about alot of people and how they Effected my life .. some big..some small.. some close friends ..some acquaintances ..but all had good roles :D

Grace

2009-11-25T23:54:00.000-08:00

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time -Barlowgirl -I need you to love me

I really like that song.. So lately I haven't been posting because either lack of will or not being here.. This week has been hectic and with thanksgiving tommorow it's not likely to slow down..I have recently been so caught up In packing I have noticed a steep decline in my spiritual life..lack of conviction,prayer, but the surrealness of this whole situation of mr moving out of state has barely hit me..and not in a big way..which made me think about this flaw I have.. I am numb..I don't have emotions about alot of stuff.. Change comes easier than natrual..I just role with the punches but stay stagnent and just go about living..I keep having dreams that my family is pushing me out.. Like my brother Boxing all my clothes and taking my bed out of the room .. It's a little weird cause when I got up today I noticed he moved my dressers to the bottom and his to the top..i lost my train of thought and stood there staring at my brothers clothes for almost a full minute..I daydreamed alot today..it was a beautiful day..peaceful...I reminiced about alot of things ...today we had a thanksgiving service at church.. I went partly to tell more people about my departure..I ended up babysitting my sisters son..which turned into 8 kids.. They seemed to settle while watching Dora but when it came to veggie tales all hell broke loose and paper airplanes were going into eyes ..yes.. It was chaos.. I talked to an old friend and ended up catching the last 20 minutes of the sermon.. I was more distracted by the lack of formality..kids everywhere screaming .. Youth talking .. But I can't blame them..it was a 2 and a half hour service..it ended and I had the beginings of a headache.. I tried to steere clear of any people but it was easier because they were all busy talking to each other.. I finally came home and rested... I'm not looking forward to the chaos that will ensue tommorow as we celebrate thanksgivng but my personal thankfulness is on my mind..I am mostly thankful to God for his grace on me despite me..

Happy thanksgiving

Remember me

2009-11-19T22:29:00.000-08:00

Ok so lately I have been talking about my departure almost like non stop on my blogs it's hard not to because thoughs of it consume my mind for a majority of my day.. But I do find the reaction to my leaving interesting.. For most of my friends it was a "why" and they got this blank look on there face as they look down for a second then go on about a scenario of me returning with a wife and possible kids haha.. I didn't expect people to go all crazy get sad and emotional But there is one friend in particular ..when she heard she seemed apathetic .. She hasn't said I would be missed or anything.. I considered us close she was like a little sister but it seems she could care less.. Maybe I'm over thinking it…

today I woke up earlier than usual to the sound of a vacuum .. It was my mom .. She has started "spring cleaning" ikr.. It's in large part because we will be having thanksgiving here.. Yippy right?( I wonder if Jesus used parables as sarcasm??) haha .. But yea she has been cleaning everything.. I got up reluctant at first until I remembered it was Thursday and that meant the Christian club at sunnyside high school .. It also meant I got to see my old friend which we planned to hang out this lunch time but I didn't see her so I headed to the club.. They showed a video and a guy gave his testimony.. It was over and I began chatting with everyone(elly jose Moises and their 4 friends) the bell rang and I walked with jose to his class until I ran into my friend she was mad I didn't wait so I agreed to walk her to her class.. We reminiced and she reminded me of this super embaressing yet ellaborate story I came up with instead of addmitting I liked her.. This was ling ago but I was laughing and kicking myself for saying something so stupid.. We got to her class and said our goodbyes.. As I left I felt bad that I didn't tell her it would likely be the last time I would see her ..I walked to the front gate and proceeded to walk home... I forgot how far it actually was . My iPod estimated an hour walking I actually didn't notice between my thoughts my iPod and pain in my feet keeping me occupied.. I got home drank like a gallon if water and waddled to my sisters computer.. I got some music and uploaded a new pic .. My mom asked if I wanted to go get a haircut.. I said yes so we headed off .. I got it cut and at first I was like ewe but then once the gel was in place I felt satisfied ...I returned home again and by this time my niece and nephew were out of school fast forward and they got picked up and soon me and my sister were off to worship practice .. They did their thing ad I chatted with jose .. His mom asked me questions about my leaving and after the singing was over I chatted with elly and Saul.. I left and once again was in my room .. I ate a small dinner showered and washed dishes.. Sleep time.. :D

Hold my heart

2009-11-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

I find music to be very persuasive(I don't know if that's the right word) but how it seems it can manipulate your feelings to extremes how a song can encourage, discourage, covict, even make feelings like hate,sadness, happiness or even love to become as if on steroids.. Love songs can make you relate lyrics to a person you are crushing on, sad songs push you deeper into a depression or to the brink of tears..happy uplifting songs can make you want to dance around or strut around as if your all that and a bad of chips.. Pardon my expression for being so 1990's haha .. I have experianced all these emotions from listening to songs.. I am a big fan of music.. All types of music.. If
I hear something I feel as if I need to. Hear and examine the lyrics beats ,rythem and usually the message of the song.. I am a Christian but I am very eclectic in my taste of music.. My iPod has theist randomest artists from "lil Wayne" to "Taylor swift" and "demi lovato". I don't like that much rap because the lyrics get a little much from the sex innuendos ..Christian music Is a large majority of my iPod song list .. I like to listen because unlike secular music Christian music has a way of relating to everyone personally because everyone goes through struggles .. And the upbeat uplifting songs just feel awesome to sing aloud and it is praise to God and it just brings about a joy in your heart..i got lost in where I was headed with this rant.. I just wonder if I let music make me into who I am throughout the day..

Today I wasnt feeling to good so I stated in bed until
12 then I took a shower and got a rush of ..cockyness idk I guess that's the word to describe it.. I got the urge to walk to 711 so I put in my new shoes to break them in.. I put on my iPod and played my "power mix" which is filled with songs that make me want to dance haha.. I made it the end of the street and my feet started hurting.. It was my shoes .. I endured the feeling which turned to pain by the time I reached the light.. The walk Is 30 minutes from my house but I got to the store and forgot about the pain in my feet..I walked to the chi aisle and looked over all the brands until I found my guilty pleasure .. Hot cheeto puffs .. I picked up a bag and I must have been in my own world because I didn't notice a girl standing next to me so when I turned to grab a soda I practically ran into her .. I first noticed her smile..she has brown long wavy hair and these dark brown eyes she was cute we made eye contact and smiled and I apologized she smiled and said it was ok we then had one of those things where you try to walk but they go the same way left,right,left, right.. We laughed and I let her go .. I chuckled to myself and walked to the beverages and grabbed a coke .. I headed for the cashier and it just so happened so was she I let get go first I noticed she had a bag of hot Chetto puffs I smiled to myself until my ringtone shocked me out of my
moment.. As luck would have it my ringtone was set to this ghetto song about a chewing on bubble gum(if you've seen Paul blart mall cop you know the ringtone he had) I quickly reached for my phone and seen it was my cousin.. I hit reject because I don't think talking would have lessened the embaressment.. I heard her and the cAshier chuckle and I smirked and tried not to turn tomato red .. She got her change and headed out the door .. The cAshier must have noticed me staring because I had not responded to him telling me the price.. I apologized and paid the man.. I left the store thinking about the encounter and kicked myself for not being outgoing enough to ask for a name or even push for a number but this wasn't a movie so I doubt another encounter would happen and I will be leaving so it wouldn't matter... I got home and ate my snacks .. My brother got home and then I got a call to pick up some information about my flight schedule ..by the time I got back my niece and nephew were here we watched tv and it was soon time for church my sister dropped us off and I went to class because everyone seemed to be in class already .. We had a study about the second coming of Jesus which was interesting .. Class ended and I was excited for glee and so was Moises whom has also taken to watching the fox show .. I got home and played with my dogs until it started.. After it was over I showered and started thinking about the laundry I have to do tommorow.. But now it's time for sleep :D

Adoration

2009-11-17T22:31:00.001-08:00

Today I was uber excited because one of my favorite bands released their new album and of course I had already got the pre buy so I Just had to go pick it up.. My day started off well enough.. I got a good nights sleep finally without any middle of the night wake ups.. I got ready and seen my mom doing yardwork I headed to the shower and I started thinking about something that has been on my mind which is who do I really have to tell I am leaving.. If I wanted I could just go and let my family do that hard work.. But I wouldn't want people to feel as if I didn't care about them to atleast say goodbye .. I got dressed and watched tv .. My mom asked if I wanted to go get the cd so I eagerly said yes and we left for the store . It was quick in and out and I held the cd in my hand I laughed to myself because my first thought was that I needed to get home to put the songs on my iPod and then the cd would just become practically useless but the cover art is awesome ..we then headed to target to look for a jacket because apparentyl it's atleast 30 degrees colder in utah! Aah that's gonna suck but it's ok I think humans by nature adapt.. I didn't get a jacket but I got shoes so I put them on because I needed to break them in.. I got home and seen my nephew playing outside.. I guess he was sick so they let him out early he didn't look to sick throwing around a soccer ball I got dissapointed at first until i flashed back to my many "sicknesses" haha.. I headed to the computer and began the copying.. I also got caught up on this web show I like to watch called "the guild" the time flew by and my Bruce and nephew were picked up as usal.. It was Now 6:30 and The rest of my day consisted of listenening to my new cd. .. And as usual casting crowns did not dissapoit.. I was hit with sadness,conviction,encouragment, and then had a couple new favorite songs haha.. I showered and I am feeling a headache coming on.. Hopefully I can stay healhy and dodge the dreaded h1n1.. Goodnight people :D

it's Official

2009-11-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

I really want to keep this updated bacause it's fun to just write out thoughts, emotions and just dumb rants it a release .. Today I got the call informing me that I will be leaving Fresno to Utah .. The long awaited and anticipated call.. I will be leaving the 1st of december I estimated as much.. I am a little apathetic about the whole situation I wouldn't say I'm excited but I wouldn't say I am not but I do get giddy( a rush of excitment and disbelief) the only downside is the packing.. What a hassle.. But I'm ready to go.. I have recently started telling people and my friends mom looked sad when she was told.. It was Moises mom she is practicaly like a mom to me we are always at his house not as much vice versatile but we do come here on occasion.. But I am glad I told them they are like family .. I have a couple more people to tell so blah to that... These past few days have been fun I want to leave here with people remembering me for the happy go lucky, high spirited person. I am.. Not to be extremly pessimistic but the plane could crash.. But I'm not about pessamism(now the autofill doesn't work) but optimism Is my usual route.. I really home this change jumpstarts the motivation and determination and drive to reach for any goals I make ..change is inevitable so when I think of how much people can change in the time I am gone makes me wonder.. Will I come back to the same happy croud or to people that have become strangers over time.. Idk not important.. This post didn't have a point that I can thing of but I am looking toward to updates on here whenever I find a good wifi hot spot :). Oh and is writing a will type thing being pessamistic??

I've had enough of living life for only me

2009-11-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Today brings me One step closer to death..... Haha just kidding although it is technically true today was the bat day if my week bar none.. I woke up with anticipation because today was the day I was going to be a guest speaker at my brothers high school Christian club.. I prepared a little in advance just as to what I would say.. I actually had a rough draft written out and I typed the final today.. It was kinda humorous because I actually timed my speech and was happy that it averaged about 7 minutes .. A good time for a lunchtime meeting .. So I typed my guide up and prayed for God to calm my nerves and before I knew it I was walking up to the school.. In my head I had a mix of praying and singing.. Haha this is random but I recently got that Miley Cyrus song "party inthe USA" when I actualy listened to it I thought "aww she was nervouse about being in a new place and seeing that she sticks out And she gets nervous but she hears a song and it helps her get over it " i found it encouraging until I found out she didn't write it and had actually never heard a jay z song which is is one of the lyrics..I am still semi crushed about it but whatever Hannah bannana!!

Oh back to my day haha.. So I got into the class room I had met up with Elly which was good because she helped me forget my nerves for a while .. My other friends got their and it was time..I got through my "sermon" even though I was literally shaking and it showed in my voice but ad I sat down I got slot of good job whispers ad thumbs up I felt like I did mediocre until this girl came up and introduced herself and said how she was depressed and said how she was encouraged by the chapter I read from .. I have today that made my day I was so happy because i had prayed specifically for that and God worked through me so I left feeling giddy haha so when I seen an old friend I gave her a hug tighter then usual haha.. I then left the school in high spirits I came home and spent my time on my sisters computer and texting .. Watched my Greys anatomy and around 6 I headed to worship practice ad watched elly and zabdi sing.. After that I came home and time flew as I myspaced the day is over and I still am all smiles about God showing me once again "I got this" hahaha

My heart aches

2009-11-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

Ok so I think I mentioned that I was going to be leaving the state to go into this program.. I have yet to tell everyone even though I could be leaving by the end of this month .. I go along .. Smiling and laughing with the people the bring me joy and happiness in my life .. When I think of all the stuff I will be missing.. Birthdays, special occasion.. Growth. I see my neice and nephews and friends and wonder how much they will change in the time I am gone .. I act like I'm do important that people can't live without me.. I really feel that way.. Not like I'm special but how people look up to me.. How kids come to me because they know I will give them attention ..today I have heard my name called out numerous times just to get me to look and wave.. This trip is going to be hard I'm only going for 2 years but I will miss everyone..

Ok so this weekend was a great one .. Saturday my sisters and their kids packed up and headed to pismo beach.. My brother and 2 friends are in band and they had to perform and compete .. We wanted to go watch for the day so my parents left Friday and we went for the day Saturday .. We arrived and it was breezy but the weather was warm so it was nice a good change from the usual ugly overcast and cold that I usually experiance ..we took forever to find a parking since this band thing had schools coming from over 20 schools.. We finally parked and found a place to sit and watch.. Victors school eventually passéd I took pics and it was over so we headed to eat and did some walking .. I seen my brother and friends so I talked with them for a while they were kinda dissapointed that they got 3rd. I left and we went for some frozen yogurt that I have been raving about since I had the first taste .. I got cookies and cream., cheese cake, and pumpkin pie they were all so delicious .. After we walked in some shops and then headed for the beach.. I got knee deep in the water but I didn't have a change of clothes so that was my limit.. I helped my nephew fly his kite.. While we were there I seen what seemed to be a newlywed couple on the beach.. The reason I think so was they had a photographer taking shot of them "frolicking on the sand " haha my favorite was when a huge wave brung the water so close to soaking them but they all ran for it haha.. Soon the sun set and we headed home.. I slept good but was hoping I wasn't to tired for church..

