Grace

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time -Barlowgirl -I need you to love me

I really like that song.. So lately I haven't been posting because either lack of will or not being here.. This week has been hectic and with thanksgiving tommorow it's not likely to slow down..I have recently been so caught up In packing I have noticed a steep decline in my spiritual life..lack of conviction,prayer, but the surrealness of this whole situation of mr moving out of state has barely hit me..and not in a big way..which made me think about this flaw I have.. I am numb..I don't have emotions about alot of stuff.. Change comes easier than natrual..I just role with the punches but stay stagnent and just go about living..I keep having dreams that my family is pushing me out.. Like my brother Boxing all my clothes and taking my bed out of the room .. It's a little weird cause when I got up today I noticed he moved my dressers to the bottom and his to the top..i lost my train of thought and stood there staring at my brothers clothes for almost a full minute..I daydreamed alot today..it was a beautiful day..peaceful...I reminiced about alot of things ...today we had a thanksgiving service at church.. I went partly to tell more people about my departure..I ended up babysitting my sisters son..which turned into 8 kids.. They seemed to settle while watching Dora but when it came to veggie tales all hell broke loose and paper airplanes were going into eyes ..yes.. It was chaos.. I talked to an old friend and ended up catching the last 20 minutes of the sermon.. I was more distracted by the lack of formality..kids everywhere screaming .. Youth talking .. But I can't blame them..it was a 2 and a half hour service..it ended and I had the beginings of a headache.. I tried to steere clear of any people but it was easier because they were all busy talking to each other.. I finally came home and rested... I'm not looking forward to the chaos that will ensue tommorow as we celebrate thanksgivng but my personal thankfulness is on my mind..I am mostly thankful to God for his grace on me despite me..

Happy thanksgiving