Apathetic

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done
My heart is broken

As I cry
Like so many times before
But my eyes
Are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord, I try
But this time, Jesus, how can I be sure
I will not lose my follow-through
Between the altar and the door?

Here at the altar
Oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right


today was a very off day for me.. I woke up like 3 times during the night once at 3:30 am then at 5a.m. and then again at 6.. I was really looking forward to this new alarm app i downloaded because it lets you wake up to a song of your choosing and I even hooked it up to my stereo and put it at a decent volume .. but unfortunately somehow the stereo was turned off .. but I was awake to notice my alarm was not about to go on.. I also set my phone just in case... but I always forget to change the p.m to a.m .. so yea.. well I got up got ready and headed off to church awe fully early because I wanted to clean my sunday school room and then had a meeting at 9 to discuss my resignation .. many people were suprised to hear the news and some were only thinking how they couldnt ditch and be late to class anymore because they couldnt hide im my room.. . but regardless I feel I made the right decision and my lesson today proved it.. it was the most bland teaching I have ever done.. I mean the lesson plan itself was good but it was me.. I had no spirit.. I was bland.. so I rushed through and got to the craft.. and before I knew it .. it was over.. my last time teaching... for now anyway.. .. break at church was ok.. little interaction because Jose(one of the youth and friend) wanted me to bluetooth him some songs.. it didnt work and by the time we figured that out service was starting so I walked up to the pew I usually sit in.. Worship is always weird to me because when they are off or going to fast because the lead singer wants to sing a verse again throws them off .. then I started to feel it... I got lightheaded .. then the dizziness came.. and then the shorter breathes.. I wanted to sit alone but didnt want to make a commotion so I looked for an out to get to a pew to myself.. I finally acted as if i needed a bulletin and went but got to my pew.. Im glad no one asked why because I couldnt explain it.. but I was happy... I really dont remember what the sermon was about.. I know it was about evangelism but its a blur... church was over and I drove home.. I stayed in my room a majority of the time watching tv and snacking on this and that.. before I knew it my brother was calling saying how he needed a ride home... of course I was sent.. but i took my sisters car.. .. blah blah I got them got home and didn't even realize I was about to take some "sleep aid" so i drank it down and said "last time" .. the effects ha vent kicked in unfortunately.. but I await the dreams my subconscious have in store..