I woke up before my alarm.. But it turns out that I would have anyway because it was set for pm but I showered and got ready once my brother was ready we drove to church .. I went to class and found it rather bland.. I feel bad but my patience with a certain "fellow student" is wearing thin.. From his off topic comments that are humored by the teachers to his rather pathetic and unfunny attempts at jokes.. I don't think I will be attending anymore ... After Sunday school was over I headed to break where I was gretted with Hugs from my used to be students when I was a teacher.. I started talking to people adm then to my suprise my friend Julia was there .. A good suprise none the less since she hasn't been to the church in over a year.. We talked and she went around catching up with all the people she remembered .. It was time for service so we sat through that I was happy during worship because my friend elly was singing .. I sorta helped push her into doing it by saying if you go I'll go.. I didn't go but she didn't get mad she Just wants me to keep my word and go up next time... I want to but even though I tell myself it doesn't matter If people say I can't sing I'm not doing it for them.. But I'm scared they might say that haha.. Idk I'll get over it.. The sermon ended and I made plans to hang out with Moises ..Julia invited herself as usual but her and her husband wanted to go the the swap meet first so I went with them .. The plans fell through and I ended up taking them home.. I came back home and then Moises called and wanted to come .. My parents had barely got back from their camping so they were to tired for company .. So we went to his house where we ended up skipping night church and playing Moises game.. We came home around 9 and I passed time on my iPod.. Now it's time for sleep my favorite thing to do.. Release my subconcious.. Dangerous yet entertaining :D

Fork in the road

2009-11-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

Life can be manipulated by daily choices the simplest of descisions can change the outcome of your day.. Being a believer in God I "learned" he is in control .. But I also know we have freedom of choice .. I see it as he has a plan for everyone but I get stumped when let's say a 15 year old gets pregnant for bad descions but the baby ends up becoming a doctor or the next huge evangelist .. God seen that future way before the 15 year old even Met the guy .. Right?? Idk it'd hard to conceive things like that my example was dramatic but I always feel like "is this the right choice" is it what God wants.. I honestly don't know.. I have come into a huge descion and it is falling into place but I still have doubts .. Actually every other thing I had planned as backups have already fell through so I guess all signs point to yes.. It will be a big change but if I leave it to God it will al work out for the best.. Right??

Today was simple .. I took my 3 dogs for a walk our usual route and atleast this time only one got off it's collar ..it happened twice And we were by the busy street as usual.. It's so annoying cause it happens and they sit there looking at me and I hurry and put it back on before they make a run for it (which has never happened thank God) but I'm usually quick but I wonder what people In the cars waiting at the stop lights think.. I got home and got something for lunch and I noticed my sister wasn't here so I took the opportunity to download the latest music .. I also worked on this video project for a lady at church .. By this time it was 3 and I took a break and ended up watching tv .. I heard the kids so I knew it was around 4:30 I made them a snack and we watched tv as they filled me in on their day at school .. They were soon picked up and I was craving hot chettoes so bad and the walk would be good but time passed and I settled for cookies and milk.. I watched the celebrity updates and then I got a call from Saul he filled me in on all the stuff e was up to and we talked rumors because lately people are scrounging for anything they can talk about and we find it amusing and annoying.. We finished talking and I went to take a shower This Is random but oh how I love the water pressure in our shower .. It's strong enough when the spray hits it sorts massages and when you are washing your hair it actually gets all the soap quickly unlike some peoples shower that practically drizzles and takes forever to wash your hair .. Anyway I'm off to sleep hopefully only pleasent dreams for me as well for my reader it isn't a push not using plural since I don't think anyone reads hahaha. Good night :D

Fame

2009-11-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

Lately I noticed I have been watching those shows that give you all the celebrity updates and latest scandals and it's weird but I keep thinking of how I want to be famous .. Name up in lights, everyone knows your name .. The paparazzi I could live without becUse they would get the worst pics of me haha oh and I'm like addicted to this song by lady gaga(I know right) I mean she is infamous for numerous things hut her music is catchy .. The song it's "Fame" it talks about how she is addicted to fame and how people idolize celebrities ..a lyrics from the song goes "all we care about is runway models cadilacs and liquor bottles" that's what hollywods image basically is the super skinny latest scandels and pricy cars with the run in with rehab every now and then.. I would like to be famous but not for a scandel but for something good .. Like acting or something .. Idk just something that comes to mind when I imagine life that way :D

today started off slow .. I finally got the solution to sync my iPod which was obvious but I'm glad I thought of it eventually I watched my tv shows which take a majority of the day but I have to watch my self because if I do let myself get to caught up my day gets wasted because the shows run a good 12-4 yea.. Around 3 I started getting restless needing to do something but then i got a call from my sister who asked if I could tAke the kids (my niece and nephew) to sanger .. I Said ok and then got some new songs for my iPod while I waited for the kids to get here .. They got here around 5 and I was still trying to get everything synced back onto my iPod so we didn't leave until 5:30 i dropped them off at my aunts and headed back to Fresno .. I enjoy the drive because I am usually blasting the music and singing loudly but stopping when a car gets in viewing range so not to look crazy haha.. But I got home and wanted to take a walk since I was imobobile all day .. I had an idea to wher I was headed when I left after I was by a park close to my house I got a call from Moises we talked about some stuff and I just so happened to be 5 minutes from his house so he suggested I stop by so I did we talked and I scared his younger brother accidentaly because I was talking about the movie "paranormal activity" but he got over it when I handed over my iPod.. We talked more then I left because I still had to walk back.. I got home in good time and tuned into a show I like very much called "Chelsey lately" she is so funny .. But now I'm lying in bed practically dozing off .. I can't wait till next year ..

Eww

2009-11-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while but nothing special hasn't happened besides Halloween haha that's why I just want this blog to be about my weekend

Friday wasn't to special I basically went to an interview I'm excited about but at the time was so nervous and practically prayed all day for my nerves to be calmed .. I got it over with and felt like it went good .. Later on that day I visited a friends church I took my friend zabdi and her brother because they would help me feel more comfortable it was pretty cool a change from the usual.. I actually had my room to myself when I got home becAuse my brother was in Selma on some band thing I actually had the best sleep ever it was great..

Saturday I stayed in bed until 10 and then started getting ready because it just so happened to be Halloween and I had agrees to attention my aunts annual party and of couse costume was nessasary.. I went as a vampire haha it was awesome .. I spent hours trying to put my fangs on since I ruined the adhesive they came with.. I settled with hot glue which molded to my tooth but didn't stick.. 6 o'clock came and I headed off to Sanger the party was good I helped by handing out candy at first ..the party died down around 3 and I was not happy about waking up early to drive back to Fresno for church but I did my best to fall asleep

Sunday I woke up and felt exaugsted but as soon as I heard starbucks I perked up and i headed to the coffee place with my cousins we got there and I was in my own little world enjoying my usual mocha frappacino we walked back and soon after me and my cousin pearl were driving back to Fresno to make it for break cause we missed Sunday school .. We got to church in good time I met up with Moises and we talked ..service was egh but it was over .. I also heard some rumors but they are so obviously made from people having nothing better to do and looking for anything to try and gossip about.. Out of nowhere I had this explosion of hyperness haha I would have said Burst but it was way more then that.. I was acting borderline immature but in the way where I don't say anything serous and just say randomness .. I got looks from alot of peolple it could have been my fangs or it could have been the fact that I was wearing gym shorts over my jeans.. I don't know haha but after talking to people everyone left and Moises invited me to his house to play rockband and we did and ended up watching paranormal activity ... To be honest my heart rate sped up on a few parts but mostly from the hype I heard .. I knew what was coming but didn't know when haha.. After the movie I said goodbye and headed home.. I streched out on my bed and watched tv until I got up to shower .. Now I am lying here awaiting sleep.. I hope I get through the night with no wake ups..

By your side

2009-10-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

A while back I went through this phase known to me as "the dark time" where I could care less about what people though and was on a mission to get back at the people that hurt me.. I made friend that told me "not forgiving a person is like drinking poison .. Your only hurting yourself at first I shrugged it off but it started to wear on me and everywhere I turned there was something with the theme of forgiveness .. Flash foward to the healed wound .. I have finally come to rest.. They hurt me.. Who knows the real motive but I'm leaving it to God .. But now I feel as if I have been outcasted.. I am ignored unless in a situation where I need to be aknowledged.. There are actually only 3 people doing this.. They are all leaders and I know for a fact that one has vowed "well I'm not going to talk to him anymore". No matter how much I try to ignore it I always see them doing there leader responabilities ..two of them teach and one sings and the have important roles in the church.. So this is what gets to me.. They teach and preach forgivness but are willing to ignore and exclude a person.. I don't know ..but with this situation I think back to my "dark place" and how I had the view of ..what if it's not me what If I'm not the one doing wrong..but of course they aren't subject to that consideration .. And now with my view of my pastor being blinded and unwilling to see the signs which are running our church into the ground.. I see all of this and sigh because we are supposed to be the example the city on the hill but we can't even work as one body like the bible says.. God your will be done .. Only you know what Is best and your ways are perfect and your plans for us are unknown but I call for conviction and revival.. Amen. ..

You never really loved....

2009-10-21T23:32:00.001-07:00

I'm semi used to using my iPod to post I will never fully enjoy it since I prefer an actual keyboard and I make tons of spelling errors despite the auto correct.. It crosses my mind sometimes thinking if people still read my blog but I really just consider a place to write out my thoughts

Today I was a change .. I am finally actually able to breath through my nose and although the mucus has taken refuge in my throat and I am constantly clearing it has to mean my healthy days are just around the corner .. This morning I rolled over an then heard "good morning Anthony" I wasn't startled because I knew the voice so I looked toward my brothers bed and it took a second for my eyes to adjust but it was my niece .. She felt sick so she came to stay .. I told her she could help herself to anything and play my iPod because I wanted to sleep atleast another hour she said ok and I fell back asleep.. I got up and she was still lying on my brothers bed playing my iPod so I got up I overheard my mom say that my nephew would also be coming because he got sick and needed to come home .. Soon we were all in my room a sespool of bacteria haha.. We watched movies and my niece slept most the day.. I made them lunch and it was 2 another day spent in bed what a waste..Before I knew it I had to start getting ready for church .. The kids were picked up and I got a call from Saul asking for a ride so I headed to his house and then to the church.. I talked to a couple youth ad then it was time for class.. The lesson was semi interesting and I tried my hardest to keep concentrated but I yawned .. Th study was ok . Soon it was over and I headed out I was ready to go so when the youth got out I kept the conversation short and soon I was dropping my cousin off at her house and on my way home.. I got in and was eager to watch my wednesday show "Glee" it was alright it made my day because people were pratically trying to force me into a bad mood.. .. But right now I find myself restless on my bed .. I mean how do I expect to fall asleep when I did nothing all day.. Usually prayer works so thank you God ..

The sickness is waning..

2009-10-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so I've pretty much been drugged up for the last 3 days I believe I have developed an immunity to the effects of nyquil because it no longer works.. But we are pretty much stocked on drugs.. All prescribed of course .. Anyways my days have consisted of me lying in bed all day and with the inability to drive because of the medication it is all I can do to keep myself from going crazy.. I have even talked to myself for about 5 minutes the conversation. Was about my nose .. Haha and how I have wiped it with all sorts of things .. I have 2 dedicated shirts which I use but from 3 days of sneezing and blowing my nose is really hurt.. I can't even think of the word I wanted to use but yea my nose is super red .. I feel my symptoms going away so I am looking foward to actually being able to have my voice recognized when I answer the phone ..

Swine flu!.. Nah just a standard one ^_^

2009-10-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

So Friday was the big day.. Sarahs quincenera .. The day started with me taking my mom to like 4 stores so by the time we got back I had to start getting ready.. My brother was home and I told him he should take a shower so he did and ended up putting on his tuxedo.. I told him he didn't need to wear it yet. He said it was my fault for not being specific .. I don't know but before I knew it we were heading to sarahs sisters.. We arrived expecting to be late.. We weren't we were actually were the first .. We waitied and folded these papers and by that time everyone had arrived the limo came and we headed to the hall .. We took pics and were nervous about the dance but we got through it flawlessly .. Then it was time to dance I have to admit I like to dance but it was a little uncomfortable but with a little(alot) of coaxing me and victor eneded up on the dance floor .. Haha .. The night flew by and the night ended I slept good only to awake with a sore throat I thought it was from trying to talk over the music the night before but the nasty mucus made me think otherwise.. I noticed my nose was running but didn't dare admit or even let the thought enter my head that I was sick.. I showered and got ready to leave for sports camp and I felt better .. I rode a horse haha.. But we had some drama at sports camp so I was glad when it ended .. Moi asked if I wanted to go to a friends party with him and Vic because it would be easy cause I would be there rides .. I agreed but was reluctant because I didn't know anyone but I endured that the night before and I like to keep to myself.. It was fun but my runny nose came back with a vengence .. The house was stuffy and I am sire I had a fever but I hoped to sweat it out .. I was also texting my friend zabdi who was at the fair with her mom and little brothers.. They said they were leaving and would be walking so I offered them a ride ..at this time I didn't feel lke being at the party becUse j was so stuffed up.. So I headed off to pick them up.. I wad then told by my brother that I could Leave because they had a ride .. I was mildly happy so I left.. I was treated to a icee which just tasted like air.. But it was ok.. Then I got a call from my mom saying that I needed to pick up victor .. I did and ended up takin Moises home.. .. Now I'm home and lying on my bed.. I am happy becAuse although I am sick I had planned on resting from this hectic week anyway .. Woo now it's time to slow down :D

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

2009-10-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

I havent been posting lately because this week is so rushed.. driving is actually tireing and you can never get used to crazy drivers.. but its been a good week..

