Father's Day

Well Today was Father's day the day we are supposed to show the man in our lives who raised us and taught us what a man was and be a role-model. unfortunately I grew up without my dad so my mom just got two days out of the year other than her birthday to be cherished and celebrated. My mom remarried a few years ago to a guy who I don't really get along with .. he supports me financially only by letting me stay in his home and had food and comfort that goes along with that.. so I appreciate that but I do not look up to this man... just saying.. When I pray I almost always call God "Father" because that is what he is.. a Father of all the earth. I think that God allows us to call him that because we can't fathom some being somewhere with no shape loving and forgiving us.. because when you put the label father or king you automatically think of what you know about these titles. Authority, Power, and never ending love. God has been my father and role-model for a long time now.. He has been watching over me since I was born and I can see many instances that I know he has been there.. Sometimes its tough because there isn't a physical being to be afraid of but the thought of being punished brings a sort of terror and horrible thoughts to my head.. Like if I continue to sin God will take my mother to teach me a lesson. And I know God isn't like that but there are stories about people who strayed and were brought back by an life changing incident.. In the end I Thank God for all he has provided and being so patient with me and continuing to love me despite me...

so that was my rant about my feelings.. Today was a great day at church The band led worship again and I wasnt shaking uncontrollably..I wish we could have warmed up but This one felt like the best performance we have done..

I'm back

So I'm sitting in my bed thinking about how much I have let my life be messed up with lies and deceit from myself and of course the devil. Its funny to think that a malevolent being that is often portrayed as a huge red beast wasting his time making my life miserable but that's just it he wants to keep me under his foot and if I even think about moving he uses the storehouse of things against me to knock me right back down. Sometimes harder then the time before. I am still reeling from the latest shock wave that has struck me and my family but I mean how do you top a close family member accusing me of molestation. I'm sort of afraid to ask. Regardless I am starting to see something that I have been overlooking for many years now. It's that I may have not fully given my life to Christ. I mean the experience I had was unexplainable and I was filled with a joy but then I feel like I got lost in the image and the reputation I had to uphold. There is a verse in the bible that says "am I now trying to please God or man" when I look back I was all about looking the part and now that the tests are coming I have been shaken to my core and there is no more castle that was built in sand. (wow that was 2 bible references already). Anyway so I have started to sing in a "youth band" I despise that name for the obvious reason.. there 5 youth and 4 young adults and me being the oldest constantly hearing "youth band" is almost enough to make me drop in itself. We have had a couple church performances and when I listen to the track I am cringing that I am heard a majority of the time. I have always loved to sing but now with the possibility that people will criticize me about it makes it harder. And something I need to get over is stage fright.. I mean really! I am so taken back with how shaky I get from all the nerves and adrenaline that when I leave the stage I get cramps. not a great experience. The point of this post is to help me get down my feelings at this moment so I can wake up tomorrow and remember the promises I made and changes I wish to see. so until next post.