Heroic Dose of medicine...

as I sit here and cough while hoping the overdose of cough syrup kicks in soon I want to blog.. As of now my Life is changing .. for the better or worse who knows... ive been down this road before.. pill that might make things better..weekly visits to a person to vent to.. the same old story.. although this time the characters have changed and the consequences are dire.. dramatic much.. well it seems that I am in fact "in over my head" the circumstances I find myself in cant really be repaired.. its as if trying to fix a mirror I can do what I can to repair it but you will still see the cracks.. all I can think of is that No sin goes unpunished.. I could go as far to say this punishment takes the cake . if I come away from this unwavered would be amazing to say the least.. wait unwavered.. in what .. my faith.. I cant define that right now.. promises promises promises.. I go to church and long for that feeling i once got but I leave with the same coldness I walked in with.. sure I can hide it and smile till my cheeks hurt .. im good at that... i actually need to stop .. my laugh lines are becoming permanent.. anyways .. So im on this road and I call up to God but I find its coming from my lips and not from my heart.. strange.. I know how this is supposed to work.. ive seen it done time and time again.. ive heard stories and yet I stand here lost.. how to get back.. it doesnt help that everywhere I look I see destruction.. Liars and hypocrites.. I walk through my church and its like a masquerade ball.. who am I to judge dancing among them.. thats my problem though.. picking out the splinters when there is a plank in my own life.. somethings gotta give and im scared cause its gonna hurt.. God Help me..

Hero

A hero (hera or heroine in female) (Ancient Greek: ἥρως, hḗrōs), in Greek mythology and folklore, was originally a demigod, their cult being one of the most distinctive features of ancient Greek religion.[1] Later, hero (male) and heroine (female) came to refer to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self sacrifice – that is, heroism – for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence


"and the will for self sacrifice"

I do that alot.. and it doesnt bother me.. I feel its a need of mine.. sometimes I let it affect my life but other times I want the best for people in my life..

I have no idea where im going with this my thoughts are a jumbled mess ..
*breaths*

Trials.. adversity.. troubles.. we are told that God puts Trials in our lives to strengthen us in areas of our lives that could easily be overcome by "the devil"
I feel that I am prone to these trials.. I wont even dare to compare myself to Job... I have blamed God.. maybe not directly but I often ask why this is happening.. but it seems like just when I get life figured out I get knocked down.. I barely dusted the dirt off myself from my last trial and struggled to get up from the last one and now I am headed into another storm ..I feel there is something that I have yet to learn from all my trials.. I know for a fact I let Jesus "take the wheel" but as soon as its over I say "ok Jesus thanks but i gotta go" .... lol.. I have no idea what God has in store for me but I am faithful that all these rough times will prepare me for anything.. I cant be crumbling about little things cause what happens when I get to the big stuff..

oh and yea there was a point to the hero definition up there.. I toyed with the thought of what makes a hero.. .. I feel like I try to be the hero alot.. people know they can always come to me and I will listen.. give advice and if I can.. be there for them.. but who is there for the heroes.. I think I have said that I feel like I have no one to go to when I have troubles.. i mean i know there is God.. but sometimes there needs to be immediate answers .. maybe its just me .. my relationship with God isnt where I can sit by myself and pray and talk to God without feeling like im talking to the air..

ugh still jumbled and venting.. cant even finish this thought without ten others trying to break through.. *sigh*...

Crashing Down

It never fails.. it seems just as I start to have a turn around and things are going good and I actually want to make a change I get knocked down by something.. for instance.. when I was a youth helper I wasnt helping .. i was more of a student then a teacher.. so I decided .. ok im going to be more mature.. next day I get kicked off the leadership team .. Now.. I was un Utah to get a change going in my life.. everything was awesome.. my christian life was good.. i had friend my age.. I was going to come back and revive my church.. then I get the news im being accused of something by one of my closest cousins.. and not only that.. a majority of my family believes him without even hearing my side of the story.. needless to say this has cause a major rip in our family and i havent even the slightest idea where to start to clean up this mess.. something that gets to me is that some church people know about the accusations and they arent coming to me and seeing if i need advie.. and these are some "leaders" .. but no surprise there.. i church will crumble around their ears and still not admit there shortcomings.. ugh...