Tuesday: spent most of the day planning and scheduling.. the weather was crazy.. the rain was refreshing but I had to drive.. around 3 me and saul went to volunteer at a afterschool program and around 5 i headed home to get ready to go to the first Quice practice .. I picked up my brother from school and we were driving blind for a while because i wasnt aware of the studios location.. we ended up by riverpark and is was by fresno city .. it was really pouring around this time and i was warily driving on the freeway.. thank God we found the place safely.. we were actually 4 minutes early..that was defiantly God.. haha... we entered and right away the instructor struck me as serious and strict and then the way she treated people it was true.. i tried to keep my composure feeling bad for whoever she caught doing something she didnt approve of.. we got through a couple times and then to our luck.. the power went out.. it sucked but the instructor said to head to her home.. and there she seemed to lighten up at her house we got through the steps and it was agreed that we would have another practice because 1 didnt seem nearly enough to get it..

Wednesday: today was seemed more relaxed I did my chores and before I knew it I was taking my godmother to get her medicine.. I hurried home because I had to pick up my brother because we had a long practice ahead of us it was much easier since I knew where I was headed we stopped for lunch and headed to sarahs sisters house.. we were there early so we tried talking but it was often full of awkward moments.. all those babies.. hahaha.. we practiced and it went good maybe because of the repetition.. soon it was time to head to the instructors house .. we practiced and it went well I came home and felt a little sore in my right leg so after I showered I put some chinese ointment.. I actually was able to fall asleep without any "help" haha.. but i did say i would stop relying on the nyquil.. haha..

Thursday: Today I woke up still tired.. as i was lying in my bed I realized it was thursday and that meant christian club at sunnyside.. I like to go for support and see the youth getting involved and making it known that they are christian.. I got dressed and headed to the school.. I didnt wait for zabdi to meet me so I walked alone to the room where the club is held.. I seen elianeth and eze so I sat by them.. I didnt greet the President of the club like I wanted to.. I had questions for him and let him know where I was from and that I liked the idea of the club .. but I just said hi.. haha.. the "study" went by quick and then it was over.. so I just hung out and talked to the youth from my church.. lunch was over and moises asked for a ride since he didnt have any more classes for the day.. we headed to my house until victor got out.. I dropped him off and me and victor headed for yet another practice.. I feel like we have the dance down..I am staying sure that we wont mess up.. ha.. everyone gots it and tomorrows the big day..

Love me hate me

2009-10-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe: Circus -Britney Spears

ok I beleive the last time I posted was Friday .. It's been a long weekend and no acess to a computer is starting to wear on me.. The iPod pltext prediction sucks I put "watch" and "whatchamacallit" came up haha ..ok so here's the last 2 days in a summary. Saturday:went to sports camp, hung with moises and saul, went to mois house, came home did yardwork. Sunday: I drank a starbucks to be peppy and it worked but I was drafted into the preschool watching 3&4 year olds..I misse service for that and was kinda dissapointed about that.. After church came home tried to sleep ended up talking in the phone and soon it was time for the church Meeting.. Went to that .. Had bight church Which was Boring to say the least.. It should cease in 2 more Sundays ..after that I came home and did the usual..

Today was unproductive I wanted to do something but I talked in the phone and the time flew I was thinking about what I have to do this week to be at my best for an event I will be in..but around 2 I knew my niece and nephew were going to be walking through the door in a matter of minutes so I knew my day was wasted.. They came and we watched a rather old movie but kne that I liked .. I the. Got a call from Moises asking for a ride I said I would be there I threw on a hat to save time from doing my hair didn't bother putting on shoes since I prefer driving barefoot then with sandals it wasn't until I had to get out of the car to open the trunk for him .. I noticed I looked all rugged and dirty mainly because my shorts were rather dirty probably when I went to see my dogs.. It also didn't help that I didn't have any shoes haha.. We laughed and he picked up something to eat and I dropped him off .. I came back home .. Texted and watched tv.. The kids got picked up and I started to clean the disaster area that was our room.. Watched heroes and took a shower .. Now I'm here relaxing and listening to music .. Feels good to post.. Sorry about the recent rants :D

2009-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

A question that has been plaguing me recently is an odd one... It's "why do people like me" I have heard alit of times "it won't be as fun if your not there" and I wonder why.. And also I attract a group of youth but don't know why they are interested.. Maybe they just need an ear but I wonder if people are drawn to me.. not in the liking way but they need a dose of anthony haha .. I sound so conceited but I think nothing of the sort I just wonder why I dont feel special I have a particular example I had a friend who was a guy we became good friends hung out a lot and attended the same church but he always wanted me by him and even complained that I didn't give him enough attention I said sorry and tried to give him more I hope this doesn't come off weird he is fully straight but I was just his security blanket I guess haha.. This particular event has happend 3 times twice with girls and once with a guy .. Idont know where I'm going with this but I am just asking why.. I just want to also say that I never turn down a person who needs to talk.. I look for the est in people and have massive patience although certain people can blow through that in a second ..I closing(haha) I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate my friends or sound like in full of myself i am just seeing a quality God gave me and am hoping I am using it the way God wants..That's it my head hurts .. Post tommorow :D

2009-10-08T23:39:00.000-07:00

If you asked me to leap out of my boat on the crashing waves
And if you asked me to go preach to a lost world of Jesus save
I`ll go but I cannot go alone cause I know I`m nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

Cause when I`m weak He makes me strong
When I`m blind He shines His light on me
Cause I`ll never get by livin on my own abilities - Casting Crowns

Do you ever wonder if people resent you because of your gifts? I ask because I used to be close to a certain person.. We had a falling out and all was forgiven or so I thought .. If a person acts as if your not present unless they ae forced to doesn't that exude a type of resentment or something.. I see this persons pretty often and it's the same I avoid him and he avoids me Its obvious this person has something against me but when I say that he resents my gifts it's because the light that draws people to me I know this person gets annoyed when I show up because I distract his people .. I don't want to say to much because I don't want drama.. It's just been on my mind and I find it ridiculous

Today I felt a strong sense of nervousness it was ridiculous ok so I woke up and realized it was Thursday and I wanted to atsunday Sunnyside highs Christian club I checked the time and I had 3 hours to get ready so I did then I started over thinking .. I started imagining scenarios like "what if they call to speak" or "what if the ask me to lead a study" I was nervous but I knew I would wan to talk about evangelism because I have been looking into this certain style called "way of the master" so I got prepared got my verses and soon it was time to go .. I started gettig stomach quivers as I headed out the door so I recited 2 Tim. An headed off I got there said another prayer(I was really nervous but didn't know why so I arrived and headed into the office I managed to ask the secretay for a visitors pass without shaking but as for signing in.. My hand was literally shaking!! I got a grip and headed to the out the office door as I looked around I felt a flash back .. Everything was the same the sea of students, where the groups sat I forgot to breathe until I was shocked back to reality by a group of guys staring.. I probably stood out .. I grabed my phone and texted zabdi because she was going to be my guide then I also isedto oppurtunity to text my old friend and tell her I was here I got her text back first she responds with "what where!!" so I told her and then I went looking for zabdi I seen her and jr so I waved and we met and then she said to follow her the route we took couldn't have been better because I heard "Anthony!!" and I turned to see my friend yarely whom I haven't seen in like 4 years.. Maybe 3 haha but I told zabdi I would be right there as I turned to go catch up k was greeted by one of those hugs where a girl throws her hands around your neck and hangs. I was tempted to spin like in the movies haha but I resisted and hugged back we caught up remeniced about old times and she laughed when she asked why I had a bible in my pocket I explained and we parted because I was already a little late for the club luckily I had Candis texts so I headed to where I thhought the class was .. Having attended sunnside 2 years I was familiar with the halls but I came to licked. Doors so I headed to another entrance it had to be God because I then ran into edwuardo a boy from church I was suprised to see him he was alone so I talked to him he asked if he could walk with me I hapilly agreed and we both headed to find the room .. We found it without any problems he was reluctant to go in but gave in with little struggle we got stares so we found our seats quickly I zoned in and knew what the teacher was talking about it was about Daniel and his friends shadrach meshach and abednego j was familiar with this story but I noticed the student teacher was nervous it was even more obvious when he started saying "thermos" instead of furnace I seen the youth from church there and laughed at myself because none of my Scenarios happened not even close ..i noticed Gilbert the youth minister was there.. With his son.. I was like wtheck.. Not because it was him but because he brought his son.. It was weird to me but after the meeting ended I greeted my people but got to caught up and didn't get to introduce myself to the club president.. There was some time left and my friend Jose asked if I wanted to meet his friend Brisa I Sadi of course because she is a friend of his who added me ad we have talked on occasio but never met so I took the oppurtunity we walked and talked but he couldn't find her ..lunch was over so I said bye to Jose and he hurried to his next class as I headed for the office I found the experiance great because I had no where near as much confidence walking in the halls of my old school as when I attended there .. I headed home and looked for something to eat for my lunch .. I settled for corn dogs I got caught up in a show and before I knew it my niece and nephew were here.. From there it was te same..Around 5 I was asked to go pick up a soda from the corner store for dinner I asked my niece if she wanted to come and she said yes so we left for 711 she was talking about boys from her school and how they annoy and bother her and her friends .. I snikered because of the obvious "boy teases girl he likes" so typical of elementary school we got to the store and got the soda a women that came out and was parked next to me kept staring I waited to see if she was going to back up but she didn't I looked and she was still staring probably thinking the same.. So I backed out first haha then I came to the curb and there was a car on the street in front so I could see the passenger and backseat people .. There was a lady in the front and a girl in the back.. The windows were down and they were both staring I laughed because my niece noticed as well it was uncomfortable but alas the light turned green ad they went .. A car let me cut in so I go onto the street and drove home ... I had dinner and helped with puttig in a roof of a shed my step dad put together .. I then had to babysit so I put on Hercules after tag I watchd monsters verses aliens . I was suprised to hear they mention Fresno in the movie haha the movie was actually pretty funny .. My sister came home so I took my nightly shower and now I'm lying in bed hoping I get a good night sleep With no wake ups which have been happening lately .. Night :D and if you are reading or have read any of these .. Your awesome and thanks haha :D

Addiction

2009-10-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

Ok I have known myself to do this. I play a new found favorite song until I get tired of it .. As of now it is "somebody to love" the Glee remake .. I love the Glee versions like take a bow and bust your windows those girls are talented .. So yesterday I was found meself watching "Hamlet 2" that movie had me laughing is so dumb.. There are doing a skit I don't know the premise or what or if there is a hamlet 2 but Jesus was in it .. It was a musical type thing and the lyrics were catchy .. I laughed hardest when the girls over enthusiastically screamed "o my God it's Jesus!!!" when he was coming down and walking on water.. Lately me and my brother have been butting heads .. He has developed this attitude that can put me from calm to punch someone in the face mode in a matter of seconds .. I know I am the older brother and should set the example but does that mean I have to be freaking perfect.. I mean he models his hair like me.. Got vans, an iPod touch, I know those seem little but they annoy the crap out of me.. He is very impressionable ..by 4 people in particular .. They say a new band and the next day my brother has all the songs from the band.. I mean there could be a chance he did hear the song and took a liking but I see it also with his actions as if to prove himself to be "funny". To live up to the name "crazy locs" .. I this it's dumb how I talked about him this whole time but this is weighing so hard on my mind and heart.. It's like aaah I need space .. Anyway I noticed the call of the world is back.. I will leave all this to God ..

Take a bow

2009-10-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting - Psalm 139: 23-24

that is taken from an awesome psalm in the bible .. The whole verse is David talking to God telling how God knows him in everyway the verse finishes with the one I put up there .. I have been reading that book I mentioned and it was talking about temptation and how God doesn't tempt us nor the devil or anyone else.. The temptation comes from within it comes from our desires I like how the book clarifies that if a thought enters our head and it isn't a good one it is up to us to play around with the though letting it grow inevetably acting on the temptaion.. The book uses a hotel analogy.. "we can't keep people out of the lobby but we can keep them from getting a room". Have you ever heard the expression "well I can't help it God made me this way" the book calls it "the blame game" they put the blame on God so that the may have an escuse to sin..

Today was good I woke up to my mom and step-dad leaving for LA because for some reason my mom had to get diagnosed by a specialist but they sent her to one in LA .. Stupid right.. But they left and I took a shower.. I descided that today was the day to do my mission project.. Reluctant to leave at first I prayed and read 2 Timothy 1:7 then headed to the church.. I got some church flyers and headed into the neighborhood..I ran into 1 woman but she was Spanish speaking so I just gaver her a church flyer.. I felt unprepared so I headed back to my car and drove home.. I saw Christina and knew that I shouldn't have left because if I did the whole complex like I wanted I would have got a chance to talk to her because I heard her grandmoter recenty passing hit her hard.. But I headed home .. Once here I put on tv and dove into the humongous pile of clothes ad folding and hanging them.. Then my niece and nephew came ..i helped with hw and wanted to get an diagnosis for my computer.. I went to one place but they weren't open despite the "come in we're open" sign in the window.. I googled a place in the area and headed there .. It led me downtown.. That's when the trouble started.. First I passed my street so I went to do a uturn and then seen that I was on a one way street!! I was honked at by the only car by me thankfully realized my mistake and turned around again .. Came to another one way and followed it but didn't notice a redlight until I seen cars coming out I wasn't close enough to hit anything but I hit the brakes..the tires went squeeling and I skidded a considerable ways and was barely in the crosswalk.. It was so embarresing .. I kept hitting myself for being so dumb and eneded up not finding the place.. I gave up and headed home.. Soon after my niece and nephew were picked up I was alone watching tv until my sister came home.. I noticed my brother wasn't home and figured he had band practice .. I expected the usual call to go pick them up but he walked in around 8:40 I was upset cause for one he didn't call and two I him not calling to say he ddnt need a ride made me wait up and I could have took the dogs for a walk.. But he is inconsiderate like that.. We then argued about little stuff I guess he was in one of his moods.. Then Moises called ad we talked a while .. After we hung up I headed to the shower when I got out I groaned at the thought of posting from my iPod .. But here I am again.. Lying in bed tapping away on my iPod :D

2009-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Look here he comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know he
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
Everybodies Fool -Evanescence (put he in place of she)

here I am again on lying on my bed struggling to type out a post on my iPod theres a huge stack of clothes I didn't fold to my right and my I can see my brother in my peripheral vision to my left he is waving his iPod for Some reason..as I lie here I can't help but think of what tommorow will bring.. Lately Its been on my mind to go into the neighborhood around the church and let people know what our church has like the food bank or weekend sports camp.. I have slot of reasons not to go like "what if I run into a Spanish speaking person" that would be hard because I don't speak spanish ..I also think of what If the opputunity to share the gospel comes up what would I say.. I was supposed to go today but I didn't but on Sunday I found a verse in the bible that says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 1 Timothy 1:7 " I always get nervous when I think of telling people that they are going to hell not directly but it's what the bible says unbeleivers have in store .. What I need to think more of is how God is more interested in saving them...

