Emotions

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Casting Crowns Stained Glass Masquerade lyrics

So today was a blur I didn't feel like myself but that didn't stop the day .. I woke up at 8 suprisingly becuae I didn't go to sleep till 3am .. So I got up took my shower and then I finished downloading Stuff our computer had and that took much longer than nessasary because I was watching some interesting YouTube videos.. I was happy that I found a way to get all the music onto iTunes without syncing and erasing anything.. The day dragged on and I tried to be myself but was unable to shake this feeling of ...depression.. That's the only way I can think to explain how I felt .. But not in a sad sense more "who am I" the time for church was drawing near and I didn't want to go .. Then I had to lie down and listen to music to calm myself because my heart started beating rapidly and I started to think of my spiritual life .. My main thought was "since I am no longer a teacher I don't have to attend church anymore". I had no idea where that was coming from.. I was always sure of my salvation but I knew I wasn't always doing what I should .. Actually I wasnt doing anything to grow in my relationship with Christ .. Awhile back I felt my "fire" go down and didn't feel close to God. Although I know Just cause I dint feel him he isn't there .. But I could physically feel it the distance I had put between us .. But I am so numb I don't know if i care.. I have always been scared to tempt God and ask for a life changing experiace out of fear that he would take a family member .. And I feel our church lacks the holy spirit to actually feel the call to have a break down.. I do want my relationship back .. But I don't know where to start.. .. And just this second my question got an answer "on your knees". .. It's the putting it into practice that's the hardest.. Or it's just me making it harder then it needs to be.. For all you readers who have a relationship with Jesus I ask for prayer.. A little unorthodox but I'm lying here on my bed typing all this from my iPod .. Thanks ..