So today was simple.. I got like no sleep last night .. I woke up 4 times web though I had resorted to nyquil .. I was awaken by my mom saying I needed to get up and do chores and then go get a haircut.. I was dead tired so I didn't get up until the second time she called ..I went out in pjs and did my chore then I showered.. I figured I didn't need a haircut but I went and got the back and sides cleaned up .. It cAme out good.. Even with my traumatic experiance of going bald haha.. After that my room needed a serious cleaning so I started on that .. I was watching a vh1 special about the richest heirs and heiresses .. Omgosh they are unbelievably rich.. Luckies.. Haha i got done in good time and rested then i heard my niece and nephew arrive they came in and we watched tv and I helped with homework.. Time passéd they left and we had dinner .. I watched tv and looked forward to heroes.. I tried to watch but it doesn't catch me like it used to.. I showered and now I'm in bed realizing it's barely 10:31 i am hoping tommorow is more productive and exciting .. Ugh it was a Monday enough said right ... :D

Unbreakable

2009-10-04T22:53:00.001-07:00

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me -Unbreakable: Fireflight

Have you ever heard the saying "Use it or lose it" ... teachers usually use that expression talking about brain use.. but I like to use it as your God given talents.. a friend of mine asked me what I think her talent is.. I told her she is a good singer although I havent really heard her sing.. just in the car and random times.. but she feels like she isnt talented enough in that area so I also mentioned teaching.. thats a old one.. everyone mentions teaching.. but just now it was revealed that she is a great coordinator.. she is always asked to put together get togehers.. and although its stessful she pulls through.. I havent told her that.. but how do you implement that into Gods plan for your life.. I dont know .. So I told her to pray and ask for God to help her discern her thoughts and his plans..
Honestly I dont even know what my talents are.. people say im crazy because its obvious.. but I really have no burning desire.. ok so I love working with kids, I love helping people, teaching is ok, and helping the youth was my best time.. even though I was in it just for fun at the time.. but now I am looking for where God needs me.. the point of this is.. If you know your talent.. use it for God and he will use you in a big way.. and if you dont know your talent.. Pray.. read the bible.. and ask your friends what are your strengths.. there are so many ministry options.. I want to meet a future missionary and see the fire they have because it must be powerful for them to want to GO like the bible says out of their comfort zone and reach out to the hurting.. "There goes another minute. Gone forever. Go share your faith while you still have time". (taken from "the way of the master" minute.)

Today I woke up late for church.. I woke up with 30 minutes to get shower, dress, and drive to church... when I got up my family was already gone so I just hopped in the shower.. time flew by and I knew I was going to be late.. I got to church around 9:40 and expected to walk into class in the middle of a lesson and I would be confused.. but thankfully I didnt.. Christina the young adult teacher had a grandma that recently died.. and she is taking it hard.. so her husband took the class today.. they were 2 students so I took my seat and told that they were going around telling about our challenges we had during the week.. I opened up about how the call of the world is screaming at me.. I see alcohol and my curiosity wants to take over.. and the "night life" seems euphoric but I know its all smoke and mirrors to something dark and ugly.. I didnt elaborate much but I said enough.. the youth pastors wife joined us and we had didnt have much of a class .. it was more of a chat session.. soon after class ended I ran into everyone.. I found myself backed into a wall haha it usually gets like that.. I talked to everyone I could and had a side chat with moises about his predicament.. .. then it was time for service.. I sat alone again.. well I was joined by moises little brother as usual.. I dont mind because he doesnt distract me so its cool I was in and out of the sermon one saying pastor used stuck with me.. he was referring to marriage and how so many are failing and said this "was it Love, of uneducated enthusiasm".. it made me thing because many people do say that after the wedding.. the euphoria dies soon after.. but when its true Love bound by God there is a constant euphoria .. although troubles do arise.. with God in the center they can be overcome. After service we had the lords supper and a baptism.. then it was over.. I headed out with my friends and after a while slipped away because I was supposed to meet my family at taco bell.. they called and said they would bring it home instead so to go straight home.. While eating we watched a tv series called "Way of the Master" its a neat show because they interview people on the streets asking questions like "is there a hell" and "who goes there" and "you being a sinner what does that mean".. usually the answers are the people admitting they are sinners and realize by Gods standards they are going to hell.. they have a cool method of sharing the gospel .. this is the website if you want to check it out "Wayofthemaster.com" after 2 episodes I was tired so I headed into my room to watch alice in wonderland.. I found it boring and fell asleep.. haha.. I woke up in time to get to 711 and get an iced coffee and head to church with good time.. I met up with saul and we talked for a while before everyone showed up.. then cesar came up and someone told him he should teach a youth class for night church.. reluctant at first because it was already descided that youth were to be in service .. but then he agreed and we headed upstairs.. he allowed me to go so there were 9 of us .. he didnt have anything planned so he talked about what ways we could declare our faith throughout our daily lives.. It was really good I had some input.. towards the end sauls mom entered and said some stuff in spanish.. and me being a mexicant wansnt able to understand.. but I knew she was upset because we had a class and she told saul to come downstairs.. .. after that cesar wrapped up and we all headed downstairs in time for the last 5 minutes of night service and prayer.. after it was more talking and I headed home... I watched some of the movie titanic then i took a shower and I am sitting here on my sisters computer cause she is still out.. but im not complaining.. :D

I dont care what you think, as long as its about me

2009-10-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

When I saw a flash of light and I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember
ever feeling my heartbeat - The day you found me: Big daddy weave
(the story in the bible when Saul became Paul)

Well I still have access to a computer but its my sisters so im not able to get on as much since its in her room and she lives in here.. but Im still working on mine.. So recently I noticed I have been hanging around a certain youth alot.. His name it Saul.. When I first met him I got the impression of trouble maker.. it didnt change but at one point I asked God to use me to get through to him.. I dont know how or in what way but just to use me.. we have hung out and went to some other youths games.. hes a funny person to be around but now that I know him more he isnt a trouble maker he will always be the class clown but that kid is talented especially on drums.. and even more so on Rockband.. haha.. I dont know if ive been any influence on this person but I hope it was in a Good way...

Today was fun I didnt go to sports camp because I was tired from the night before and I felt bad because I promised to be there for to people.. I will have to apologize tomorrow.. I then for a call from Saul. he asked if I could give him a ride home because sports camp was over I said ok but still had to get dressed because I was in my pjs.. I didnt tell him that part I just said I would be there in 5 minutes..lol it actually took about 20.. but I got to moises house where they were playing rockband .. it was just Saul, moises little brother Benji and this guys known as ellys stalker... haha.. we ended up staying and playing until I asked if they wanted to go see Moises, Elly and my brother at a car wash fundraiser they were having.. .. we head over and talked for a while.. we all headed back to moises for more rockband.. wow... ikr... we stayed till and then me and my brother headed home but I wanted to stop in for my Godmothers birthday party.. we did and said hi stayed for a while but it got cold so we headed home and watched Gi Joe.. .. that movie is to corny for my taste.. some of the graphic and lines... egh.. but now im showered and happy to have my fingers hitting keys instead of lying on my bed using my Ipod.. haha.. Good night.. church tommorow.. God is Awesome .. duh.. haha :D

Aaaah!!!!

2009-10-02T23:36:00.001-07:00

*breathes* Right now I am aching with anger i'm squirming in my bed restraining myself from beating the crap out of my idiotic brother ...there is always fighting and rivalry betwen but when they don't take your freaking advice because they are retarted and the thing you warned them about happens .. What do you do... So Like half an hour ago I get up to take a shower because my brother was going to bed and he always complains about the tv so I got my clothes I noticed the computer was off As my custom I always get online after I shower so I went to turn it on.. Then it happend .. I pressed the power it went on for a second and shut off in that second my blood ran cold .. I shrugged and thought maybe I didn't press it hard enough so I go to press it again.. Same thing happens ..I go ask my brother what he happened and he got into his "wha I don't know what's going on" mode.. I know he always does that when he did something and the lying usually follows .. He said he was on myspace .. I said and.. I turned it off .. I cringed and asked him how and he pointed to the surge protector..I got sooo mad I have told him over and over not to turn it off from there.. 3 times today in fact but here he is still being stupid as a rock .. I didn't know wha to do so I ran to shower because the sight of his face was angering me more and more.. As I was showeing I was thinking of all the files I could have lost .. I am still Trying to be optimistic and thinking it will be better tommorow..for now I am posting this from my iPod

Aside from all that drama today was pretty good .I woke up and helped my mom load some tables into the truck then I got a call from my godmother(we used to be catholic she baptized me but even though I'm christian she still has her title haha) she called and asked if I wanted to go out to eat I said ok and headed to get her .. We got our food to go because we both had things to do I made it home and stayed on the computer for a while then I got a call from the people that are going to be sending me to Utah maybe haha but they said they had some paperwork for me so I said I would be there I got off the phone and realized I had to fill out this paper that asked for my 2 educational choices and I then had to get info on them.. I was getiting stressed and then my niece calls and said if I could pick up my nephew because she was going to stay for a volleyball game j said ok and rushed to get cleaned up and j rushed to pick him up I dropped him off at my house and then waded to the center .. I got their in good time and got the paperwork done so it may be 2 more weeks .. I got home and was looking foward to resting until I walked into my room and the most horrendous stench was resonating in my room I gagged and backed out I can't even explain this smell .. I turned on the fan and sprayed some axe body spray I then ram out .. I came back and the smell was still there I used some other body spray slot of it .. And left for a while longer I came back and the smell finally was subsiding I laid on my bed and watched tv until Moises called and we talked after a while I wanted to ask to go over but I had my brother ask .moi said yes so we headed over and played beetles rockband and rockband 2 before we were leaving we hung out side with elianeth and benji and stalker haha we laughed and played around we then headed home now we come to this .. The event I am hoping will resolve itself .. Poor computer .. We have been through so much haha. .... :D

A mouse!!!

2009-10-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ok so my mom and step-dad went to the fair and got back a while ago.. as they were getting ready to go to bed I heard my step-dad say "I know he's not going to stay on that computer all hours of the night".. this was me >_> .. not a second later my mom comes up and says "what am I doing" but not really asking more like why am I on .. personally I love to be on at night.. my mind wakes up and I have a brain surge where thoughts and stuff are running through my head.. which makes it hard to sleep.. but anyway I didnt respond because I was getting angry.. so she leaves to her room.. then my step-dad passes and says "dont leave your shoes in the living room".. a big majority of the way he talks to me is in orders.. and that pisses me off.. so I had to bite my tounge before I said something I would regret... I still felt mad so I descided to read my bible.. in the back it has a section that says "what to read when you feel (or have been)" ... it has alot of topic but I chose..Angry, Quarreling,bitter, and apathy.. they give you verses to read so but I only got through anger and Quarreling.. then it happened.. I heard a rustling sound coming from my room and in that instant I knew the mouse that had intruded was caught in the sticky trap we set.. I went to see and was surprised to see a little brown mouse.. having mice as pets before I began to have sympathy on this one.. its legs were stuck to the trap I picked the trap up being careful not to get bit and get rabies.. I ended up getting it unstuck and now it is in a fish tank in front of me.. its cute until it jumps trying to make its escape.. but he is trapped for now...

So today was similar to yesterday but I woke up earlier than usual.. I woke up to an empty house and noticed the nice weather.. I didnt know what to do so I went online.. I checked my email and social networking sites.. and twitter. I found this article called the 46 Stages of Twitterhttp://www.shanenickerson.com/nickerblog/2009/06/the-46-stages-of-twitter.html..I found it humorous because its true.. after that I went through my closet.. its been cold lately to I need to pull out the sweaters.. I love the feeling of a hoody... so comfy.. I felt icky because I hadnt taken my shower so I got my clothes and showered .. as I came out I heard my niece and nephew.. boy does time fly.. my mom asked if I could go pick up some pizza.. great there goes my eating healthy.. haha. I agreed but before I left I got a call from Moises.. him and my brother needed a ride I said i would be there and headed off... I picked them up. got the pizzas and we headed to my house.. we ate and looked up videos.. I watched last nights episode of Glee since I missed it.. it was alright.. I asked moises if he was ready to go home and he said yes so I took him home.. we seen his sister so I stayed and chatted a bit .. after I headed home.. ready to relax.. I downloaded the movie Hercules my all time favorite disney movie.. I still dont know if its sad that I know the lyrics to all the songs in that movie.. haha.. I passed time playing on my ipod and then was asked to watch my nephew that lives with is while his mom went to her boyfriends softball game.. I said yes and westarted watching hercules.. he has seen it before so he was tryng to sing along but I then began to wonder If the new generation would get the experience of disney movies I had..these days they have pixar and dreamworks.. but those cant top the oldies.. like lion king and Aladdin .. the movie ended and his mom was back .. so I came back to the computer and did some more surfing.. ..im now here at the end of my blog post with the same thing I say every time.. "sitting hear showered and ready for sleep".. my nightly routine stays the same...

Even heroes need a parachute

2009-09-30T23:03:00.000-07:00

Paul: "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

I have to say... googling that verse brought me to a pretty cool blog.. (http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com)
I was searching for the verse because I have been reading this book called "Moral Earth Quakes and Secret Faults" In this book is uses fault lines and disasterous earth quakes and compares it to how people think that their "little sin" can go unnoticed or how they can keep sinning as long and the are careful.. but as the book says.. the small faults over time can cause catastrophic damage ..in this case to your life this verse stood out to me because here is paul.. an apostle struggling with something he knows he cant overcome ..I know I personally have a thorn.. I feel I can usually pretend its not there until it starts to press and make itself known.. not in a paining way but it has that aspect of the piercing calling it has..just when I think I have it under control the thorn comes back it seems harder to ignore.. .. but like the end of the verse says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"... thats God talking to paul... let me go through this.. ok we know the definition of grace is "given something we dont deserve" so God says the strength I give you is sufficient to over come the trial.. then God says.. my power is made perfect in weakeness.. I take that as.. we are nothing without God..in everything let God lead and it will come through... according to Gods will of course.. sometimes the thorn wont be removed until we get to heaven..but God will be there every step of the way.. (this is mainly a reminder to myself)

Today was .... boring.. haha.. I woke up but did nothing.. my phone kept getting texts and that didnt allow me to fall back asleep so I started watching tv.. I didnt pay attention to what I was watching until I seen an actress I recognized.. it was a girl from one of my favorite movies "superstar".. .. oh the movie was "Nancy Drew".. haha i know right .. I finally decided I was done being lazy so I got up to shower .. I then searched everywhere for my earphones until it dawned on me that my bother took them by stupid mistake even though his are new and mine practically cut the lobe of your ear.. I ate lunch and ran some errands.. I was in like at the post office when i noticed the time.. it was 1:50 .. I remembered that my niece had detention and I needed to pick my nephew up .. I hurried home and headed off to get him.. the office attendants made me feel bad that I didnt know my niece and nephews teachers or room numbers.. but they pointed out my nephews teacher among the sea of children and teachers.. as I was walking I seen my nephew I stood there watching to see if he would notice me.. I heard a teacher and realized I probably looked like some pedophile.. he finally saw me and responded with his usual "what the heck".(he gets that from me).. haha... I said hi to his teacher and introduced myself .. me and my nephew headed back to my house.. he filled me in on his day and then asked to play a game on my Ipod.. time passed and I got a call from my cousin .. he wanted to know if he could ride with is to church .. I was happy he was interested and said of course.. he got here with my aunt and she was the kids ride back to sanger.. so they left .. me and my cousin caught up and left to church early we met up with moises who I still dont know why he was there early.. but we sat and talked.. then we were laughing about this lady that came up to us and felt our hair and told us we were handsome.. it was funny.. before I knew it.. it was time for class.. we all went our separate ways ... as I sat in my class I tried to be more attentive.. unfortunately we arent on a super interesting topic so I kept zoning out .. class was over and that mean the usual chatting outside so I headed out .. our class was out earliest as usual.. but after a few minutes the patio area was loud and people everywhere.. I talked to who I could and then hurried home.. I then watched tv and started thinking about how close the Quincenera is and what I needed to do by then.. as I headed to take my nightly shower I mapped out my plans in my head and made a goal..now its time for sleep.. Good Dreams to everyone... Good night :D

Show me what Im looking for

2009-09-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
David Crowder : How He Loves Lyrics

ah that song speaks to me in so many ways... I mean come on think about it.. "He(God) is jealous for me" .. ME! a sinner.. born to sin by nature.. but God is there with open arms all the time every single day and the times I just walk away from him he will still be there I cant fathom how much he Loves us ...its overwhelming .. the jealous part is in the bible by the way.. and I think about how God would be jealous .. He wants us .. all of us.. not just what we give him on sundays.. he doesnt need us.. he wants us... everyday, every hour, every minute... To give us life to the fullest.. sometimes it seems to simple how he forgives us..but it is that simple.. Thank you God For loving me.. oh and make that personal .. he loves us all just the same I believe he shows it to each of us in our own special ways.. if that makes sense ..for me when I feel really bad about what I did or something that happened I call out to God to surround me and it never fails that a rush of what feels like a huge hug just envelops all around me and into my heart.. *sigh* ..

Well today wasnt special.. I didnt write yesterday because my cousin sammy came to spend the night.. he had this new online game he was dying to show me yesterday I woke up and was unusually groggy I didnt feel up to anything although I wanted to go see if sunnyside would allow me onto the campus during lunch but I procrastinated and the oppurtunity was lost.. my sister called and asked if I could take the kids to sanger because she was going to get out late.. I agreed and got ready .. the kids got here and we headed to sanger.. it was fun I like it over there I ended up getting a call from my cousin sammy he asked if it was ok if he could spend the night.i said it was but he insisted on asking my parents.. I called back a couple minutes later and asked what happened and he said they said yea and he in fact standing in my kitchen haha.. so i hurried back to fresno .. I walked in and noticed that my step dad was telling my cousin about Jesus... my cousin isnt a christian he is more philosophical and sees religion just as a good moral basis.. I honestly feel I destroyed my testimony with him because we know each other so well.. he was stuck talking for almost an hour and I was waiting in my room.. I told him if he wanted to show me the game and he lit up and was ecstatic about his new time consumer.. haha it was alright.. but I am still wanting to play WOW another online game.. but he is funny because he is so health conscious about what he eats and he says my house has to much temptation and the night mostly consisted of him saying he regretted what he just ate.. we went to sleep and he had to go to school so I drove him to his school... its so awesome cause he goes to Fresno State... I headed home and contemplated what to do.. I cleaned and watched tv.. did some online applications and by that time my niece and nephew were here .. they stayed till 6 as usual and I was unusually tired.. so I fell asleep.. I awoke from my nap and decided I should go get some groceries so I headed out .. I did a quick run through the store... nothing exciting happened.. I came home and took a shower as my normal nighttime routine..time for sleep :D oh and I didnt take a picture today.. sorry.. haha

Im safe up high nothing can stop me

2009-09-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You
Revelation song - Phillips, Craig and Dean

Today! wow today was awesome to say the least.. So I was wavering on wether or not to attend church but I got up and said ok God im going for you no one else so give me guidance.. wow! ... ok so as I drove up to church I still deciding whether or not to hide during break(I don't know how this helps in anyway).. but as I began to walk to class I seen everyone still outside.. so I didn't want to be rude so I stopped to chat.. I ended up walking to class.. So today Julie taught the young adults.. It was awesome.. I mean I like Christinas teaching but Julie had the words I needed to hear
our study was on purity.. these 1 verses Stuck out to me the most is "James 1:26 - If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on hos tongue, He deceives himself and his religion is worthless.. at first when I read it I connected it to my step dad because he always has something to say and its usually bad... for example one time we ate all the drumsticks(ice cream) and when he went to get one he went off it usually consists of "what no more Drumsticks, you know you guys are selfish and only think about yourselves and don't care about others.."... and on and on and on.. its like that on a daily basis... I have learned to tune him out fortunately.. but after a while I said.. ok how do I apply this to me.. and I was convicted..just because he lets his words out with anger and malice does that mean I should do the same.. Im usually good with that but sometimes we get into it.. .. ok back to my day.. class was over and I still didn't know what to do ... so i thought let me get some water.. I did and I started walking down the hall toward the sanctuary.. I was then approached by My friend Jose's dad .. He pulled me aside and asked if how I was.. I defaulted with the obvious lie "im good" but i guess he was informed so he said "are you sure,.. hows life" I didn't respond I just looked down and tried to smile.. he then told me he was praying for me and gave me some encouragement .. I really needed it .. and I knew God put me in that place where I would run into him.. .. after I walked out the side door and was spotted by benji .. I guess people were asking about me.. so I was approached by moises alan benji and my brother.. we started talking about my blog haha.. I was embarrassed at first because he said he read it .. but now its funny (HI MOISES AND ELLY oh and thank you for lunch..lol!! ) idk if they will even read this .. haha.. but soon it was time for service I sat in my usual spot and noticed another 2 friends on my side.. because I sit on the left and they usually sit on the right.. I was still alone until a boy named Filo sat next to me.. I gave him my Ipod and that kept him occupied so he didnt bother me.. haha.. worship was Good.. I liked the songs we sang and I sang to my God and it put joy in my heart like singing usually does.. after it was time for the sermon and it was alright.. I took 2 things from it.. reserving a quiet time just for God and for me to dream.. service was over and I talked to everybody I was heading home when I got a call .. it was my friend Moises asking if I wanted to go out to eat with them I accepted for one I havent hung out with them in a while and 2 .. orange chicken is bomb.. lol!! so I drove home and they picked me up.. we then drove to Manchester because Elly had to get he eyebrows done.. which led to Me moises benji and their dad running into this rather rude shop person.. he was trying to get us to go into this store liquidation.. he was quick with his words and tried to entice us with his less then amusing sales speech I was annoyed with him from when he approached us with "how come your not in my store".. ugh.. well he doesnt deserve much space on here.. ha.. we then headed out to eat.. we all ate till content the food was great I still laugh about the leper story(ask if you want details) :D we headed back to their house and I was excited to try out Beetles Rockband moi recently got.. I am not a big beetles fan.. by that I mean I dont know any of their songs by memory .. haha.. but it was fun I like it .. we then played regular rockband until church.. I was never good but I officially suck because I always start out new in my head and have to learn all the buttons.. wierd I know.. to summarize the rest.. we went to church ...it was terrible boring to me but I had some good laughs.. I decided to walk but it was like no one would hear of it.. I tried to be polite and decline but they were persistent.. I hope I didnt come off ungrateful .. but i really wanted to walk.. I got one family to accept that but then here comes Jose's family.. haha they almost got a corn man hit by a car.. I finally gave up and hopped in the truck.. I thanked them and headed inside.. now im showered and ready for bed.. good night :D

Bring the Rain

2009-09-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain
Bring the rain -Mercy Me

Ok so i havent wrote in a while mainly because I was either lying in bed about to fall asleep and the last thing i think is how I didnt blog.. my other excuse is that nothing interesting enough happened.. but these past few days has been like an earthquake ok so Wednesday was pretty much the same oh day.. I got ready watched my niece and nephew and then before I knew it,.. it was time for church.. at first I was really into the lesson but then I was hit by a sudden wave of tiredness.. I was able to listen but didnt participate much.. after that I came home I noticed a show I wanted to watch was on so I starting watching and I have to say "Glee" is an awesome show.. but during my brother kept entering the room and leaving with the door open..so i got up to close it.. it happened 4 more times so I finally locked the door.. Glee was 5 minutes from ending when the knocking began.. I pretended not to hear and before I knew it my mom was knocking.. I was about to get up when I heard the sound of keys .. I got mad because I knew it was my step-dad trying to find the key to our room.. he was successful.. but he didnt stop he threatened to take off the door if i ever locked it again.. he was ranting about something but I was so angry I couldnt hear and my heart was beating so hard I could feel my shirt moving.. we ended up getting into an argument on how I was supposed to be setting an example for my brother.. I shot back on how he shouldnt speak because he doenst set an example .. but it went back and forth until the "My house My rules" card was played..(this was all built up anger and malice.. stuff like this doesnt come out of nowhere)... but after sitting on my bed fighting back anger tears I got up and left..I started driving unknown was my destination but I had to remind myself to keep the speed limit.. I ended up a few miles from sanger before I realized....my cousin lives in sanger but I told myself I didnt want to to go someones house so I turned around and headed back into fresno.. I kept driving until I was downtown.. I was in the worst place.. it was where the homeless live.. not the safest place.. but I didnt care.. I stopped in a semi well lit area and let it out to God.. asking why.. why is it so hard to get along.. why do I care so much that he doesnt speak to me or acknowledge my presence .. and every sunday its the same thing.. "smile for a couple hours" and then come home and roam around like a troll (literally and it doesn't help that he has a limp) but yea there I was in the middle of nowhere .. with an old factory to my right and to my left across the street was a gate and on the other side was made up tents everywhere at first I didnt see anyone then I began to see people walking around.. cars were passing.. I seen at least 5 prostitutes and 2 diesal trucks stopped but I dont believe they picked up any I prayed to be safe and safe I was .. only 2 people passed my car but they didnt stop.. by this time it was 11:40 and I was edgy.. I planned to sleep in the car but that was a risk in itself.. I had my mirrors set up so I could see behind me and to the sides.. I then seen 2 pairs of headlights .. as they approach one lights up .. its a cop.. I thought 2 cops were going to pull up behind me but he pulled over some other car.. I sighed relief and thought.. "I will leave when he is gone"... and that I did.. I finally headed home as I walked in the door I noticed my mom was still up.. she would be up worrying I headed to bed and she came into "talk" I wasnt up to it but something she said irked me where my heart began to race again.. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because that statement was so ludicrous to me... she finally got the hint and left... It wasnt long before I drifted off and was startled by my phones vibration I didnt want to wake up..it was thursday... but I then remembered I had an appointment with the apple store my ipod recently had its right touch side go out.. so I wasnt aware of apples procedure.. I went in and before I knew it I had a new Ipod.. they replaced it.. yay.. thank God.... the rest of the day consisted of me trying not to scratch the back of my Ipod .. my last one wasnt as lucky.. night came and went and it now im at today(Friday) .. this day was average.. you could cut the tension with a knife.. but today consisted of me reading this book.. I might write about it but not now.. this one got kinda long.... :D

In my head

2009-09-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have a broad imagination.. sometimes I see myself singing my favorite song in front of my church.. I mean I guess I think I can sing..people have heard me sing but they never said it was ugly but they also have never recommended me to sing on stage or in worship haha I dont think im tone deaf, but so do the thousands that try out for American Idol.. I could already tell im no Jeremy camp or Matthew west two of my favorite Artists but I always picture me singing a song by them because the meaning behind it.. I also picture myself giving sermons.. talking about taboo subjects or confronting an issue.. it all looks good in my head but unfortunately.. thats where it stays..

So today was mundane, I woke up early because I had an interview of a differant sort.. its sorta my main plan but I am not really looking for it to go through because it will be a big change.. so I went and got it over with and found out its a long process so I was happy to hear that because I was afraid it would stop me from being in my friends Quince.. but I am still in.. yay!... but after that I came home staving because it was 3 hours long and by the time I got out I was starving..so I came home and ate lunch ..but something upsetting happend yesterday.. ok so I was watching tv and then I reach for my Ipod and find i difficult to unlock.. so I finally get it and then to my dismay I find out that a large part of the screen is not working..the "touch" went out.. so today I called apple and they made me an appointment at the apple store to see what they can do about it.. Usually I am patient but with nothing to do I headed for fashion fair... I got there and showed the man but he said it would be a 2 hr wait.. I should have waited but I ended up heading home.. what a waste of gas... I come home to find my niece and nephew and my nephew was more happy to see my Ipod then me.. haha.. but they stayed till 6 I took a nap and before I knew it my brother was calling for a ride.. I did that then came home just to go back out and get milk... I am finally rested .. fresh out the shower and am going to try my hardest to fall asleep so I can be up early tommorow because I am going to attend an annual event called see you at the pole where students gather and pray at the pole before school.. should be exciting.. I hope to have a great pic for my post!! :D

Heroes!

2009-09-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

I wasnt aware they were going to make a new season but thanks to myspace bulletins I caught and the last 30 minutes and the second episode

Today was bland.. at least I think so .. I woke up early "7:40" but what was wierd was the dream I awoke from.. very vague so I wont go into details.. I was confused so I just lie there thinking.. then I was startled by my alarm clock so I knew it was time to get up.. I ended up watching a mtv show called "True Life" it was about people who got tattoos and ended up hating them..(which is why I havent got one.. yet) :P.. so yeah I ran some errands and on my way home I noticed it was already 2.. I forgot I was supposed to take my niece and nephew to Sanger so I started rushing.. then as I was passing their school I see my aunt at the intersection.. a few minutes later she called and said she picked them up.. I knew that when I seen her.. so I was at home with nothing to do.. time passed and I was in my room.. my sanctuary then my Mom came in and asked if I could come sit at the table to eat dinner and watch a 30 minute sermon by a good man named "Charles Stanly".. he is a great teacher... as first I was reluctant because I am distancing myself from my step dad because his hypocrisy is nauseating.. so I sat their a minute and said .. "OK Im doing this for you and mom, God"... so I went.. it was about accountability.. and like usual my step dad pulled out so much to judge us on..but I had left as soon as his rant began.. its like Charles Stanly is the leader of our house because not a day goes by without me hearing my step dad use a quote from him .. ...I was once again in the confines of my room where I like it and relaxed to my music.. around 7 I went to see my dogs and they were over excited as usual so i descied to take them for a walk.. its funny to see them jump in the car once I open my door.. at the last minute my brother descided to go so we took them to the usual spot and they ran around.. we then came home and I escaped back to my room I ended up watching "my name is Earl" for some odd reason but some parts were humorous... I began to clean and that made time fly and before I knew it my brother was coming in complaing about how he wanted to go to sleep.. I asked for 15 more minutes and he trudged off probably to tell.. but I finished and now Im here posting.. .. I still am unsure about putting a link on my other social networks.. but I dont know.. because some of the people I post about are on those.. maybe eventually they will see it.. but until then.. .

Endurance

2009-09-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight's the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It's all love tonight -City on our Knees by TobyMac

So I havent posted on here for a while.. I have been meaning to but I keep forgetting to take a pic and then time flies by I am trying to really be committed on using pictures I took.

Today Is Sunday, Overall it was a great day.. super awesome weather ..
the morning started off with me waking up later than usual because I wasnt expected at church as early anymore.. but then I was asked if I could give a friend a ride so I agreed and hurried my shower and went to pick him up.. I arrived at church eager to attend my Young Adult class.. I have to say that I really enjoy Christina's teaching..She is a sorta new believer and she still has the spunk ... not saying people lose there holy spirit spunk.. haha. but she has such a joy about her and its contagious.. but anyways.. the class was on faithfulness.. toward the end we were asked what is a way we stay faithful to God.. simple right.. but for some reason I was unable to come up with an answer... not to mention I am starting to miss teaching.. I got hugs from a couple of my students and it made me miss it even more .. but I am still looking for guidance.. if you call what I was doing looking.. but im trying.. at break I ran into my Sister I was happy to see her there and her kids are always happy to see their uncle.. ha.. I love them so much.. . my neice complained about her new haircut, my nephew showed me his new vans that were the same as my brothers, and the littlest nephew was off talking .. after a while I was greeted by my youth friends .. we chatted till it was time for service.. I really like that we are singing modern songs for worship but its confusing because main worship leaders get mixed up and there timing is off.. and they up the tempo on some songs and it doesnt sound good.. but all minor. I still sing my heart out to My God .. the lesson was alright.. although I was daydreaming I took notes.. after church I had to meet with 3 people cause the had "something important to tell me".. when that was done I headed home and rested.. then my cousins came over and we chatted and they left so i Cleaned my room and rested more .. then it was time for night church... I like the idea but the worship is uncoordinated and it seems off.. oh and something I am noticing in the morning service is that its becoming a circus... one thing that gets to me is that the youth leader lets his daugter run around the pews.. cute but distracting.. we have a nursery ... also since I have been sitting on my own I notice the youth are very loud when talking during service.. and they are oblivious to everyone they are distracting.. but its whatever... today was good and I hope to get alot of things done..

Prodigal

2009-09-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

(I didnt take this pic.. but I like it :p)

Rush Of Fools - Undo Lyrics

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I cant think.. there is so much chaos going on I cant arrange my thoughts..
I used to be able to see people in struggle and know how to help but now I see so many people going through various trials and I dont even feel helpless.. its more of a stagnate Zombie feeling where I know I should do something..anything...but I just stand here .. wasting away.. wasting time .. wasting life.....People know little about me.. only what I let them see .. only what I create..to clarify I am not writing this for sympathy but for me to vent.... my life as of right now sucks.. because I am not where I should be according to the standards of the world.. according to someone who pointed it out today.. he said "you are old already .. you should have a girlfriend, your own place, and in college" .. I am very patient and I dont show it when something hurts me.. and I know this person is blunt.. but the rude blunt.. (if you read it sorry but you are).. I mean bluntness in itself isnt bad but its the way you use it.... . the only reason it hurt is because I KNOW!!!! its so freaking obvious I failed I am not in my 3rd year of college like im supposed to be .. I dont have my own place ... But first on the list a "girlfriend" It annoys me so how people think they must be in a relationship to feel complete.. I dont feel that way... I mean if I found the girl who makes me laugh and I know I could see in my life I would go for it.. but im not going to try and have a girlfriend just because of my age or what people say.. I dont want it not to work out and then just start again.. what does that say.. it was just fake love.. it was "Like" not "Love" thats just doesnt suit me.. and if I do find "the one" divorce is so high these days what makes me think mine would work out.. dont get me wrong I Only believe divorce is right when there is no other choice ie.abuse(physical,mental,verbal) then I can see because some people are monsters.. but when there are some that are over stupid reasons.. I see them as cowards.. first of all why the heck did you get married.. and how the heck do you fall out of love.. obviously it wasnt love.... Ugh I am going to cut that topic short because there are so many resources on how to find a Godly marriage but people rely on there own judgment which is probably the worst thing you can do (to some people).... ok but yea.. My education .. well it falls short... I mean I didnt pay that much attention in history.. I didnt strive to be in ap classes.. I technically dropped out of high school .. Got my GED.. as unorthodox as all that is... I am looked down on alot because I dont "act" my age.. and I guess I am not considered an Adult by some.. but whatever.. My personality is what God blessed me with.. I have been trying to run from that to please people.. but forget that.. I WILL LEAVE MY MARK... I will leave my mark on this world.. but not by my power... with God leading me it will amaze people because I know I am meant to do something big.. I can feel it.(as corny as that sounds) .. but I just know.. and it will be my best achievement to say .. "Through Christ all things are possible" ..

Laugh

2009-09-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

So today I woke up ready for the day.. I had promised a ride to a friend named Zabdi and said we would get some starbucks because I needed caffeine I got my Mocha frappacino and we headed to the church
our church had an even called "Faithful Feet".. this is a regular thing we do each year when we join together with another church (Clovis Hills) and we invite the surrounding area with children to come and get free shoes for their kids .. it is definantly awesome being a volunteer.. you can wash feet, dry feet, help the kids try on the shoes.. so many things and every one that participated was more than happy to do any of these tasks.. although I didnt help as much as I should and I kept ditching on what my mom wanted me to do like "throw out the trash, stay after and clean, help bring in table.. I mean I would have helped with that but I had my own responsibilities.. but im sure I will hear about it.. anyway.. the day ran on and Me and my brother ended up at our friend Moises house .. we played rockband .. The caffeine had a super effect on me because after a day of running around doing favors and helping where I was needed. I was still hyper.. so I sang played guitar and drums.. I get pretty random when I play.. (even ask moi for those of you who read this and know who moi is).. haha... well we got home around 8 and from their I relaxed till it was time to take my shower and now I am ready for bed.. aaah. it was a good day and looking forward to tomorrow :D

Run this town

2009-09-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

wow what a day well last night I was unable to sleep and I didn't want to succumb to the call of the NyQuil I ended up staying up till 5 .. well 4:45.. but regardless i was not looking forward to the next morning..I awoke to a sudden vibration I instantly knew someone was calling my cell so I squirmed to find the phone that was lodged somewhere between me and the mattress and the blankets .. I answered and it was Cesar(an assistant youth leader at my church) .. whenever I answer the phone when I had been sleeping I try my hardest to seem awake and cheery.. today was no different.. he needed a favor so I agreed and the call ended.. I was suprised to feel no fatigue at all .. so I jumped out of bed and headed for the computer my mom was awake and sorting her old mail and paperwork she greeted me with a good morning and I set to work getting the songs that cesar needed.. It turns out he was hired to be a dj at the 8-10 spot on a radio station and needed me to find some christian hip hop .. it was semi easy.. im not really a fan of rap so I just played by ear what people might like to hear.. it took me till 12 to get 26 songs.. I was midly satisfied then my phone rang and I seen on the caller ID it was my cousin sammy.. he was calling because he needed me to enroll him in a class .. he was super appreciative because his scholarship was at stake.. we talked awhile and the call ended.. I then dressed and talked with my mom about going to get fitted for some tuxes that me and my brother were going to wear for a quincenera we were invited to be in .. I waited till my brother got home and soon after we headed off.. Im glad we were the only people cause we were in and out.. it was elementary to me since I have been in many quinces .. but my brother.. well he had trouble putting on the shoes.. we both did agree they felt fake... soon we were headed home unable to decide what ice cream we wanted.. we then settled for slurpees.. I love to mix pepsi.banana, and cherry... I really want 7'11 to bring back the monster slurpee.. omgosh bomb..
when I got home I did some texting to promote cesars radio time and then got the urge to rearrange my room.. so as I had my door blockaded with my bed my brother knocked saying the phone was for me .. I squeezed as much as I could between the wall and the mattress to get the phone.. he had the corded phone so I was stuck there... it turned out to be my friend moises.. although I enjoyed our talk that lasted almost 25 minutes I was very uncomfortable in my position but I kept talking anyway.. 8o'clock rolled around and I was scrambling to find the radio station... I could not get it on any clock.. on my stereo .. so I left my room a disaster zone and headed for my car.. it was perfect.. we listened in and called to tell cesar hi.. I actually made another call pretending to be a guy named "joey" I was going to be "jpizzle" but i lost my train of thought when I heard the phone ring.. I made my voice slightly lower with bad grammar and I was sure Cesar didnt recognize me.. I feel bad because I came off as a non-believer and he invited me to church.. haha..
alas it was over and I took my shower and now its time for bed.. an energy filled day is in store for tomorrow.. cant wait.. :D

Tangle

2009-09-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

My 20th post!! Wow already
I really like to blog now it's being able to write(type) about your day and organize things that you were thinking about at the moment

yesterday was pretty bland I was apathetic most the day and especially since the mail passed our house up .. It made me upset because I am waiting for my earphones .. The day lagged on and I found myself watching a movie called "the changeling" that movie is good after that it was already 3 and I took a nap. I then woke up when my neice and nephew were getting picked up and it was time for me to get ready for church. I descided I wanted to walk just because so I set off a little later then I wanted but I really wanted to walk and look for a good pic to take for my blog .. I took a couple early on but then forgot cause I was so caught up in my music .. Before I knew it I was at church and found out I got thee just as my class was starting so I was happy about that we had a good class although I was giving off an apathetic vibe so the teacher didn't chose me to read like she usually does .. After class I thought I be best to leave early because I was also walking home so there was no usual catching up but I didn't mind I got home and it was trash day so we did our thing and I then took usual shower then I come to find a little post it on the computer screen that said " no computer after 10:00 thank you" signed mom. .. I was kinda irked by that because I was sure my brother knew that "new rule" and was on until he knew I would not be able to get on .. I started to get mad but I took some nyquil and watched some tv until I was tired I then headed to sleep around 1 ...

So today I woke up super late I'm talking 1pm I'm pretty sure it's because I accidentally drank more nyquil than I was supposed to but I woke up today and at first I was groggy but then I had this surge of energy so I did a couple chores and did a sort of career guide to see what things interested me and looked up jobs that had the things I enjoyed I found a couple in each area .. Before I knew it my Brice and nephew were here and they there usual arguing and I helped my nephew with his homework and we watched tv until their mom came and picked them up.. Then I was told we had to smash all these plastic bottles and cans it's not really strainuos but the caps kept coming off and after we had to pick them up but we were working in dirt so it made it harder ..

A Million Voices

2009-09-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

"Psalm 73 (My God's Enough)"
(feat. Todd Agnew)

I've had enough of living life for only me
And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me
So sick of envying the lives of so many I see
Somehow believing that they have what I need

Who have I in heaven but You
Nothing I desire but You
My heart may fail but not You
You are mine forever

Ok if you have never heard of the band "BarlowGirl" you are missing out.. they have so many awesome songs the band consists of 3 girls(women technically) but they have an awesome view on dating and relationships .. I have heard about it but I recently read this article by them http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/an-exclusive-interview-with-barlowgirl-1099.php I just posted the link cause it had more info then I care to put up cause it would clutter :p but one thing that stood out to me was this excerpt "Becca: One of the things that has definitely been on my heart of late as I've been reading Proverbs 31; actually 1 through 9. It's all about what a godly man is. So I've been praying for a Proverbs 31 man..once I read that I picked up the nearest bible to me (my brothers) and looked it up.. It also goes on to talk about a Godly woman .. alot of people might read it and take it as Anti feminist to look for those qualities in this time but obviously someone wouldnt fit all those qualities to a T(exactly) but the main thing the verse emphasizes is a Godly woman .. I really liked the verse about the guy because that chapter (proverbs 31) opens with characteristics of a Godly man mainly leadership.. but thats just something I encountered today that I will ponder ..

Ok so Today was spent well I did some chores and some research on some goals I might make.. it all depends on what happens in 2 weeks but anyway.. the day went on Nothing really exciting happened something that I am noticing is that my head is starting to fill with curse words.. I use to be able to say I dont curse at all but lately some words are stuck in my head so I am going to pray about that.. well today was a dud I will write in more detail of my day in the next post .. Good-night :D

Ebay

2009-09-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

right now my head is a tornado.. I have songs playing, verses being spoken.. its like a war for my thoughts.. like which side would I spend time contemplating .. usually the song is catchy and I get stuck on that..

today is monday and I didnt get to right about yesterday so but it wasnt that interesting in the morning I was asked by my mom if i was going to wake up for church.. and I said I didnt feel like going.. but after I heard them leave I was struck with guilt.. (1)because I didnt tell my 1st and 2nd grade class that I would no longer their teacher.. and (2)my whole reason to stop teaching was to attend the young adults.. but that didnt happen . I got to church during break. I tried to keep my distance and sorta watched the youth who are also my friends..at first they didnt come over which was my goal .. I should have walked somewhere cause I was looking lonerish ... but I didnt mind at the time I felt good that I had my space and quiet.. although this well meaning boy who is attached to me was talking to meand as I was pretending to listen I was approached by Sarah she gave me the info on the ride and practice arrangements.. (Me and my brother agreed to be in her Quincenera/sweet 16 thing.. and I am used to it although I do feel that I will be the oldest umm.. oh Chambelan(spell error :D)but its for her so I dont mind..after she left I was approached by my usual crowd and we were talking and then the bell rang.. more than usual I think they were making it obvious that it was time but people didbt budge.. I started to make my way into the sanctuary and took my now usual seat by myself and I enjoyed that much.. but it is still causing a stir because its not normal of me to do that.. before I knew it service was over and I said my goodbyes and we headed to eat for my brothers b-day...it was nice.. my brother had requested a sleepover for his birthday so we had one and stayed up till 3.. sleep isnt usally on the list of things to do but .. the night consisted of tons of laughter.. im surprised we werent shooshed or anything.. .. we watched movies watched youtube videos and distorted peoples faces .. that was the funniest.... haha.. In the morning I felt I hadnt slept a wink and I could hear victor and saul beginning to wake.. before I knew it we were having breakfast and playing video games.. the day flew by and I drove everyone home.. I am glad I get to sleep peacefully now and I am off to enjoy my slumber .. :D

Tank top and b-ball shorts

2009-09-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

I feel super comfy right now.. and am actually exhausted .... so I awoke today at my cousins in sanger from one of their dogs I felt him before he was inches away from licking my face.. but when I woke up it felt as though I didnt get any sleep at all .. so the day ran on we played around. cooked .. talked and drove around the town.. I was sure I wanted to come home but I ended up staying till 7 but it was fun.. when I got home I felt out of place.. I am so looking forward to getting my own place.. but noone was home which I was glad.. until I seen a case from a new Ipod touch.. my brother got one for his birthday since he lost his nano.. I was displeased for one.. because now we both have em..and 2.. he didnt take my advice on how easily the back scratches.. but what ev.. I am in an apathetic mood... I wonder if true maturity is finally setting in.. it feels more like zombie.. but i guess... so tommorow is sunday and I am debating whether or not I should sleep in since I dont have a class to teach....I am kinda glad about that but I didnt tell the kids I am not going to be there teacher so I think I might show up and tell the good-bye... for now I am doing no ministry but I know it wont last long because I cant stay stagnate for long... oh I heard this saying again and it always hits a cord with me.. it goes "to whom much is given, even more is expected".. and I feel that I was given alot and had alot of influence but I was stagnate in my personal relationship with christ and just let it go.. I am really interested in the path that is coming up I am just letting God lead the way .. .. well today wore on me alot and I am hoping for a deep slumber .. :D

The motions

2009-09-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions"

that has to be one of my all time favorite songs... ok so i didnt blog yesterday because i was at my cousins and for some reason the internet went out.. but I actually feel glad I get to get to post again.. so yesterday was pretty lax.. I ordered some stuff for my ipod and am wating for those to come in the mail.. man I love ebay.. haha.. so I ended up going to my cousins house in sanger .. I always have fun there we ordered pizza and played games and talked .. my cousin is currently attending fresno state.. lucky him.. but 10 o'clock hit and I started to wonder how I was going to fall asleep.. so i watched tv till 12 and decided to just lie down and see what happened.. sleep came but only after I moved from the couch to the floor because the couch was making my neck hurt but i woke up like 4 times.. but eventually the morning came.. today was stressful.. I came home to take a shower and wait for my niece and nephew to get home and was going to head back to sanger. but things didnt go that way.. I am still currently waiting to go back but I hit another neutral state.. but I will be heading out in a few.. well I feel good that I vented.. im starting to like blogging. although I keep thinking what my close friends would say if they read it.. I know I got embarrassed because I knew a friend wanted to read my blog .. but shes cool and gave me encouragement on my blog .. so thanks.. you I think you know who you are.. lol!!

Emotions

2009-09-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Casting Crowns Stained Glass Masquerade lyrics

So today was a blur I didn't feel like myself but that didn't stop the day .. I woke up at 8 suprisingly becuae I didn't go to sleep till 3am .. So I got up took my shower and then I finished downloading Stuff our computer had and that took much longer than nessasary because I was watching some interesting YouTube videos.. I was happy that I found a way to get all the music onto iTunes without syncing and erasing anything.. The day dragged on and I tried to be myself but was unable to shake this feeling of ...depression.. That's the only way I can think to explain how I felt .. But not in a sad sense more "who am I" the time for church was drawing near and I didn't want to go .. Then I had to lie down and listen to music to calm myself because my heart started beating rapidly and I started to think of my spiritual life .. My main thought was "since I am no longer a teacher I don't have to attend church anymore". I had no idea where that was coming from.. I was always sure of my salvation but I knew I wasn't always doing what I should .. Actually I wasnt doing anything to grow in my relationship with Christ .. Awhile back I felt my "fire" go down and didn't feel close to God. Although I know Just cause I dint feel him he isn't there .. But I could physically feel it the distance I had put between us .. But I am so numb I don't know if i care.. I have always been scared to tempt God and ask for a life changing experiace out of fear that he would take a family member .. And I feel our church lacks the holy spirit to actually feel the call to have a break down.. I do want my relationship back .. But I don't know where to start.. .. And just this second my question got an answer "on your knees". .. It's the putting it into practice that's the hardest.. Or it's just me making it harder then it needs to be.. For all you readers who have a relationship with Jesus I ask for prayer.. A little unorthodox but I'm lying here on my bed typing all this from my iPod .. Thanks ..

Virus

2009-09-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
JONNY DIAZ - More Beautiful You lyrics

Well today was pretty interesting to say the least.. First I woke up at 7:30 .. Thats a first .. well im up earlier to get ready for church but I didnt expect to be up early so i got a jump start on laundry and cleaning then me and my mom had a long talk about everything thats going on from my sisters pendind divorce or my other sisters 3 year old computer freak .. and to my possible relocation(highly unlikely).. but it was good .. tearful but good :p.. after that I had to run errands which took me to a food store.. I always have my Ipod on when I shop alone so it wasnt differant today .. I was listening to my music and I began to notice that everyone in was going there own way its weird to observe people.. from the 1 second glances followed by a quick look away .. eye contact seemed forbidden in the store.. except for the high voiced cashier who i had no problem hearing even with 1 earbud on.. I came home and ate some 7 11 nachos .. pretty good and then they were raided once my niece and nephew arrived from school.. when they got picked up I was called to give a friend a ride to a band rehearsal they had so i abliged and got home.. but thats when the fustration started.. turns out I got a virus.. semi thankful its not a bodily . but tech virus.. on my computer.. it sucks badly.. luckily I blue screened once and nothing was lost... so now I am in the long process of saving valuable pictures and discarding ones that I dont need any longer.. I went from 14 gigs of documents to about 8 or 9.. yup it was hard to do but it needed to be done.. I know I wont be done till about 2 in the morning but I dont mind .. my computer is going to get wiped.. I liked the weather today .. and saw this doll looking baby.. semi creepy the way the mother let it sway in the carrier.. but anyways yea today was good :D

-Caution-

2009-08-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

Today was a monday... enough said right.. I feel as if I am going to come down with a cold or something I pray I dont because I despise being sick... so I got up around 8 and turned on the tv and before I knew it I was alseep again but I woke up at 9 and descided to take a shower..I really wanted to stay in bed with the blinds closed enjoying the dark and coolness but I had stuff I had to do.. I made some calls and got some information ... I was online just surfing the internet and didnt notice the time till the phone rang and it was my friend moises asking for a ride home from school.. (his mom recently made him compensate me with gas money) so i was more then happy to get him .. we talked about school and other stuff we went to get my "official transcripts" I want to see them but they are sealed and void if opened and after that I dropped him off and headed home to find that my brother and niece and nephew were home from school .. then I got a call from an old friend and had fun talking to her but I started getting a headache so I lay incapacitated in my bed .. my niece and nephew were picked up and time went by .. I got a call from saul(a youth from church.. kinda friend).. but he needed help connecting a ps3 to wifi.. and it was unusually hard because I had to explain and walk him through it on the phone and that made my headache worst.. I took a shower and actually feel tired and am sitting here looking like a zombie while my fingers hit the keys .. so another day gone forever looking forward to tommorow.. oh and by the way.. I just wanted to clarify the opening to my last post was lyrics to "casting crowns" song "Altar and the door" a personal favorite.

Apathetic

2009-08-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done
My heart is broken

As I cry
Like so many times before
But my eyes
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord, I try
But this time, Jesus, how can I be sure
I will not lose my follow-through
Between the altar and the door?

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right

today was a very off day for me.. I woke up like 3 times during the night once at 3:30 am then at 5a.m. and then again at 6.. I was really looking forward to this new alarm app i downloaded because it lets you wake up to a song of your choosing and I even hooked it up to my stereo and put it at a decent volume .. but unfortunately somehow the stereo was turned off .. but I was awake to notice my alarm was not about to go on.. I also set my phone just in case... but I always forget to change the p.m to a.m .. so yea.. well I got up got ready and headed off to church awe fully early because I wanted to clean my sunday school room and then had a meeting at 9 to discuss my resignation .. many people were suprised to hear the news and some were only thinking how they couldnt ditch and be late to class anymore because they couldnt hide im my room.. . but regardless I feel I made the right decision and my lesson today proved it.. it was the most bland teaching I have ever done.. I mean the lesson plan itself was good but it was me.. I had no spirit.. I was bland.. so I rushed through and got to the craft.. and before I knew it .. it was over.. my last time teaching... for now anyway.. .. break at church was ok.. little interaction because Jose(one of the youth and friend) wanted me to bluetooth him some songs.. it didnt work and by the time we figured that out service was starting so I walked up to the pew I usually sit in.. Worship is always weird to me because when they are off or going to fast because the lead singer wants to sing a verse again throws them off .. then I started to feel it... I got lightheaded .. then the dizziness came.. and then the shorter breathes.. I wanted to sit alone but didnt want to make a commotion so I looked for an out to get to a pew to myself.. I finally acted as if i needed a bulletin and went but got to my pew.. Im glad no one asked why because I couldnt explain it.. but I was happy... I really dont remember what the sermon was about.. I know it was about evangelism but its a blur... church was over and I drove home.. I stayed in my room a majority of the time watching tv and snacking on this and that.. before I knew it my brother was calling saying how he needed a ride home... of course I was sent.. but i took my sisters car.. .. blah blah I got them got home and didn't even realize I was about to take some "sleep aid" so i drank it down and said "last time" .. the effects ha vent kicked in unfortunately.. but I await the dreams my subconscious have in store..

Who am I

2009-08-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

"Don't know anything at all,
Who am I to say you love me,
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me" Who am I : Hope

Today must have been the most unproductive day of my week .. its Saturday so i guess thats ok.. and I did clean my room and wash clothes.. the day couldn't be over fast enough .. well I let it slip that my "sleep aid" was actually nyquil to my mom and she reacted as i thought and brought up my aunt nancy who has many problems.. but seems to be getting better.. I also have to apologize for all the spelling errors and bad grammar & punctuation..but this is my blog and I will write as it comes.. :P ... the rest of the day consisted of me playing on my ipod and watching tv.. I feel I have so much energy that went unused I am sure I wouldnt be able to sleep.. but tonight should be the last night of the "sleep aid".. because i have to be up early tommorow for church.. . ooh today I watched "why did I get married" again.. ugh that movie always gets to me.. but the lessons that can be learned are so awesome.. Marriage has been corrupted and it seems hopeless to even consider it.. I always tell myself that no matter what.. divorce is not an answer for me .. but what if my wife is set on it and there is nothing stopping her... its kind of worrying.. but no need as of right now.. :D.. todays blog will be a short one.. and I was lazy today so i didnt even get to take a picture ..but i really like this one from photobucket so I will use it..

Nyquil

2009-08-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

wallets in back pockets get terribly uncomfortable..

Today was an alright day I watched "sweeny todd the demon barber".. i Really like the actress from there.. the afternoon flew by maybe because I felt out of it today .. Before i knew it the clock struck 3:00 and the phone rang .. i was installing some memory on my sisters computer when moises called and asked if he could visit .. I said yes and went to go pick him up..when I arrived at the school I was pleased that he wasnt there waiting because i wanted to walk the campus...Sunnyside was where I spent my unproductive but fun freshman year.. the campus always reminded me of a high security jail from appearance.. and back then there was a reason for it .. haha.. after I only made it to the front gate when I was snapped out of my trip down memory lane. So me and moises got in the car and drove to my house where we talked about his new guitar..(lucky).. but it was fun.. I had also planned to go to the movies and moises asked to tag along.. so we met up with 2 more people and went to see "the final destination" .. it was an ok movie.. grusome to say the least but the 3d was really cool .. although it did make my head hurt.. not to mention I skipped breakfast and lunch.. but that wasnt something new.. .. so we got out of the theatre and I dropped everyone off.. one of the perks of being the designated driver.... when I got home my mom told me my friend julia called and needed a ride .. i was reluctant at first and tried to avoid the texts and calls.. until I was caught in a myspace im.. I finally gave in but was happy i was getting atleast a little gas money.. I had expected she forgot my birthday but i didnt rub it in her face as she would have done.. . I took a long detour and passed CSU.. o how I wish I could attend there.. .. I finally made it home .. eghaisted... so im going to shower and then to sleep.. hopefully good dreams await :)

Vans

2009-08-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

"I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears"
I really like to listen to music .. it soothes, calms, excites, depresses, and uplifts you .. it just depends on what you listen to.. I consider myself eclectic.. I like all types of music.. and I like how when lyrics to a song hit just right and bring realization....

I had a dream last night.. its was pretty random.. these things that looked like huge containers were exploding and people felt them and wanted to be upclose when the one we were closest to was next to explode..I yelled for them to get back because obviously its an explosion but they didnt listen.. only a few.. so the thing blew up and some guys arm was blown off... it was pretty graphic(I blame the sleep aid) .. but it was pretty weird..

Today was simple.. the medicine made me drowsy and I stayed asleep longer than I wanted..before I knew it my niece and nephew were knocking and my brother was home and my day was wasted.. ..I had to get shoes today and I take forever to make up my mind and then end up regretting my choice and today was no different.. I got red vans.. I mean i really like red but I dont have that many red clothing items.. but I think they are growing on me... I think the highlight today was I found myself stare flirting.. It was this girl in the shoe store(vans) she looked nice and we kept smiling at each other.. my brother and neice and sister were there and my nephew was making a scene so I didnt get a chance to strike up conversation.. although we did alot of smiling at each other(not as creeper as it sounds.. one of those you had to be there things... after that.. got home did yardwork and ate pizza.. ugh .. its true.. when you miss a meal you tend to overindulge and today was proof.. ugh i still full .. overall today was good tommorow should be better ..

Sweet Dreams or a Beautiful Nightmare

2009-08-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

So my blog post steak ended yesterday because I took some sleep aid.. I actually had a good night although my pillow somehow were everywhere.. Today went by pretty quick In the morning I had to get my neice and nephew out of school and take them to meet my sister. I once again had to talk to the rather rude receptionist.. on the first occasion I had to drop off a key for my niece and it never reached her and on this occasion she made is seem as if what I asked of her was alot she wasnt doing anything anyway and all she had to do was call the class rooms .. but I finally was out of there .. went to target to wait for my sister and when she came I went straight home.. Our internet was being retarted so I went to play with the dogs and in the next hour my niece were back from school because they had been taken back after their appointment.. but we watched tv and laughed about random stuff.. like how my nephew thought a "blouse" was a "bra" ..haha.. hours passed and it was time for church I wasnt going to go but I went in prayer that God would show me something .. It was actually a very good study and I learned alot.. now if someone askes me "why was hell made" it was made for satan and his angels not intended for people but when people dont put their faith in God its thats where they are destined for.. and If they say "why would a "loving" God send people to hell".. and the answer to that is He doesnt send people .. he gives everyone a choice its either one or the other.. there isnt a middle cause your either with God or not.. We also talked about satans influence on the world and how his home isnt im hell he is roaming the earth doing his job which is decieving and destroying.. .. after church was pretty funny.. I unintentionally hit this girl with a bag of her clothes .. she was nice enough to not hit me.. (sorry lauren).. I talked to people and then headed home.. now I am here waiting for my sleep aid to take effect ... ugh I forgot to take a picture for this.. I have actually seen what could have been good pictures. owell maybe next time.. .. well thanks for reading :P

Photography

2009-08-25T01:10:00.000-07:00

One of my hobbies is to take pictures and I like to see other peoples photos .. Photography is awesome to me..I am not a pro with a camera but in my next posts i will put up some pictured I have taken .. I got the Idea from "sarahfreak" who picks awesome pictures for her blog posts Im sure she wont mind :p

222

2009-08-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

I know my Title's are random but I just look at something and type the first word I see.. in case you were wondering.. whoever you are.. haha.. So Today was interesting... I was woken up by my brother who woke up late and was rushing noisily trying to get ready for school. So I decided to get up once he was gone I got up, showered and checked my social networking sites.. myspace facebook ect. and I thanked the people that sent me birthday comments. after that I searched online for some clothes and went to actually purchase some.. I like the mall when it is less packed then usual and at this time it was because a lot of people were in school so i did my shopping..I was listening to my ipod like i always do when im walking alone so it prevented me from hearing this woman that was asking me if i needed assistance I guess she had asked several times because when I actually noticed her she frowned and walked off.. I found some humor in that.. :p... but I actually had a weirder encounter.. as I was walking I noticed a guy that seemed to be staring.. but I didnt want to think of myself as conceited so I pushed the thought out of my head.. that is until I noticed he followed me into 2 stores.. and not in the coincidental way .. creepee i thought when he actually came up to and began to talk he said "do I know you from somewhere" and I didnt not know him so i said I dont know.. he then proceeds to ask if i was at "deja vu" on friday night..and having friends with gay friends I actually knew that the place he mentioned was a Gay bar .. I smirked and said.. um no I have never been there(because im straight) so he says "oh sorry" .. there was a couple second of silence and then he says.."would you like to go to my place" I was shocked about how forward this guy was so i said "sorry im umm sraight" and said i had to go so I walked away at a faster pace.. I then began to remember all the Gay guys that have made a pass at me and wondered why.. haha..It must be the nice vibe i give off... i dont know but i was weirded out.. I would also like to mention that I have nothing against Gay people.. I dont agree with the ways... but there people and They deserve as much respect as anyone.. .. so as the say ran on I came home and tried on my stuff I started watching a movie called "why did i get married" .. that movie is soooo good.. i get goosebumps on alot of parts of the movie its a really awesome movie..

My birthday

2009-08-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

Well today was my actual birthday my other post was posted on the 22 so I wanted to keep the updating on a streak. Today started pretty good I wasn't sure I was going to go to church but I did I was awaken by my mom shaking the bed telling me happy birthday that was nice haha but I got up showered and was ready for whatever the day had in store. I teach 1st and 2nd graders which I'm pretty acustomed to but I found out the kindergarden teacher was out so I took her class of 3 kids as usual but today the kids seemed to be on some kind of super sugar because they were crazier than usual I had a kid spill the beans... Literally because we had a craft in which we had to make bean bags... Then the kids started throwing beans .. It was horrible I didn't even touch on the lesson but regardless I was releiced when I heard the bell luckily I had the kids clean so I was left with minor clean up so as I expected my day was full of happy birthday wishes and hugs which I didn't mind much after all service was good and before I knew it church was over so I evaded people and walked to my car and drove home I didn't notice I was starving till my mom asked if I wanted to go out to eat but I declined and opted for Chinese food cause I love orange chicken so I ate till content and watched tv and took a small nap but had to be up because the Sunday school teachers had a meeting so I went to that and when it was over I ended up being sang to and we had some Cake .. Luckily my friend Jose was there so he kept me grounded an I had someone to laugh with.. Now the day is over and I am even closer to death ..not to sound pessimistic I haven't feared death but being 21 does have a sting of responsability.. I have heard "glad your not at the clubs drinking" all day today .. Not exactly In that way but it was implyed .. Another day gone and the world didn't stop so I'm looking foward to being productive this week.. I got some huge descions to make and I am looking to Gods guidance .

Birth-day

2009-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

Ok so in about 2 minutes i will be 21 years old , I like how we are taught that God already had out lives mapped out to experience life to the fullest. I know sometimes well for me anyway.. that the "Christian Way" doesnt seem as fun as some other things there are.. but in actuallity .. everything that is not Godly is a mere illusion.. put in our paths to blind us and distract us. I always get "thought blocked".. (where I dont understand something so I just say owell) well I always do that when I think of how many times I have strayed off of Gods path.. I can imagine me on a straight path just one side to the other..simple.. and God tells me.. ok go this way.. and I start to walk.. but before I know it.. i see something shiny off to the side of the path .. and I stray.. then i realize that i am no longer on Gods path..or I run into a hill and think its some huge mountain when to God its actually an ant hill so I ask for forgivness and ask God to lead me again.. and God being patient forgets my sins as if they never happened and we start again.. .. Psalms 103:12 I love that verse and Casting crowns song "East to West"

Ok so Today was pretty fun .. I was woken up by the phone ringing and it was the AT&T service tech.. said he was going to stop by.. he did and did his thing and our internet is up.. its pretty much the same but Youtube videos load slow. and thats not to fun but owell.. So at 12 I went to pick up my friends they recently came back from mexico and we hadnt hung out in a while . .. so the day consisted of Rockband and 711.. haha.. the lowlight of the day was when my parents pulled up into the driveway .. and we all freaked because I wanted to move the games to my room but we were to late so we ran around crazy trying to get stuff out of the living room.. it wasnt a big deal but my step dad opened the door as me and elly(friends sister) were putting the chairs back.. we were done and gathered around the computer ... and then my step dad tells me "you know that just teaches people to be sneaky".. and i was like.. that wasnt my intention but whatever (this was in my head of course).. but then he goes on to tell my mom in spanish something about us... and me and my brother dont know spanish but my friends do so I told him "you know thats rude because just because we dont know spanish they do " and its funny cause God is showing me how prideful he really is because instead of taking it in consideration he called me rude and got in his normal "Troll" mood.. .. its anooying because he acts so differant at church then at home... but thats another story .. maybe to tell my future therapist.. haha j/k.. (although i have nothing against that).. but after that I stayed on the internet and then took a shower.. and now I am dreading what tommorow will bring..

Crimson

2009-08-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

Day 3 actually update.. haha Ok so today was oddly stressful .. I was awoken by my mother who asked me to help my step-dad move this huge piece of metal thats for a shed.. so I went out half dazed and did so I was oddly lazy today.. more so then usual, I didnt take my usual morning shower that gets me ready for the day and ended up watching the movie "sicko" it was pretty deep and thought provoking. So the day pressed on and the at&t guy came and did his thing and turns out they have to do some other matinence on some wires.. whatever.. we still have comcast as of now so its cool with me..lol!
After that I was sent to get dinner and came back and was called to come to the church because there was a concert and my friends got there early and were bored .. so I went.. I felt bad because there were hardly any people but after a while there was a good turn out... the band was awesome I did some Jumping it was funny cause so did my mom and step-dad .. but overall it was a good concert. .. I also have descided to take this blog into a new direction along with the meaning less blabber about my rather boring day I will also add a blessing or miracle God gave me or maybe just something that was revealed to me ..I know he most likely sends alot and im grateful but I will write the one that sticks out the most. Todays was during the concert when a girl thenically woman from the church sang 2 songs one of which was "more love, more power" there was a part where the song goes "and I will worship you with all of my heart, and I will worship you with all of my mind... then Strength. well I was singing along cause I really like that song.. but then I felt a nudge .. it was like..God saying "are those just words to you" and it was opening my eyes to see that even though I felt that it was ok that I havent read my bible in a long while satan is blocking the importance of that.. I have heard once that of you dont meet up with satan atleast once in your day then maybe he actually has you where he wants you and you arent a threat to him ..... I really like this song made by "Barlow Girl" called "Psalm 73" ..I like to read that verse when I feel myself slipping.

Whoops

2009-08-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

well Today is actually the 20th .. and the last post was technically posted on the 20th to but it was to early to actually do anything.. So today I finally awoke from a coma like sleep. I say that because I woke up at 11:45 with the intention of getting up early but i didnt hear either of the 2 alarms I had set. I started the day with a shower and then found out that my brother did not take out he trash cans like he said he would so they didnt get picked up .. that annoyed me until the phone started ringing off the hook with people that wanted to talk to my mom or my step dad .. i finally turned off the ringer and let them all to voice mail before I knew it my neice and nephew were home from school and I helped with homework.. I actually didnt have to google any words this time to be sure of the answers haha.. but the highlight of the day was to be suprised by a call from my mom to say they were around the corner from the house. it was a suprise to me because i wasnt expecting them until saturday (they were in New Mexico for 2 weeks) but as I did a super speed run through to make sure I wouldn't get scolded for anything they pulled up. I actually didnt hear a word thank God. So the day went on and I finished a book ate watermelon and texted. now I am ready for my shower and tommorows concert!

Canon

2009-08-20T00:46:00.000-07:00

Today, the 20th of August.. ugh this moth flew by and the dreaded day is 3 days away .. Today I woke up at 10:45 .. and was upset cause I wanted to be up at 6.. yea right... so i started on cleaning .. cause since my parent were out of town the house is not looking to good.. not to mention my neice and nephew coming over and leaving a trail of mess wherever they travel .. at around 1:00 I took my dogs for a walk and I always notice how these particular people always stare.. and today was no different..One guy I knew for a fact was in a local gang (I do admit I dont live in the safest part of fresno but I dont get worried in the slightest.. for the safty of my family.. well thats another story). but he asked what kind of dog I had and I replied Labrador and he went on smoking his foul smelling cigarette so I Continued my walk. So anyway the day went on .. 6pm came up and I decided not to go to church .. and cleaned and rearranged my Room .. The Tv was on in the backround, it was a movie called "Ella Enchanted" starring Anne Hathaway (I couldn't find the remote so i just left it) there was a Scene where Anne aka "Ella" was singing and it sounded good but you could tell it was a voice over I watched as her lips were timed with the song and wondered if any digital sound enhancing was needed in that scene. My Brother and sister returned from church and I was done cleaning. today was well spent and every hour brings my closer to the dreadful day ..